best friend.

I feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This feeling is a direct result of my last blog too, which is kind of cool. It makes me wonder why I ever thought staying silent was easier. 

Back up.

I've been stuck inside my own insecurities for a while, unable to talk to my best friend and tell her the honest truth about why I've been distant. In a really round-about way, I was afraid to tell her some things simply because I was afraid to tell her. Anything. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, these things never do. But since I've challenged myself to be more brave, I got the guts to tell her exactly why I'm afraid to tell her why I'm afraid. ...Yes. The round-about problem. No other way to explain it. But now that it's over and everything went back to normal, I can breathe again. I have a best friend again. It just makes me so mad that I believe all these lies I tell myself. That I'm not good enough, or that I'm too much to handle. Where do those lies even come from? Who tells me to tell myself that my problems will go away if I let them fester and rot in my head? That they'll go away if I ignore them? Definitely not God... 

That's what it boils down to. Will I choose to listen to God on a daily basis or will I continue to let Satan inside my head - bringing me down one insecurity at a time? TOUGHT DECISION. God would never let me feel insignificant. He would never tell me I'm not good enough. I just need to learn how to ignore the negative and focus on what God is trying to say. Right now He's telling me that I have a pretty awesome best friend! 

want to.

Being brave, I think, is my weakest point. Courage is something that I've never owned. I'm not a scaredy cat.. I'm just.. More comfortable this way. That's what it comes down to I guess. I'm comfortable with the way things are. With the way things are going. With the people I know. The things I do. With what I'll never say. It's obviously holding me back from things I wish I could do or say, but there it is. That big scary word I don't like to apply. Brave. I'm too afraid of what will happen if something goes wrong. Or if it doesn't work out how I wanted it to. I'm afraid to let myself down. Lame. 

This is a visual for myself to take chances. Risks. Leap. Go for it. Try. Hopefully all this courage I'm seeking after will cause you to do the same. Because I can't ask you to be brave if I can't do it myself.. Can I. That's hypocritical. That's dumb. And honestly, there are some things I wish you'd just say. Things I wish you'd do. But I wouldn't be able to do it either. So I don't blame you. I'm just tired of always holding myself back. I don't know if that's what you do or not. But I just wanted to let you know...

I promise that I'll let you, if you decide you want to.

like me.

I am not myself right now!! There are a number of things that have been happening slash that I have been doing that are uncharacteristic of Laurel. Without naming every single little thing that's been odd, because that would take a while, I'll just tell you one.

I cursed today!! For real! Like, I was mad, I started yelling, and a said a curse word! At someone! I don't DO that! Something is definitely wrong here. Next thing you know I'll be smoking and drinking up a storm! Okay not really, I just severely freaked myself out today. Can someone please help me get to the bottom of this? I can't tell if this change that is taking place is necessarily a bad thing. Yeah swearing might not be so beneficial... for anyone.. But maybe I've been holding myself at a higher standard than I hold other people and this is me.. falling? Which would, in a sense, make me more.. me. Or at least more real. 

Not too long ago I was in a fightslashslapintheface with my best friend. She brought it to my attention that I haven't been very honest with myself.. Therefore making it hard for me to be completely honest with anyone else. Basically that I'm a fake. She said it pretty nicely though. Which I appreciated greatly. But the point is that I need to start being honest. Since I've been aware of this little fun fact.. Everything started changing. I started changing. 

And now I have to decide whether or not I like me. 

this game.

We don't have to live like this, it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm losing sleep when it's all I want to do. Because every time I close my eyes, I dream of you. I'm making myself sick with this secret, but is it really worth getting caught? If it's all out in the open, will this insane routine go away? I try to focus on life, of God, on making myself whole. But I can't. And I'm going crazy. 

I don't like this game. 

ever understand.

