with me.

I've been trying to write for about a month now.. and everything I come up with - I end up deleting five minutes later. So I'm done. That's it. Everything I was going to say came back to that small, yet vital, sentence. I'm done. And that's why I couldn't write anything. I'm done complaining too. I'm done whining about things, I'm done wondering why things aren't the way they seem, I'm done asking questions that never get answered. But most of all, I'm done with people.

I'm done with people who are done with me.

right now.

It took about a pound of jello fruit salad and marshmallows for me to realize that I'm stuffed. Not only do I feel disgusting now from so much sugar, but I also feel like I'm about to explode from bottling up so many emotions at once. I am a stuffed person. And I want to empty it all out. Not the salad, the heavy weight on my chest that's making life so hard to live. The heavy weight that I keep adding to with worries and guilt. Conviction and secrecy. Evasion of the truth and selfishness. I talk a lot about letting things go. Going with the flow. Trusting that God has me in His hands. Do I live that life? Certainly not. It's something I long for like nothing else but I don't quite know how to achieve it. I keep thinking that one day it will just click and all of the sudden, my worries will be gone. My stress will disappear. Like magic. Poof. It evaporated into thin air. How is that a good plan?!

I need to start owning up to my own unhappiness and stop waiting for God to fix everything for me. This is my confession. I don't pray. I don't read my Bible. I don't journal. I don't talk to my accountability partner. I don't seek advice from my mentor. I don't address the issues I'm faced within a timely manner. I don't listen to my heart when it tells me I'm convicted. I don't listen for God when He's trying to reach me. I don't sing during worship. I don't actually give anything when I serve. I space out when I'm listening to a sermon. I judge people and I lie. I gossip. I cheat. I'm not available for those who need me. I don't care. I treat people with hate instead of love. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I am not pure of heart or mind. I sulk. I'm lazy. I'm vain. I care too much of my appearance and how people view my life. I sin. Every day. If I can't take care of those things by myself, or ever acknowledge that they are all problems directly related to my motives and my heart, how can I expect God to swoop in and save me? Really? If I'm not willing to bring these problems to Him and ASK for help? It's not possible. I don't repent. I need to ask for forgiveness. And my whole life I've just expected to be saved without any effort on my part. 

Jesus. I'm sorry. I am a selfish person. I don't want You to be in control of my life because You may not lead me where I want to go. It's not helping me. Please help me. I want to change. I will change. I will start seeking You daily. I just need to know that You'll be waiting when I come looking for You. I don't want to live like this anymore. I will not allow myself to abuse Your grace anymore. I will no longer worry about what tomorrow will bring because I know that whatever I'm faced with, it's from You. I will start listening to You. 

I know there's a verse that goes along with that. Worrying. It's not good to worry. It doesn't do any good. It only shows my lack of faith. 

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Seek His kingdom. Jesus, from this day forward, I will do my part. I will stop my apathy and I will make a difference in my own life. Because really, how can I make a difference in the lives around me like I want to if I can't even clean up my own mess that I've created? Seek His righteousness. I want to be whole. I want to be pure. I want to be filled with forgiveness and trust and grace. I want to show love in all that I do. I want to follow You, Lord. Every day. Starting right now.

little me.

I don't know how You did it. God, you are amazing. My heart is bursting with love for You and I know it's only because Yours is bursting with love for me. Little me. When you're so unfathomably great. You took the time to love, and then die for, little me. That concept blows my mind. Why would You do something like that? For someone like me, who falls so short of Your glory, so unworthy of Your sacrifice. 

If you think about it, we are nothing. We are flawed. Broken. Dirty. We have no right to exist. Everything we touch, we ruin. Nothing good comes from our hands, and in our hearts - anger and hate breeds like sudden deadly fire, never easily put out. We are imperfect and we deserve death for our sins. Deserve it. So how are we rewarded eternal happiness in the arms of our Lord? It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't make sense. In this big picture we can never fully see all at once, God doesn't make sense to our small minds. Everyone falls short of the glory of God. Yet we are allowed to enter Heaven. Why?

