with me.

I've been trying to write for about a month now.. and everything I come up with - I end up deleting five minutes later. So I'm done. That's it. Everything I was going to say came back to that small, yet vital, sentence. I'm done. And that's why I couldn't write anything. I'm done complaining too. I'm done whining about things, I'm done wondering why things aren't the way they seem, I'm done asking questions that never get answered. But most of all, I'm done with people.

I'm done with people who are done with me.

right now.

It took about a pound of jello fruit salad and marshmallows for me to realize that I'm stuffed. Not only do I feel disgusting now from so much sugar, but I also feel like I'm about to explode from bottling up so many emotions at once. I am a stuffed person. And I want to empty it all out. Not the salad, the heavy weight on my chest that's making life so hard to live. The heavy weight that I keep adding to with worries and guilt. Conviction and secrecy. Evasion of the truth and selfishness. I talk a lot about letting things go. Going with the flow. Trusting that God has me in His hands. Do I live that life? Certainly not. It's something I long for like nothing else but I don't quite know how to achieve it. I keep thinking that one day it will just click and all of the sudden, my worries will be gone. My stress will disappear. Like magic. Poof. It evaporated into thin air. How is that a good plan?!

I need to start owning up to my own unhappiness and stop waiting for God to fix everything for me. This is my confession. I don't pray. I don't read my Bible. I don't journal. I don't talk to my accountability partner. I don't seek advice from my mentor. I don't address the issues I'm faced within a timely manner. I don't listen to my heart when it tells me I'm convicted. I don't listen for God when He's trying to reach me. I don't sing during worship. I don't actually give anything when I serve. I space out when I'm listening to a sermon. I judge people and I lie. I gossip. I cheat. I'm not available for those who need me. I don't care. I treat people with hate instead of love. I'm greedy. I'm selfish. I am not pure of heart or mind. I sulk. I'm lazy. I'm vain. I care too much of my appearance and how people view my life. I sin. Every day. If I can't take care of those things by myself, or ever acknowledge that they are all problems directly related to my motives and my heart, how can I expect God to swoop in and save me? Really? If I'm not willing to bring these problems to Him and ASK for help? It's not possible. I don't repent. I need to ask for forgiveness. And my whole life I've just expected to be saved without any effort on my part. 

Jesus. I'm sorry. I am a selfish person. I don't want You to be in control of my life because You may not lead me where I want to go. It's not helping me. Please help me. I want to change. I will change. I will start seeking You daily. I just need to know that You'll be waiting when I come looking for You. I don't want to live like this anymore. I will not allow myself to abuse Your grace anymore. I will no longer worry about what tomorrow will bring because I know that whatever I'm faced with, it's from You. I will start listening to You. 

I know there's a verse that goes along with that. Worrying. It's not good to worry. It doesn't do any good. It only shows my lack of faith. 

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Seek His kingdom. Jesus, from this day forward, I will do my part. I will stop my apathy and I will make a difference in my own life. Because really, how can I make a difference in the lives around me like I want to if I can't even clean up my own mess that I've created? Seek His righteousness. I want to be whole. I want to be pure. I want to be filled with forgiveness and trust and grace. I want to show love in all that I do. I want to follow You, Lord. Every day. Starting right now.

little me.

I don't know how You did it. God, you are amazing. My heart is bursting with love for You and I know it's only because Yours is bursting with love for me. Little me. When you're so unfathomably great. You took the time to love, and then die for, little me. That concept blows my mind. Why would You do something like that? For someone like me, who falls so short of Your glory, so unworthy of Your sacrifice. 

If you think about it, we are nothing. We are flawed. Broken. Dirty. We have no right to exist. Everything we touch, we ruin. Nothing good comes from our hands, and in our hearts - anger and hate breeds like sudden deadly fire, never easily put out. We are imperfect and we deserve death for our sins. Deserve it. So how are we rewarded eternal happiness in the arms of our Lord? It doesn't make sense. It shouldn't make sense. In this big picture we can never fully see all at once, God doesn't make sense to our small minds. Everyone falls short of the glory of God. Yet we are allowed to enter Heaven. Why?

Jesus Christ. 

God, in man form. Born in this world, never of this world, a perfect being. Not a blemish to His wonderful name. I can't think of a single day that I went without sinning. Jesus went His whole life. No sin. Not only is that remarkable all by itself, but then add the self-sacrifice for the most ungodly creatures ever created. Us. Jesus DIED for us. He took our sins to hell and left them there so not a single person would ever be damned again. His own father, our Heavenly Father, condemned him so that we would be pardoned. So that little me could go to Heaven and spend the rest of time in the presence of my creator. 

