with dreaming.

I think we take dreams too lightly. Or at least, I do. I can't even find the words to describe how happy I am right now that God has the best sense of humor ever, so this is going to be very short. I don't want to give too much away either. Everything about this situation is perfect. There's no way it was a coincidence, because I asked God for clarification. He wouldn't have confused me like that, even if He did tease me afterward. And I'm content to wait for His timing. Because I know what I need to wait for. I must be pretty dense because now that I reflect on it, He tried to answer me many times, I just never noticed. I was too focused on finding the answer myself. So He bonked me on the head to show me. And the only way He could show me was with dreaming. 

Thank You.

every day.

This isn't you anymore.  Those aren't your thoughts and they don't have a hold over you anymore. You can ignore them, it's not going to win this time. You know better, and you are better. This doesn't control your life the way it used to. You have had healing and it's no longer a problem for you. You can beat this want and you will have victory. Because that isn't you anymore.

This is what I have to tell myself. Every day. And every day, I struggle. Myself has come to haunt me. It's even worse than it sounds. To not give in physically hurts. I get an adrenaline rush, my hands go shaky and my vision blurs. I forget to breathe. I think; I'll try to forget again.. Forgetting isn't going to kill me... But deep down I already know it has. Part of me died and I'll never get me back. And for the rest of my life, I have to fight to keep the rest of me alive. Keep me safe, whole, pure. 

This is when I hate that part of me that died all those years ago. I blame it, but I have no right to. It was my choice. I was damaged and I didn't seek help. So it was my choice. That's why I hate it. I should have been stronger. I should have spoken up. But I didn't. I was so young! So now I get to fight against it. Every day. And every day it gets harder. You'd think it'd get easier.. but no. Every day it pulls harder than before. It's desperate for attention. It knows just how to suck me in too, like it has so many times before. 

This isn't you anymore. You gave it to God. It's not your problem, you don't have to fight this alone. 

And this is when I learn to let go. This is when I couldn't love Jesus anymore. Because I can't do it alone. I wouldn't last a second. Only with His help do I stand a chance. Only because of Him do I have a chance. Jesus died on that cross to give me triumph over this sin that grabs at me. So that I would overcome it. And so that I would  never be alone. Never. How awesome is our God? The strength He gives me every day is the only reason I'm healed. 

It's hard, and it sucks because it's part of me. But I don't have to let it drag me down, and I don't have to give it any power in my life. Because I've been saved. For that, I thank Him. Every day. And every day, I have a new hope. Because I know He'll never leave my side and He'll be here fighting with me;

Every day.