Jesus Christ. 

God, in man form. Born in this world, never of this world, a perfect being. Not a blemish to His wonderful name. I can't think of a single day that I went without sinning. Jesus went His whole life. No sin. Not only is that remarkable all by itself, but then add the self-sacrifice for the most ungodly creatures ever created. Us. Jesus DIED for us. He took our sins to hell and left them there so not a single person would ever be damned again. His own father, our Heavenly Father, condemned him so that we would be pardoned. So that little me could go to Heaven and spend the rest of time in the presence of my creator. 

This story would mean nothing if it weren't for today, too. Easter Sunday, when Jesus rose from the dead to take His seat at the right hand of God. My God is alive and He is alive in me. Nothing is impossible for Jesus. He beat death, He saved my soul before I was even a breath of a thought, and He loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine. So rejoice in the resurrection of our savior today. For without Him, we would be lost. I would be lost. Thank you, my awesome God, for taking the time to love and die for little me. 

my own.

I can't do it anymore. I need to make it right, get it out and move on. I don't ever want to feel this way again.. Like I won't be able to breathe unless I make some sort of excuse. I need Your help, Jesus. I know that I won't make it on my own. 

care anymore.

I'm done with grudges. The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. The 'I didn't know you were trying to talk to me for the past two weeks..?'. The avoiding of any form of contact what so ever. Grow up. Excuse me while I vent for a minute. If I did something to deserve this, I would understand. I would probably agree with you. But I didn't. Either time. With either of you. If you have a problem with me, man up and say so. Or woman up. Whatever. I'm done begging you to talk to me again. If you can go this long without me, then I can certainly make it by without you. You've known me since you were five. You know I would never hurt you. And deep down I think you know you made this mess all by yourself. I think it's time you stop blaming me for it. It's over with. You're happy. I'm happy. We should be able to do this together like we have for so long. Let go of your stubbornness. It's not helping anyone. Screw this game, I'm tired. I don't want to play anymore. You have one more chance to apologize like you should have months ago. Or I'm done. I don't care anymore. 

like this.

It's that good feeling. It's a breath of fresh air. It's trying to fall asleep.. and failing. It's the way you smile at me. It's the good nervous that makes your fingers twitch. It's just like relaxing after a long day. All these things I'm discovering and learning about you make me happy. I don't understand where it came from, I don't understand how it happened so fast, but there it is. I'm not going to deny it, I'm scared. It's been a long time since I've felt ready. But I'm ready. And I don't think I could trust you more. I'm excited to see what God's plan is. It's making me admit that not all new things are bad. Some of them can turn out to be really really good! However.. I don't know how I feel, because it's everything at once. Happy, scared, nervous, anxious, timid, bold, giddy.. All of it is floating around in me at any given moment.. and any one of them could surface. But every one of them is okay when I'm with you. I'm comfortable with you. It's the security that makes everything okay. It's the songs I relate to you, even when they're completely off topic. It's a heavy sigh when you know it's right. It's the way you act and the person you are that makes me like you like this. 

just notice.

I need it back. That fire that wasn't ever contained.  It breathed life into me and what am I let with now? That's just it. What am I left with. Where is it? What happened? Have I lost focus again Lord? Have I ruined everything one last time? Am I going to recover? I have all these questions and no one ever answers me. Am I asking at the wrong time? Am I not listening? Teach me to listen. Because I know I've heard You before. I know You're there. But something's missing. My friendships are falling apart. Family is falling apart. There's new people I'm not so sure of. I feel like I can't think. I can't move without starting a new wave of anxiety. A new rush of fear. I'm bleeding myself dry. And for what? To continue to go unnoticed? I'm bleeding. And it never stops. I don't want it to. Sometimes I feel like if I heal, I'll never amount to anything. Like, to suffer is to live. I can't have one without the other. I won't. Why? It's not hard to be happy. It's actually really easy. Really easy to look happy. Smile. Crinkle your eyes a bit. Make a joke. Dare to laugh. But how do you know if you're really happy? Does the sick in your stomach go away when you're happy? Do the nerves ever, really, go away? All I want is to be alone. When I'm alone I can breathe. When I'm alone I can think. I can see things clearly. When I'm alone, I lose it. I turn inward and thoughts like everything above fly in and out of my mind. I'm an over-thinker. I freak out. Then I write it down and I'm okay. I feel okay. That's really what this is all about, right? Learning not to hold things inside? Let it all out, let it all go? Sure. Easier said than done. It's harder to actually say it than to say it's easy to say. It's not easy at all. Does this make me mental? Why can't I ever calm the pulse of my heart! I'm never relaxed! I'm really good at faking it but I feel like I'm wasting time. All time is a waste of time. I should be doing more, I could be working more, playing more, traveling more, praying more. More more more. What will I become? More that you thought I would. And then, there it is. I'm angry at you. I'm upset and I can't tell you. Why won't you just notice? 

