so displaced.

I'm angry today God. And I've been angry for a while. I don't understand this mess I've been in and I don't understand why it won't just go away. I don't understand why You can't make it go away. I know that there's a lesson to be learned from every situation, but in order for that to happen, the situation has to end first... Right? So why isn't it ENDING? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I feel loved and cherished the way I know You want me to? I feel like even though I'm trying to lean on You through all of this, it's still getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. With the people closest to me pushing me away and this looming decision to make that I know will change the course of my life forever, I feel like I should be making some progress somewhere. Nothing.

I should be able to deal with moving away from home. I should be able to handle being uprooted suddenly, without warning and without regard to my comfort level. I should be able to because life happens. And I have You. So why can't I get my tongue in check? Why can't I stop saying these hurtful things to my family? I don't have the right to dishonor them no matter how fast they're pushing me out. But I can't gain control of my emotions. I can't smile when my sister enters the room. I can't say 'welcome home' to my mother for these last few weeks when we both live here. I can't be patient with the rest of them because I know that no one is on my side. I don't have a side. I'm just disappearing and no one could be happier. Why is this happening, and why do I feel this way about it? Why can't I get over it already??

And Peru is so far away, yet so close. I need to make my decision. You told me You gave me the answer. If that's true, then why do I have such a heavy heart? I want to follow You. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be ready. But I'm not. And this upsets me. It upsets me most because I know I can do better. I know I could handle it, and I know that You'd never give me a task too big for me to take on. Yet I still feel the pull to stay home. Go to school, the desire I hope will never go away. Prepare myself for the life I know You have planned for me. But am I just procrastinating? Is Peru my first step in a long succession of missions for You? Or is it just an opportunity where the door could have just as easily been closed as open? I don't know what to choose, God. I don't know where to turn. If I'm not supposed to feel this way, please either shove me out or close the door. I'm sick of straddling the entryway, afraid to move. Afraid to take a step. In or out. I need your help to choose. 

All of this is happening and as mad and hurt as I am that I can't do anything about any of it, I can't help thinking that I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have You. If I couldn't talk to You and tell You about my fears, I would be lost without a light to turn to. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely lost. The difference is that YOU are my light that I can turn to when things go wrong. You are the hand I want to hold. You are the smile I want to see. You are the mood I want to be in, the song I want to sing, and the scent I want to wear every day. Jesus, it's becoming clear to me that even I'm not on my side. Only You are. Please, show me where You are so I can be with you. That's all I want. I'm searching and longing to find you. Reach out and pull me up. I don't understand how I became so displaced.