be his.

I had many good conversations today about Jesus and how much He loves us. It's amazing to think about really, being in love with the Lord. Not just because He loves you either, but because nothing else makes you feel so complete. Every breath is deeper. Every friendship means more. Every word speaks volumes. Every movement becomes important. Every day, a gift. Every prayer fills you with such satisfaction and hope. And when you open your eyes, you know that you're not alone. You're never alone. Everything you do is for Him and it all becomes your personal way to praise Him. To be cared for in such a way makes you whole. You want nothing more than to be His. 

"I can't imagine a life without You, without You, 'cause it's all for You. Yeah it's all for You God!"

-Hillsong United.

go missing.

I'm not sure how He does it, but any time I'm in a rough spot or having a hard time truly appreciating all that's around me, God finds a way to bring me back to Him. Sometimes it's so simple that I fear I miss most of what He's trying to tell me. Yet he always knows where to find me when I'm lost. The beginning of the year has not been smooth and I know I started to get caught up in trivial things that shouldn't have consumed me the way they did. I lost sight of what was important. I was thinking, "it's the new year, time for some change." And right there, I started focusing on all the wrong areas of my life. I'm going to stop doing this, I'm going to take this out of the problem, I'm going to remove this from my mind, and I never stopped to think about all the good things I could bring into my life. I was so enwrapped in the negative and what needed to be erased that I started a cycle. I was stressed about getting money for school, starting school, my best friend leaving, saying goodbye to a selfish love, feeling I had no one to talk to, and it didn't stop there. It was all I thought about. I was so unhappy and I had no idea I was doing it to myself. And I'll be honest. I never asked God to help me figure out what had gotten me in such a rut. 

Turns out I didn't need to ask. He knew. And He found a way to tell me. This is where the Lord becomes so awesome. What I'm about to tell you couldn't have been set up more perfectly. 

Right in the middle of a conversation about negative and positive vibes towards certain holidays and plans for next year, a friend of mine switched subjects like a fair-weather-fan switches teams. He said, "Our GOD is a great GOD isn't he!! Psalm 43:5. Read it."

'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my savior and my God!'

How did he know? He didn't. He went on to tell me two others that he has hanging at work as reminders. Hebrews 13:5.

'Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."

and Psalm 143:1. 

'Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.'

"Thought maybe you would enjoy the verses."

This is where I find peace. I could never explain how perfectly those verses fit with my thoughts. And had it been any one else to recommend them to me, I wouldn't have been so eager to look them up. It just so happens that I trust him and I respect his faith. He's become one of the most supporting friends I've been blessed with. It had to be the right tim and the right place and the right person. How could anyone know what exact formula to create to make it all work together?

God knows. He uses us every day. Cameron probably didn't know he was helping me get back on track. He was just sharing his faith. If you think about it, sharing your faith could be life altering. I don't know when Jesus uses me for His works. I want to be more aware. Because if I can feel it, maybe I could do more. If something so simple as asking someone to read a Bible verse could make a destructive thought pattern turn a 180, imagine what we could do if we really tried. If we knew what we were doing when we did it. I want to make a difference. I want to trust Him completely. I want to be loved. I can have all of that if i just make God my life. It's not hard either. I could make all the excuses I wanted, try and get out of it. But why would I do that when getting into it is the only way I feel whole? It's when I'm happy. When I'm alive. I don't know how He does it but He always finds me when I go missing. He always brings me back. 

'God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when the earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!' -Psalm 46:1-3.

wake up.

I had a dream about you last night. Everything bad that happened was all taken back and all the terrible things we said weren't true. You sat down, kissed me on the forehead and told me that everything was going to be alright. And in that moment, I knew it would be. I was 100% sure. In that moment I felt peace. I was happy and I knew that I would have you forever. I told you I loved you and I meant it. But like all good things that end, I woke up. Everything that was right went away and I had to accept it for what it was. I would do anything to have that feeling back, to have you back, but it was just a dream. And at the end of every dream, you wake up. 

doing nothing.

It's always been hard for me to let go and give it all up to God, and lately I've been feeling like He's teasing me. Just to humble me. 

Here laurel, I have something for you. Now go ahead and show Me your plans for the gift and as soon as you have it all figured out I'm going to pull the rug out from under your feet just at the right time so that you don't get hurt. Eventually you'll get the idea that every thing is My doing. But until then, I'm going to build your trust in Me. Forcing you to see that I have it covered. Nothing will get past me, good or bad. Just remember that I love you. Oh, and here's another. So show Me your plans for this one...