be adored.

It's weird when your world gets shaken. Wake up calls are almost surreal. Life as you know it alters when you have a really good epiphany. And sometimes, all it takes is a single smile. 

I was ready to wait. For how long? I don't know. However long it took I suppose. I've been out of it for so long, it didn't feel much different. Wait for this, wait for that, wait till I'm ready, wait till you're ready. It all seemed the same. I didn't think I wasn't getting everything I wanted. It never occurred to me. I forgot what it felt like to be sought after. To be pursued. It took a smile for me to realize that I don't have to settle and wait for happiness. It took a smile for me to remember what I've been holding out for all this time. 

I just want to be adored. 

And I think I've been getting it wrong. All I can think about is reading Hosea. My idea of love has been skewed by the world. I want to be adored, but I'll never know how to handle it if I don't first let Jesus be the one to pursue me. He's the only one who can do it right. He's the only one who knows how. If I get to the point where I'm able to recognize God's passion for me, I'll eventually be able to recognize when he places that love in the man meant just for me. But I have to know what I'm looking for. I need to let Him in. I need to be vulnerable. And I don't think I'm the only one. This goes for everyone. God is waiting for you to let Him adore you. It's all He wants. So let go. 

And be adored. 

right thing.

It's a strange feeling to watch your prayers being answered. People always say you need to be careful what you pray for, and it's completely true! I asked God for a level head. The courage to say what needed to be said, and the will to leave my heart out of it. Sentence by sentence I felt His master plan unfold. I was more brave than I've ever been, I said things I didn't want to say, and I meant it. Keep your head above your heart. It will take you where you need to go. And it hurts. Be careful what you pray for. God will make sure, if it's in your best interest, that it happens. 

And though it hurts, I can't help but feel relieved. It's out in the open. It may not have gone the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going this way. So I'm at least not shocked. I feel like I can breathe again. Let go. Be me. Stop guessing. It was the tears that found my eyes before I reached the top of the stairs that told me I did the right thing.

he was.

I had another dream about it last night. Never a face, just a feeling. A certain familiarity. A specific disgust with him, and myself. I hate feeling dirty. But there it is. And if I try to ignore it, it creeps into my subconscious. Dreams are supposed to be sweet. They're not supposed to force you to re-visit your living nightmares. Every time it's the same too. It starts out completely innocent. This time, I was playing out in the yard with Kara on a summer day. Throwing water balloons and splashing in a pool. Laughing. Then the storm clouds come rolling in, and I can smell the sweat on his chest. He smiles and hides around a corner, waiting. And I'm alone. It's dark, cold, and frightening. I run and run but I never get anywhere. I yell and scream till my throat is hoarse but no sound escapes. I look to whoever I see for help, but no one knows what I'm asking for. No one can hear me. No one cares. They don't get it. So they look away. And he closes in. I fight him off at first, and I'm almost successful. But he wins every time. It always ends this way. I'm taken. Crying and thrashing about, but he's stronger. And I still don't know who he is. 