This story would mean nothing if it weren't for today, too. Easter Sunday, when Jesus rose from the dead to take His seat at the right hand of God. My God is alive and He is alive in me. Nothing is impossible for Jesus. He beat death, He saved my soul before I was even a breath of a thought, and He loves you more than you could ever possibly imagine. So rejoice in the resurrection of our savior today. For without Him, we would be lost. I would be lost. Thank you, my awesome God, for taking the time to love and die for little me. 

my own.

I can't do it anymore. I need to make it right, get it out and move on. I don't ever want to feel this way again.. Like I won't be able to breathe unless I make some sort of excuse. I need Your help, Jesus. I know that I won't make it on my own. 

care anymore.

I'm done with grudges. The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. The 'I didn't know you were trying to talk to me for the past two weeks..?'. The avoiding of any form of contact what so ever. Grow up. Excuse me while I vent for a minute. If I did something to deserve this, I would understand. I would probably agree with you. But I didn't. Either time. With either of you. If you have a problem with me, man up and say so. Or woman up. Whatever. I'm done begging you to talk to me again. If you can go this long without me, then I can certainly make it by without you. You've known me since you were five. You know I would never hurt you. And deep down I think you know you made this mess all by yourself. I think it's time you stop blaming me for it. It's over with. You're happy. I'm happy. We should be able to do this together like we have for so long. Let go of your stubbornness. It's not helping anyone. Screw this game, I'm tired. I don't want to play anymore. You have one more chance to apologize like you should have months ago. Or I'm done. I don't care anymore. 

like this.

It's that good feeling. It's a breath of fresh air. It's trying to fall asleep.. and failing. It's the way you smile at me. It's the good nervous that makes your fingers twitch. It's just like relaxing after a long day. All these things I'm discovering and learning about you make me happy. I don't understand where it came from, I don't understand how it happened so fast, but there it is. I'm not going to deny it, I'm scared. It's been a long time since I've felt ready. But I'm ready. And I don't think I could trust you more. I'm excited to see what God's plan is. It's making me admit that not all new things are bad. Some of them can turn out to be really really good! However.. I don't know how I feel, because it's everything at once. Happy, scared, nervous, anxious, timid, bold, giddy.. All of it is floating around in me at any given moment.. and any one of them could surface. But every one of them is okay when I'm with you. I'm comfortable with you. It's the security that makes everything okay. It's the songs I relate to you, even when they're completely off topic. It's a heavy sigh when you know it's right. It's the way you act and the person you are that makes me like you like this. 

just notice.

I need it back. That fire that wasn't ever contained.  It breathed life into me and what am I let with now? That's just it. What am I left with. Where is it? What happened? Have I lost focus again Lord? Have I ruined everything one last time? Am I going to recover? I have all these questions and no one ever answers me. Am I asking at the wrong time? Am I not listening? Teach me to listen. Because I know I've heard You before. I know You're there. But something's missing. My friendships are falling apart. Family is falling apart. There's new people I'm not so sure of. I feel like I can't think. I can't move without starting a new wave of anxiety. A new rush of fear. I'm bleeding myself dry. And for what? To continue to go unnoticed? I'm bleeding. And it never stops. I don't want it to. Sometimes I feel like if I heal, I'll never amount to anything. Like, to suffer is to live. I can't have one without the other. I won't. Why? It's not hard to be happy. It's actually really easy. Really easy to look happy. Smile. Crinkle your eyes a bit. Make a joke. Dare to laugh. But how do you know if you're really happy? Does the sick in your stomach go away when you're happy? Do the nerves ever, really, go away? All I want is to be alone. When I'm alone I can breathe. When I'm alone I can think. I can see things clearly. When I'm alone, I lose it. I turn inward and thoughts like everything above fly in and out of my mind. I'm an over-thinker. I freak out. Then I write it down and I'm okay. I feel okay. That's really what this is all about, right? Learning not to hold things inside? Let it all out, let it all go? Sure. Easier said than done. It's harder to actually say it than to say it's easy to say. It's not easy at all. Does this make me mental? Why can't I ever calm the pulse of my heart! I'm never relaxed! I'm really good at faking it but I feel like I'm wasting time. All time is a waste of time. I should be doing more, I could be working more, playing more, traveling more, praying more. More more more. What will I become? More that you thought I would. And then, there it is. I'm angry at you. I'm upset and I can't tell you. Why won't you just notice? 

be adored.