It's like a big joke and He's just waiting for me to give up. I'm just waiting for me to give up. I keep telling myself that it would be so much better just to submit to Him and stop trying to control my own life. As soon as I can do that, I'll be able to live my life the way He wants me to. I'm only setting myself back. I keep thinking that I can take little pieces and manipulate them to be the way I want them. It's actually pretty funny. I'm starting to look forward to the next rug pulling. Because I want to get to that last one. The one where everything becomes clear. The one that proves I've been doing it wrong all along. The one that starts the first day of the rest of my life. So ha! Bring it on. I'm ready to start doing nothing. Not ignoring Your initial set up of course, but removing my own desires from the equation. By doing nothing, I'll be more open to Your suggestion.

So show Me your plans for this one...

not today.

It's a little bit off. I feel a little bit off. I'm not sad but everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. I'm not happy but I keep catching myself grinning at nothing at all. I feel heavy. And I feel spaced. I'm energetic enough to run a marathon, but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. And the best part? I'm going back and forth. I have two to think about. One option is to wait, the other is to go ahead and be reckless. So what do I do? With waiting, I don't know if what i'm waiting for will ever happen. "Leave no trails." I can't be sure that my waiting will produce anything but wasted time. And with being wreckless, aren't I supposed to be guarding my heart? The love is already there. It always has been. But is it what I want or is it just that it wants me at all? There are so many positives and negatives to each side of the list. He's what I want but he doesn't want me. He wants me but he's not ready to be what I want. Where does that leave me? Alone is where. Maybe that's the answer. To not have one. No waiting, no rushing. Just being. Eventually God will reveal what my heart desires, because right now it's playing hide and seek. Ha ha you don't get to know yet. When you find me maybe I'll let you see. But until that day, enjoy being a mess. Because that day definitly is not today.

not really.

I wish this would come out the way I want it to. But the more I try to write it out, the more lost with myself I become. And if I'm lost in my own head, how can I expect anyone else to follow along? I don't need him. I want him. But I want him to be a version of himself I've only seen a few times. Someone I know he'd be good at. Someone who he'd be proud of, but I want him to want it for himself. So how does one go about showing someone how amazing they could be without insulting the person they put on every day? How do I say, "hey you could be so much better if you tried" without saying it? I know he's in there. I'm trying to encourage him subtly, but sometimes I feel like i'm not even getting the messages I'm trying to send him. So subtle! He's already made so much progress, he's so close but I can feel him slipping away. I don't want the slipping away version. I've had that one before and he's no fun. That one's kinda grumpy, 24-7. So this is where I lose myself. It seems like I want the best him for me. Like he should do it for me, not him, even though everyone knows that never works. I want him the way I want him and I don't want him if he's not that person. But what if he doesn't want to be that person? Not just for me either, but for him? What if he's content being a lesser version than what he's capable of? What if I can't make him see it? What if he doesn't care? I can't decide if I'm a selfish person or if I'm actually doing something good for him. Me and him. Him for him and me. Why do I need to be in the picture? I want to help him but what if that line blurs from the "I'll be there for you" to "only if you're in it for me, otherwise, not really"? I know who he could be, and I love him for that. That him is everything I want. That him is perfect. But what if he's not really in to being perfect? What if he was only pretending and that's not really who he is? What if I fell in love with some one who's not really there? Is it wrong to want that person back? Or not really?

nearly four.

It's late at night and I can't help wondering if this is how I want me to be. I wish that sometimes I could fly or disappear, then come back home a new and perfect person. There wouldn't be a reason to not let go. It's coming out so wrong I might have to start all over again and tell you all I never said. I'd be the best at being brave. But tonight I'll sit and think of words that never come when I need them most. I'll write them down and curse the day I'll never get to say them. Pretend I'm there. Come find me when I'm missing. And pretend I'm there when you're alone. I'll pretend I'm not scared, you'll never know the diffenerce, but believe me when I say that I'm alright. Cause I'll say that I'm alright. And now it's nearly four, the morning coudn't be more infectious than this cureless disease of hope and failing disbelief. Why can't I sleep? I'll dream of you and when I wake up I will wish I'd never fallen so far.. But I fell so far in love.. And I'll never get to say it.