Who he was. 

my prayer.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now. We both know this is the feeling that destroys me. I can usually figure out what's causing it, but not this time. I have multiple guesses, but none really seem to make sense. And it feels like this has been coming for a while now. Otherwise, it wouldn't have all happened at the same time. It's like each small thing I'm worried about has all come out in the open. Maybe I've ignored them for too long and it's just not possible to keep it all inside anymore.. I really don't know. They just seem like such insignificant problems. They don't seem like the type of things that do any real harm. But here I am tonight, God, after spending time with good friends and laughing all night, feeling completely alone. Not physically. But emotionally. I feel like I have no where to turn, yet everything to turn away from. I feel susceptible to doubt and self criticism, I feel like every word spoken is aimed to hurt me. I feel like everything I know to be true is just a curtain hiding something bigger. I think I've worn myself down. My walls are falling and the enemy is drawing near. That's the only explanation I can think of. Because these feelings could never be from You. 

And on top of all that, I feel a rebellious streak coming on. All I want to do are the things I know won't help me in the slightest. I want to do all the things I never did before, to spite myself in a way. I want to be reckless and insensitive. I want to say what I think and do whatever pleases me at the moment. I want to be selfish. The only think keeping me from doing these things is You. I want You to smile when You see me. I want to be Your little girl. I don't want You to see me go off the deep end. But here I am, standing at the edge, ready to jump. Save me. 

Save me, Jesus. From myself, from my insecurities, my doubt, my failings. Save me so I can move past this and live for You. This is my prayer. 

best friend.

I feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This feeling is a direct result of my last blog too, which is kind of cool. It makes me wonder why I ever thought staying silent was easier. 

Back up.

I've been stuck inside my own insecurities for a while, unable to talk to my best friend and tell her the honest truth about why I've been distant. In a really round-about way, I was afraid to tell her some things simply because I was afraid to tell her. Anything. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, these things never do. But since I've challenged myself to be more brave, I got the guts to tell her exactly why I'm afraid to tell her why I'm afraid. ...Yes. The round-about problem. No other way to explain it. But now that it's over and everything went back to normal, I can breathe again. I have a best friend again. It just makes me so mad that I believe all these lies I tell myself. That I'm not good enough, or that I'm too much to handle. Where do those lies even come from? Who tells me to tell myself that my problems will go away if I let them fester and rot in my head? That they'll go away if I ignore them? Definitely not God... 

That's what it boils down to. Will I choose to listen to God on a daily basis or will I continue to let Satan inside my head - bringing me down one insecurity at a time? TOUGHT DECISION. God would never let me feel insignificant. He would never tell me I'm not good enough. I just need to learn how to ignore the negative and focus on what God is trying to say. Right now He's telling me that I have a pretty awesome best friend! 

want to.

Being brave, I think, is my weakest point. Courage is something that I've never owned. I'm not a scaredy cat.. I'm just.. More comfortable this way. That's what it comes down to I guess. I'm comfortable with the way things are. With the way things are going. With the people I know. The things I do. With what I'll never say. It's obviously holding me back from things I wish I could do or say, but there it is. That big scary word I don't like to apply. Brave. I'm too afraid of what will happen if something goes wrong. Or if it doesn't work out how I wanted it to. I'm afraid to let myself down. Lame. 

This is a visual for myself to take chances. Risks. Leap. Go for it. Try. Hopefully all this courage I'm seeking after will cause you to do the same. Because I can't ask you to be brave if I can't do it myself.. Can I. That's hypocritical. That's dumb. And honestly, there are some things I wish you'd just say. Things I wish you'd do. But I wouldn't be able to do it either. So I don't blame you. I'm just tired of always holding myself back. I don't know if that's what you do or not. But I just wanted to let you know...

I promise that I'll let you, if you decide you want to.

like me.

I am not myself right now!! There are a number of things that have been happening slash that I have been doing that are uncharacteristic of Laurel. Without naming every single little thing that's been odd, because that would take a while, I'll just tell you one.

