the same.

As much as I wish it could be, it won't. Too much has happened. I tried to pretend like it didn't matter, but I couldn't do that very well. I tried to get over it as fast as it happened but sometimes the consequences are a little more affecting than the act itself. So that didn't work out too well either. I hate feeling like this. Like everything I've ever known wasn't real. I tell myself that I'm ready, but maybe I'm not. I want to be ready for everything, but I think in reality I'd rather just run away and start over somewhere else where no one knows who I am or who I've been. Being me is too hard to explain.. Especially since I'm still trying to figure out who that is. I know who I want to be, but that isn't always the best plan. Having a plan at all is kinda silly.. Because I'm not in charge here. If I was, all of this wouldn't have happened. I'd still be your best friend. He'd have been a better parent. She'd learn to forgive me for everything I never did. And you'd still love me. None of that was in my plan. But it happened. I wish it could all be the same. But it never will be. It will never go back. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not. If it stayed, I'd be different. I don't mind the changes I've gone through, I just wanted it to happen without all the hard stuff. Then, that's nearly impossible. Where would the change come from if life was exactly the way you wanted it to be? How else do you grow into the person you were meant to be? And who would I be now if I was the same?

impatiently yours.

Do you ever want to fall apart? Just to get it over with I mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. Sometimes I catch myself looking forward to it. Because as soon as it happens, I'll be able to look ahead and see nothing but greatness shining out from the dark place I'm in. I'll know, at rock bottom, that nothing will get any worse and I only have good times ahead of me. I want the worst to come so I'll stop expecting it. I want life to be a mess. I want everything to go wrong. I want a slap in the face... And I want it to be hard. I want to be able to pull out of it and I want to learn from it. I feel like i'm climbing this hill and it's getting harder to breathe from the lack of oxygen, darker from the lack of sun, but I still don't know what's on the other side. When will I be enveloped in confusion? In complete mayhem, utter chaos? It's getting darker, but when will I not be able to see my own hand in front of my face? I just want to have a breakdown and get it over with so I can say I survived. I want a story and I want to be through this gray period of just being. I want to get to a better place and the only way I see that happening is if I get to a worse place first. I want something to go wrong so I can finally see what my problem has been all along. Basically, I want what I want and I want it right now. Some people may say that's selfish or that I need to let things naturally run it's course. But why? Why should I wait for something to happen all on its own if I know it's coming? Why can't I help it along? I'm not saying I'm gonna try and put myself in dangerous or stupid situations... But if I pray for a resolution to all this bleakness, isn't that the same thing? Open my eyes Lord, show me where I need to be. And if I need to make some more mistakes along the way, then so be it. Bring them on. I'm not afraid to live and I'm not afraid to mess up. I just want to get there. I'm very impatiently waiting.

charity case.

No, that's not exactly what it is, but it kinda feels that way. I don't want to feel like just my family isn't good enough. This is the first year I belong to a whole family since my dad left us and the first idea they have for the holidays is to go spend it with strangers so we won't feel alone? I love being alone with my family. I realize it must be hard for my mom to go from my dads huge family gatherings to nothing... But we have each other now. I want that to be enough. I don't want to go to someone else's family gathering in order to make us feel more important. That's when it feels like a charity case. It's like.. Oh that poor family doesn't have anywhere to go for the holidays. Let's invite them over so they don't feel left out of anything. We'll try to make them feel part of something special. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought immensely. But I'd rather feel special by being surrounded by the people I love than people I barely know. And technically, I'm an adult. I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I could go spent the day with my dad even though legally, it's my moms year for the 'kids'. But that's the thing. I'm not a 'kid' anymore. I guess this is what they mean when they say they don't want to be alone on the holidays. If I still had you, I could skip all this awkwardness. I could be your family. We could do this together, make the rounds. I could meet every family member you ever had and you could tell me that I'll never have to choose between families again or where to spend christmas because as long as I have you, I'm home. But that's not the case anymore. I just want to be with people I love. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. Even if I'm all they have.

Because you're good enough for me. You're all I want.

about time.

I'm over it, this whole fake thing. It's wearing me down and I'm at the point where I actually want to scream and have someone hear me, have someone care. I'm done pretending like everything is happy and sunshine and marshmallows in your cocoa. Because people suck. I truly like only four of all the friends I've acquired over the years. First of all, thats not fair to the rest of them because I'm not being truthful. Second, that's not fair to me because I deserve to have people around me that I can trust. People that I can be real with. And lastly, it's completely lame. I want to be Laurel.

It's about time I started.

my pocket.

One thing I'm going against my will on... Is becoming easier to do. What I want isn't what I get. It isn't fun, and I'm tempted at times to take it back. Do-over please, I didn't mean it. But having it dissipate this quickly can only prove that it was the right choice.. To give it up. I never want it to go away, but I don't feel the need to keep it on the back burner. I was ready to wait forever. I was willing to self-sacrifice the matter and bravely lift my chin to the heartache. I wanted to keep you in my pocket. Or rather, hide in yours.

This can only get easier... But don't think for a second that I don't miss you. We will see each other again.

sometimes happen.

What is to be, will be. And what isn't to be, will sometimes happen. When does it become clear as to which is which? In an uncontrollable circumstance; supposed to, not supposed to. In a decision only possible to be made by yourself; right, wrong. In a simple question; yes, no. And when will you be sure you know how to let one slide? You're so sure it's not meant to go one way, but you're out of practice and you're not sure how to change it. What if you change something that wasn't wrong? What if it was supposed to feel so out of place in order for miracle to shine through? How do you admit defeat and let it? You doubt the plan and you try to fix something that isn't broken. I try to fix it. What if that's the point? Every time I doubt my future or where I'm supposed to be or even who I'm supposed to be, I have a choice to make. Do I sit down with my personal timeline and map it out all on my own or do I trust that wherever I'm supposed to be, He'll get me there? Faith. I almost wanna say it sucks. It's my nature to want to control things I don't understand. I don't understand me, and I have no control over that. I am who I'm supposed to be. Now all I have left to do is make myself as open and available as possible so that I can be used for the reason I was created. That means I don't get to see the game plan. Because if I see it... My plans for me will interfere with the predestined. I know I'm impatient. I want to get to that place I'm meant for right now. I want to be healed and I want to be let in on the secret. It's getting harder to let go of my wants and fears and just accept that I'll be ok in the end. I want the end right now. But I have a choice every time I doubt I'm in the right place.. Or the right time to move.. Or the right thing to say to make something go in a specific direction. I can choose to think it's all up to me and believe I have the power to change my path. I can choose to 'know' what's best for me. I can choose to turn my back on the one who loved me before I was made. Or, I can choose to blind fold myself, tie my hands behind my back and step off the ledge. To trust Him. One of those choices is easy. But it gives me false hope and sets me back- me and my impatient self. The other is much more frightening. But much more worth the rewards. I trust him, my faith grows, I share my story, I get eternal happiness. He knows my future. He planned it just for me and He knows I'll love it. Getting there is the scary part. But who would choose against it? He planned this time for me. I want to use it. I want the most out of it and I'm ready to take the leap. Forgive me if I cry a lot these next few months.. Ehh... Slash years. I'm scared but I won't let that get in the way. I will push through it. And He will meet me at the end. Even if the things I don't want to happen, sometimes happen.

you win.

Because I was wrong. I though you were better than them. Truth is, nobody is better than anyone else.

Everyone lies.

Everyone cheats.

Everybody plays those games.

And everybody leaves.