I always wonder. I have to. Do we really get it? Love? We try, and we get close, but I don't think we even scratch the surface. I've certainly heard of it.. I hear it every day. But it means something different than it should. It means something selfish to our world. It means heartbreak. It means pain and suffering through a storm just to catch a glimpse of sunlight. And then we feel lucky. But Jesus, it has to be more than that. I've felt it. From You. Love isn't a glimpse of light. It's the burn you get from reaching out and grabbing a handful of sun. Love is drowning happiness. It's the tears You shed, filling up our lungs, making it impossible to speak or even breathe. Love is catching a star on our way to heaven. The one that has our name on it. It's the ache we feel in our throat when we've sang for joy longer than we've been alive. The pounding in our chest that keeps the world turning on it's side when it's too tired to go on. Love is the twisting of our very lives, intertwining us with Your grace and mercy. The ability to hold the sky in our hands. It's the wind we can't quite capture, but makes us feel alive when it swirls through our senses, reminding us that though we are insignificant, we are the most important and treasured of all creations. Love is selfless. Love is an offering of hope, a peek at paradise. Love is Your blood. 

Love. Is. But Jesus, 

Will we ever understand?

hate this.

Good joke, God. You could have let me know sooner, I think. I don't see how it would have been hard to do that, or what I needed to learn from this though I'm sure you'll show me in time. Your time of course. I'm grateful that You closed the door so quickly though so no one really ended up getting hurt. Well, almost no one. This is going to be really hard, isn't it? But even when I don't want to, I'll follow You. 

I hope you know I hate this. 

help it.

I tried. It was easier in the beginning because I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was I going? Or was I staying? Either way, I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to ruin it. So it was easy to stay away, or at a distance at least. I even had help, if I can call it that. She doesn't like the idea forming in my head at all. She convinced me I was being reckless. For a while. But I can't ignore it any more. I tried. And now I can't help it. 

you are.

¹³ Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. ¹⁴ And do everything with love. 1 Corinthians 16.

Is this who you are? Is it who you will be? 

Be on guard. To give protection; keep watch; be watchful. To take precautions.

For what? From what? Be on our guard against...? Everything. I believe there's a reason this first sentence is so broad and general. Be on your guard. Period. Sounds exhausting. It's not easy, but it's the only way to survive. Guard everything you possess and everything you are. If you can name it, you must guard it. Guard your heart. Your mind. Your soul. Your innocence. Your ears. Your eyes. Your tongue. Your actions. Your thoughts. Be on guard. Don't let the wall down ever for a second. Because that's when the attack will strike. It's tough. And you'll want to quit. Don't. Always be on guard. 

Stand firm in the faith. Belief and trust in the unseen. Confidence in truth not based on facts. 

Truth. Unseen. Do not be swayed. Know what you believe in and preach it with every fiber in your being! Live in faith, walk in faith. Lead. By. Faith. That's where you meet God. You are not alone and you don't need to be afraid of what's coming next. You may not know that next step, but faith in the Lord will give you peace about your future. You will be confident that He has you in his arms. You will, without a doubt, make it through whatever this life and the evils of this world throw at you if you simply have faith that God loves you. Stand firm in that faith. 

Be courageous. Without fear. To act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

It's our job to run into the fire. Face our fears. Stand up for what we believe in and essentially ignore the people who try to tear us down. What are we afraid of anyway? What can this world do to us that our God can't save us from? What even is  there to be afraid of when we think like that? Are we afraid of rejection? So what. If we aren't willing to be ridiculed for our faith, then we're not willing to lead people to Jesus. Afraid of dying? Why? All that will happen in that case is a good  thing. Afraid to stand out? Afraid to go against the grain? Afraid we won't fit in? Selfish. My pastor recently said that we are born with two fears. The fear of falling, and the fear of loud noises. Have you gotten over those yet? Good. Now go out, share the word, and have courage. 

Be strong. Power of resisting force, strain, or wear. Unwavering. 

This is not talking about physical strength. No human can defeat the devil alone, no matter how physically strong he or she is. Our bodies are temporary. Only the strength from God can keep us alive after our bodies have gone. So be strong. Know the Lord. Keep Him in your pocket everywhere you go. Use Him in everything you do. He is your only weapon, your only hope. The power God has is infinite and He wants to share it with you! It would be extremely unwise to think we can do it on our own. How could we have so much faith in ourselves? We are nothing without the strength of God. So use it. Be strong. 

And do everything with love. 