I cursed today!! For real! Like, I was mad, I started yelling, and a said a curse word! At someone! I don't DO that! Something is definitely wrong here. Next thing you know I'll be smoking and drinking up a storm! Okay not really, I just severely freaked myself out today. Can someone please help me get to the bottom of this? I can't tell if this change that is taking place is necessarily a bad thing. Yeah swearing might not be so beneficial... for anyone.. But maybe I've been holding myself at a higher standard than I hold other people and this is me.. falling? Which would, in a sense, make me more.. me. Or at least more real. 

Not too long ago I was in a fightslashslapintheface with my best friend. She brought it to my attention that I haven't been very honest with myself.. Therefore making it hard for me to be completely honest with anyone else. Basically that I'm a fake. She said it pretty nicely though. Which I appreciated greatly. But the point is that I need to start being honest. Since I've been aware of this little fun fact.. Everything started changing. I started changing. 

And now I have to decide whether or not I like me. 

this game.

We don't have to live like this, it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm losing sleep when it's all I want to do. Because every time I close my eyes, I dream of you. I'm making myself sick with this secret, but is it really worth getting caught? If it's all out in the open, will this insane routine go away? I try to focus on life, of God, on making myself whole. But I can't. And I'm going crazy. 

I don't like this game. 

ever understand.

I always wonder. I have to. Do we really get it? Love? We try, and we get close, but I don't think we even scratch the surface. I've certainly heard of it.. I hear it every day. But it means something different than it should. It means something selfish to our world. It means heartbreak. It means pain and suffering through a storm just to catch a glimpse of sunlight. And then we feel lucky. But Jesus, it has to be more than that. I've felt it. From You. Love isn't a glimpse of light. It's the burn you get from reaching out and grabbing a handful of sun. Love is drowning happiness. It's the tears You shed, filling up our lungs, making it impossible to speak or even breathe. Love is catching a star on our way to heaven. The one that has our name on it. It's the ache we feel in our throat when we've sang for joy longer than we've been alive. The pounding in our chest that keeps the world turning on it's side when it's too tired to go on. Love is the twisting of our very lives, intertwining us with Your grace and mercy. The ability to hold the sky in our hands. It's the wind we can't quite capture, but makes us feel alive when it swirls through our senses, reminding us that though we are insignificant, we are the most important and treasured of all creations. Love is selfless. Love is an offering of hope, a peek at paradise. Love is Your blood. 

Love. Is. But Jesus, 

Will we ever understand?

hate this.

Good joke, God. You could have let me know sooner, I think. I don't see how it would have been hard to do that, or what I needed to learn from this though I'm sure you'll show me in time. Your time of course. I'm grateful that You closed the door so quickly though so no one really ended up getting hurt. Well, almost no one. This is going to be really hard, isn't it? But even when I don't want to, I'll follow You. 

I hope you know I hate this. 

help it.

I tried. It was easier in the beginning because I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was I going? Or was I staying? Either way, I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to ruin it. So it was easy to stay away, or at a distance at least. I even had help, if I can call it that. She doesn't like the idea forming in my head at all. She convinced me I was being reckless. For a while. But I can't ignore it any more. I tried. And now I can't help it. 

you are.

¹³ Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. ¹⁴ And do everything with love. 1 Corinthians 16.

Is this who you are? Is it who you will be? 

Be on guard. To give protection; keep watch; be watchful. To take precautions.

For what? From what? Be on our guard against...? Everything. I believe there's a reason this first sentence is so broad and general. Be on your guard. Period. Sounds exhausting. It's not easy, but it's the only way to survive. Guard everything you possess and everything you are. If you can name it, you must guard it. Guard your heart. Your mind. Your soul. Your innocence. Your ears. Your eyes. Your tongue. Your actions. Your thoughts. Be on guard. Don't let the wall down ever for a second. Because that's when the attack will strike. It's tough. And you'll want to quit. Don't. Always be on guard. 

Stand firm in the faith. Belief and trust in the unseen. Confidence in truth not based on facts. 