It's weird when your world gets shaken. Wake up calls are almost surreal. Life as you know it alters when you have a really good epiphany. And sometimes, all it takes is a single smile. 

I was ready to wait. For how long? I don't know. However long it took I suppose. I've been out of it for so long, it didn't feel much different. Wait for this, wait for that, wait till I'm ready, wait till you're ready. It all seemed the same. I didn't think I wasn't getting everything I wanted. It never occurred to me. I forgot what it felt like to be sought after. To be pursued. It took a smile for me to realize that I don't have to settle and wait for happiness. It took a smile for me to remember what I've been holding out for all this time. 

I just want to be adored. 

And I think I've been getting it wrong. All I can think about is reading Hosea. My idea of love has been skewed by the world. I want to be adored, but I'll never know how to handle it if I don't first let Jesus be the one to pursue me. He's the only one who can do it right. He's the only one who knows how. If I get to the point where I'm able to recognize God's passion for me, I'll eventually be able to recognize when he places that love in the man meant just for me. But I have to know what I'm looking for. I need to let Him in. I need to be vulnerable. And I don't think I'm the only one. This goes for everyone. God is waiting for you to let Him adore you. It's all He wants. So let go. 

And be adored. 

right thing.

It's a strange feeling to watch your prayers being answered. People always say you need to be careful what you pray for, and it's completely true! I asked God for a level head. The courage to say what needed to be said, and the will to leave my heart out of it. Sentence by sentence I felt His master plan unfold. I was more brave than I've ever been, I said things I didn't want to say, and I meant it. Keep your head above your heart. It will take you where you need to go. And it hurts. Be careful what you pray for. God will make sure, if it's in your best interest, that it happens. 

And though it hurts, I can't help but feel relieved. It's out in the open. It may not have gone the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going this way. So I'm at least not shocked. I feel like I can breathe again. Let go. Be me. Stop guessing. It was the tears that found my eyes before I reached the top of the stairs that told me I did the right thing.

he was.

I had another dream about it last night. Never a face, just a feeling. A certain familiarity. A specific disgust with him, and myself. I hate feeling dirty. But there it is. And if I try to ignore it, it creeps into my subconscious. Dreams are supposed to be sweet. They're not supposed to force you to re-visit your living nightmares. Every time it's the same too. It starts out completely innocent. This time, I was playing out in the yard with Kara on a summer day. Throwing water balloons and splashing in a pool. Laughing. Then the storm clouds come rolling in, and I can smell the sweat on his chest. He smiles and hides around a corner, waiting. And I'm alone. It's dark, cold, and frightening. I run and run but I never get anywhere. I yell and scream till my throat is hoarse but no sound escapes. I look to whoever I see for help, but no one knows what I'm asking for. No one can hear me. No one cares. They don't get it. So they look away. And he closes in. I fight him off at first, and I'm almost successful. But he wins every time. It always ends this way. I'm taken. Crying and thrashing about, but he's stronger. And I still don't know who he is. 

Who he was. 

my prayer.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now. We both know this is the feeling that destroys me. I can usually figure out what's causing it, but not this time. I have multiple guesses, but none really seem to make sense. And it feels like this has been coming for a while now. Otherwise, it wouldn't have all happened at the same time. It's like each small thing I'm worried about has all come out in the open. Maybe I've ignored them for too long and it's just not possible to keep it all inside anymore.. I really don't know. They just seem like such insignificant problems. They don't seem like the type of things that do any real harm. But here I am tonight, God, after spending time with good friends and laughing all night, feeling completely alone. Not physically. But emotionally. I feel like I have no where to turn, yet everything to turn away from. I feel susceptible to doubt and self criticism, I feel like every word spoken is aimed to hurt me. I feel like everything I know to be true is just a curtain hiding something bigger. I think I've worn myself down. My walls are falling and the enemy is drawing near. That's the only explanation I can think of. Because these feelings could never be from You. 

And on top of all that, I feel a rebellious streak coming on. All I want to do are the things I know won't help me in the slightest. I want to do all the things I never did before, to spite myself in a way. I want to be reckless and insensitive. I want to say what I think and do whatever pleases me at the moment. I want to be selfish. The only think keeping me from doing these things is You. I want You to smile when You see me. I want to be Your little girl. I don't want You to see me go off the deep end. But here I am, standing at the edge, ready to jump. Save me. 

Save me, Jesus. From myself, from my insecurities, my doubt, my failings. Save me so I can move past this and live for You. This is my prayer.