No definition necessary. The world has a skewed view on love. We often confuse it with lust. We dismiss it as a feeling or affection towards another person. We portray it in a negative light by 'falling' in love.We discredit love by mixing it with our fear of loneliness. We use it to often and too loosely. I love your hair. I'm in love with this actor. We were sooo in love but then we broke up a week later. Do you not see a pattern here? It's clear to me that our world needs a refresher course in love. I promise it would be the shortest class in History. It would consist of one sentence, and one mental image. God is Love and Love is Jesus on the Cross. Do everything with love. Unselfish. Without limit. ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1Corinth. 13).

This is why we are called to a higher purpose than simply existing. This world is nothing without Love. Nothing without God. We can ignore it and we can pretend we don't need it anymore. We can convince even ourselves that we've found something better. Something easier. We'll replace love with passion and desire; with lust. We will wave it off as something only found in fairy tales. But what we need to understand is that when we know God, we're in that fairy tale! It exists and it's the most wonderful knowledge no one can take away from you when you feel God's love! There's no getting around it. 

Because love will last forever. And if God is love? Then God will last forever. With all of this in mind, is this who you are?

sweetest things.

These past two weeks have easily been the hardest, most monumentally moving two weeks of my life. There's something to be said about silence. It's underrated in my opinion. The world is so full of distractions, it's no wonder people are always saying they never hear God. That He must be ignoring us or somewhere else when we need Him. Think about it. When was the last time you sat in silence and sought after Him? Not just for a few seconds, but for an extended period of time? I didn't realize how completely rude I was being. I was expecting God to show up right when I asked for Him to speak. On my terms. I wasn't listening. These past two weeks I've given up music in my life.. which is a huge deal! I always have music playing. Always. But somehow God made it clear that if I wanted to speak with Him, I would need to rid my life of that distraction. I would need the silence. It wasn't easy.. It's still not easy. But never have I heard God speak like I have now. He talks to me every day. He helps me even with small decisions; what to say, who to talk to, where to turn off of a busy street, where my keys are, when it's time to wake up in the morning, and who needs a word of encouragement... God speaks! I never heard before because I simply wasn't listening. And this came from giving up one of my small distractions. Just one. Imagine of there weren't any at all! This world would be changed.. People would be changed. I would be changed. I'm contemplating releasing this worlds music hold on my life. Not to the extreme of banning it forever, but I don't want to lose the silence. I don't want these conversations with God to ever go away. 

Who knew that in all this deafening silence, I would hear the sweetest things?

don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Lost between what's right and what I want. Is it ever the same thing? I don't know. I've been saying that a lot lately. What are you doing after school? I don't know. Where do you want to get a job? I don't know. Why don't you try something new for a change? I don't know. When will you grow up? I don't know. Who are you?

I don't know. 

I'm stuck. I'm bored and I'm wasting time. And I think the worst part is that it's not even my time to waste. I'm putting my own personalized pause on God's plan for my life because I can't figure anything out. I want to do it all by myself. I want the credit, I want the control. But I don't want the responsibility. It's like I expect everything to be handed to me and that's the end. No one gets anything in return, that's just the way it works. I get what I want, and then I run with it. No thanks necessary. No skills necessary. 

No. Effort. Necessary. 

I'm waiting for something amazing to happen. I get frustrated when it doesn't. I yell out, 'God you're late! You didn't meet my deadlines! What am I supposed to do now?' when all I really need is the patience for God's timing that I don't have. I'm so busy looking for an answer when I haven't even listened to the question. How does that work? It doesn't. It can't. And I can't just accept the fact that I'm never going to know every detail. I'm not going to know why I need to make a certain decision. I don't know what I need. Only God knows that. I've been too focused on what I should do rather than what I can do. And that question I've been missing? God is asking; 'What do you want?'

I don't know. 

so displaced.

I'm angry today God. And I've been angry for a while. I don't understand this mess I've been in and I don't understand why it won't just go away. I don't understand why You can't make it go away. I know that there's a lesson to be learned from every situation, but in order for that to happen, the situation has to end first... Right? So why isn't it ENDING? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I feel loved and cherished the way I know You want me to? I feel like even though I'm trying to lean on You through all of this, it's still getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. With the people closest to me pushing me away and this looming decision to make that I know will change the course of my life forever, I feel like I should be making some progress somewhere. Nothing.

