my prayer.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now. We both know this is the feeling that destroys me. I can usually figure out what's causing it, but not this time. I have multiple guesses, but none really seem to make sense. And it feels like this has been coming for a while now. Otherwise, it wouldn't have all happened at the same time. It's like each small thing I'm worried about has all come out in the open. Maybe I've ignored them for too long and it's just not possible to keep it all inside anymore.. I really don't know. They just seem like such insignificant problems. They don't seem like the type of things that do any real harm. But here I am tonight, God, after spending time with good friends and laughing all night, feeling completely alone. Not physically. But emotionally. I feel like I have no where to turn, yet everything to turn away from. I feel susceptible to doubt and self criticism, I feel like every word spoken is aimed to hurt me. I feel like everything I know to be true is just a curtain hiding something bigger. I think I've worn myself down. My walls are falling and the enemy is drawing near. That's the only explanation I can think of. Because these feelings could never be from You. 

And on top of all that, I feel a rebellious streak coming on. All I want to do are the things I know won't help me in the slightest. I want to do all the things I never did before, to spite myself in a way. I want to be reckless and insensitive. I want to say what I think and do whatever pleases me at the moment. I want to be selfish. The only think keeping me from doing these things is You. I want You to smile when You see me. I want to be Your little girl. I don't want You to see me go off the deep end. But here I am, standing at the edge, ready to jump. Save me. 

Save me, Jesus. From myself, from my insecurities, my doubt, my failings. Save me so I can move past this and live for You. This is my prayer.