Truth. Unseen. Do not be swayed. Know what you believe in and preach it with every fiber in your being! Live in faith, walk in faith. Lead. By. Faith. That's where you meet God. You are not alone and you don't need to be afraid of what's coming next. You may not know that next step, but faith in the Lord will give you peace about your future. You will be confident that He has you in his arms. You will, without a doubt, make it through whatever this life and the evils of this world throw at you if you simply have faith that God loves you. Stand firm in that faith. 

Be courageous. Without fear. To act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

It's our job to run into the fire. Face our fears. Stand up for what we believe in and essentially ignore the people who try to tear us down. What are we afraid of anyway? What can this world do to us that our God can't save us from? What even is  there to be afraid of when we think like that? Are we afraid of rejection? So what. If we aren't willing to be ridiculed for our faith, then we're not willing to lead people to Jesus. Afraid of dying? Why? All that will happen in that case is a good  thing. Afraid to stand out? Afraid to go against the grain? Afraid we won't fit in? Selfish. My pastor recently said that we are born with two fears. The fear of falling, and the fear of loud noises. Have you gotten over those yet? Good. Now go out, share the word, and have courage. 

Be strong. Power of resisting force, strain, or wear. Unwavering. 

This is not talking about physical strength. No human can defeat the devil alone, no matter how physically strong he or she is. Our bodies are temporary. Only the strength from God can keep us alive after our bodies have gone. So be strong. Know the Lord. Keep Him in your pocket everywhere you go. Use Him in everything you do. He is your only weapon, your only hope. The power God has is infinite and He wants to share it with you! It would be extremely unwise to think we can do it on our own. How could we have so much faith in ourselves? We are nothing without the strength of God. So use it. Be strong. 

And do everything with love. 

No definition necessary. The world has a skewed view on love. We often confuse it with lust. We dismiss it as a feeling or affection towards another person. We portray it in a negative light by 'falling' in love.We discredit love by mixing it with our fear of loneliness. We use it to often and too loosely. I love your hair. I'm in love with this actor. We were sooo in love but then we broke up a week later. Do you not see a pattern here? It's clear to me that our world needs a refresher course in love. I promise it would be the shortest class in History. It would consist of one sentence, and one mental image. God is Love and Love is Jesus on the Cross. Do everything with love. Unselfish. Without limit. ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1Corinth. 13).

This is why we are called to a higher purpose than simply existing. This world is nothing without Love. Nothing without God. We can ignore it and we can pretend we don't need it anymore. We can convince even ourselves that we've found something better. Something easier. We'll replace love with passion and desire; with lust. We will wave it off as something only found in fairy tales. But what we need to understand is that when we know God, we're in that fairy tale! It exists and it's the most wonderful knowledge no one can take away from you when you feel God's love! There's no getting around it. 

Because love will last forever. And if God is love? Then God will last forever. With all of this in mind, is this who you are?

sweetest things.

These past two weeks have easily been the hardest, most monumentally moving two weeks of my life. There's something to be said about silence. It's underrated in my opinion. The world is so full of distractions, it's no wonder people are always saying they never hear God. That He must be ignoring us or somewhere else when we need Him. Think about it. When was the last time you sat in silence and sought after Him? Not just for a few seconds, but for an extended period of time? I didn't realize how completely rude I was being. I was expecting God to show up right when I asked for Him to speak. On my terms. I wasn't listening. These past two weeks I've given up music in my life.. which is a huge deal! I always have music playing. Always. But somehow God made it clear that if I wanted to speak with Him, I would need to rid my life of that distraction. I would need the silence. It wasn't easy.. It's still not easy. But never have I heard God speak like I have now. He talks to me every day. He helps me even with small decisions; what to say, who to talk to, where to turn off of a busy street, where my keys are, when it's time to wake up in the morning, and who needs a word of encouragement... God speaks! I never heard before because I simply wasn't listening. And this came from giving up one of my small distractions. Just one. Imagine of there weren't any at all! This world would be changed.. People would be changed. I would be changed. I'm contemplating releasing this worlds music hold on my life. Not to the extreme of banning it forever, but I don't want to lose the silence. I don't want these conversations with God to ever go away. 

Who knew that in all this deafening silence, I would hear the sweetest things?