right now.

It took about a pound of jello fruit salad and marshmallows for me to realize that I'm stuffed. Not only do I feel disgusting now from so much sugar, but I also feel like I'm about to explode from bottling up so many emotions at once. I am a stuffed person. And I want to empty it all out. Not the salad, the heavy weight on my chest that's making life so hard to live. The heavy weight that I keep adding to with worries and guilt. Conviction and secrecy. Evasion of the truth and selfishness. I talk a lot about letting things go. Going with the flow. Trusting that God has me in His hands. Do I live that life? Certainly not. It's something I long for like nothing else but I don't quite know how to achieve it. I keep thinking that one day it will just click and all of the sudden, my worries will be gone. My stress will disappear. Like magic. Poof. It evaporated into thin air. How is that a good plan?!

I need to start owning up to my own unhappiness and stop waiting for God to fix everything for me. This is my confession. I don't pray. I don't read my Bible. I don't journal. I don't talk to my accountability partner. I don't seek advice from my mentor. I don't address the issues I'm faced within a timely manner. I don't listen to my heart when it tells me I'm convicted. I don't listen for God when He's trying to reach me. I don't sing during worship. I don't actually give anything when I serve. I space out when I'm listening to a sermon. I judge people and I lie. I gossip. I cheat. I'm not available for those who need me. I don't care. I treat people with hate instead of love. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I am not pure of heart or mind. I sulk. I'm lazy. I'm vain. I care too much of my appearance and how people view my life. I sin. Every day. If I can't take care of those things by myself, or ever acknowledge that they are all problems directly related to my motives and my heart, how can I expect God to swoop in and save me? Really? If I'm not willing to bring these problems to Him and ASK for help? It's not possible. I don't repent. I need to ask for forgiveness. And my whole life I've just expected to be saved without any effort on my part. 

Jesus. I'm sorry. I am a selfish person. I don't want You to be in control of my life because You may not lead me where I want to go. It's not helping me. Please help me. I want to change. I will change. I will start seeking You daily. I just need to know that You'll be waiting when I come looking for You. I don't want to live like this anymore. I will not allow myself to abuse Your grace anymore. I will no longer worry about what tomorrow will bring because I know that whatever I'm faced with, it's from You. I will start listening to You. 

I know there's a verse that goes along with that. Worrying. It's not good to worry. It doesn't do any good. It only shows my lack of faith. 

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Seek His kingdom. Jesus, from this day forward, I will do my part. I will stop my apathy and I will make a difference in my own life. Because really, how can I make a difference in the lives around me like I want to if I can't even clean up my own mess that I've created? Seek His righteousness. I want to be whole. I want to be pure. I want to be filled with forgiveness and trust and grace. I want to show love in all that I do. I want to follow You, Lord. Every day. Starting right now.