I've been having a hard time looking into my own heart. Sometimes I think I don't want to because I'm afraid of what I'll find. Am I a jealous person? Do I frown more than I smile? Do I draw others to the Lord or do I drive them away? Did I make it all up or did it really happen? Do I secretly wish harm on others? Do I openly wish harm on others? Why does it take me so long to forget if I say I've forgiven? Why can't I figure out what I want to go to school for? How often do I lie? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why can't I just get out there and dance?
I've been having a hard time opening up to God and letting him see me see myself. When I put the smallest fraction of all the questions buzzing around in my head daily down in a list, like those above, it's already overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine that God already knows all the answers to those questions and loves me anyway. And it got me thinking. How often does God have to wait for us to figure ourselves out before we realize that it's pointless? Who am I. I don't know. I'm me. Can I even describe who I am by what I do? Is it defined by what I say? Or maybe how I react? What if who I am by all possible answers to those questions isn't who I want to be?
What if I'm lost?
I need time to figure me out. I want to fix all the things I'm not proud of. And I know I can't do that alone. No one can do it alone. No one can do that even with the help of every friend in the world. Because your true friend is often the only friend we forget to ask. I forget to ask.
Something really cool happened the other day when I was in a meeting at Starbucks with Cindy. I love Cindy. Not only does she encourage me when I think I've got it all together but she challenges me when I feel all hope is lost. That seems backwards, right? That's why I love her. She shows me what I can't see. She sees behind the stage and draws the curtains. At this particular meeting, I was talking about how I felt the need to pray like others pray. Go on and on and have all this insight and fluently explain not just who needs prayers but why, how and when they got stuck. I felt I needed to be loud and bubbly and pumped in my prayers and if I wasn't, I was doing it wrong and they'd have to re-do the prayer and.... and mid-sentence, she stopped me.
Laurel, you're not loud or bubbly. You're quiet and straightforward. You get to the point, short and sweet. You use simple, honest language in your everyday speech. So why would God want you to be someone else for him? Why would He want to sit up there and look at you saying "Who is this girl talking to me right now? Certainly no one I know...?" You aren't praying for those other people to approve of your skills. You're talking to God and He's the only one listening. How do you talk to God when you're just being you?
Oh, well I don't know. Who am I when I'm being me? Do I even know how to be me?
I've also been thinking about a certain John Mayer song. He probably didn't mean for it to have any religious meaning at all, but he makes a good point. "Suppose I said I am on my best behavior. There are times I lose my worried mind. Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out when I'm someone else? And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you. Suppose I said you're my saving grace?" We all get lost. We all need help figuring out who we are. I might confuse myself with someone else at times but with a little help, I'll be just me again. I'll come around. I'll be exactly who I'm supposed to be. For You.
God, You are my saving grace.
I may not know exactly who I am right now, and I may not know how to get to be who I want to be. But along my journey I know I'm not alone. The amazing thing about this is even though I absolutely haven't done anything to deserve God's grace, He wants me. As I am. Proving myself worthy won't do anything for me. I'm the leech of this relationship. He gives me grace and love and peace and kindness and I give Him an "I don't know who I am." Still, that's okay. I want to please Him and I want to be useful in spreading His word, but I don't deserve to be wanted. Yet somehow, I am. Jesus wants me.
Jesus wants you.
Dirty and lost. Confused and searching, He finds us and takes us under His arm. We're spoken for. Loved. As we are. Even if we don't know who that is, like I don't know who exactly I am, He knows; and He wants us. Even when I'm not myself. God wants me. That should be good enough. I can be patient as I'm found. I got lost. And I'll do it again. But as long as I'm alive, I know my God will come and find me.