I should be able to deal with moving away from home. I should be able to handle being uprooted suddenly, without warning and without regard to my comfort level. I should be able to because life happens. And I have You. So why can't I get my tongue in check? Why can't I stop saying these hurtful things to my family? I don't have the right to dishonor them no matter how fast they're pushing me out. But I can't gain control of my emotions. I can't smile when my sister enters the room. I can't say 'welcome home' to my mother for these last few weeks when we both live here. I can't be patient with the rest of them because I know that no one is on my side. I don't have a side. I'm just disappearing and no one could be happier. Why is this happening, and why do I feel this way about it? Why can't I get over it already??

And Peru is so far away, yet so close. I need to make my decision. You told me You gave me the answer. If that's true, then why do I have such a heavy heart? I want to follow You. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be ready. But I'm not. And this upsets me. It upsets me most because I know I can do better. I know I could handle it, and I know that You'd never give me a task too big for me to take on. Yet I still feel the pull to stay home. Go to school, the desire I hope will never go away. Prepare myself for the life I know You have planned for me. But am I just procrastinating? Is Peru my first step in a long succession of missions for You? Or is it just an opportunity where the door could have just as easily been closed as open? I don't know what to choose, God. I don't know where to turn. If I'm not supposed to feel this way, please either shove me out or close the door. I'm sick of straddling the entryway, afraid to move. Afraid to take a step. In or out. I need your help to choose. 

All of this is happening and as mad and hurt as I am that I can't do anything about any of it, I can't help thinking that I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have You. If I couldn't talk to You and tell You about my fears, I would be lost without a light to turn to. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely lost. The difference is that YOU are my light that I can turn to when things go wrong. You are the hand I want to hold. You are the smile I want to see. You are the mood I want to be in, the song I want to sing, and the scent I want to wear every day. Jesus, it's becoming clear to me that even I'm not on my side. Only You are. Please, show me where You are so I can be with you. That's all I want. I'm searching and longing to find you. Reach out and pull me up. I don't understand how I became so displaced. 

hurt me.

Apparently, I think I'm something quite special. I treat people like trash and I like it. I lead men on until their hearts break and unfortunately for them, that was my intention the whole time. I don't respect you and I attack you every chance I get. I tear you down on your bad days and I can't find the time to talk on a good one. I always say the wrong thing and I'm never there when you need me. I can't be honest with you and honestly I'd prefer to keep it that way. I don't listen to the truth. I don't listen to what's real in life. Truth be really told, I don't listen to you. Period. I toy with your emotions, drag you along my joyride, and make your worst dreams come true. 

Apparently, I don't even treat my 'friends' with any sort of decency. I don't think they're worth it, so why should you be? You don't automatically get my respect. You can't even earn it. I'm that hard. I'm bitter, and I lie. I cheat and I always have a hidden agenda. What I say is never the whole truth. I'm only protecting my interests, since me is the only person I truly care about. I use you as a punching bag on my bad days as well as my good. I'm never nice. I never have been. Never will be. It's who I am and I don't care enough to change that. I'm rude and inconsiderate of your feelings. I say what's on my mind too often and that's not okay with you. 

Apparently, other people have feelings just like I do. What gives me the right to unintentionally hurt you?

a mess.

Going in reverse, I can see myself start to slowly unwind all that I've been building up. It started as a solid structure. Or at least nearly solid. But then something happened. I left the gate unlocked and the darkness came in. Piece by piece it's breaking apart revealing the small, sad creature inside. All the effort to seemingly repair the silent suffering is all being washed away by the constant and steady flow of inadequacy. I must have done it wrong, otherwise it wouldn't have been just a shell protecting the person I never wanted to be.

Was it just an act? Was everything I thought I had achieved just a wall I'd put up to hide what was really going on inside? Feels like it. Back to the same old tricks. A smile paired with a broken heart. The oh so familiar gimmick that says 'you're not good enough' every second of the day. A confidence drop in will as well as weight. The same waking nightmare that is reality come to steal me from myself. A slip so sudden, I forget what it felt like to be on higher ground. Better ground. 

How can something so perfect be so full of deceit where I didn't even realize I was faking it the whole time? Was I faking it? Is there hope or am I destined to feel this way forever? I thought I had it conquered. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had help and I thought I was going to make it out alive. How can something so real be so full of hot air where I didn't even realize I was the one stealing my own flames? 

God, I need You to help me fan the fire. I don't want to be lost. I want to find my focus. Don't let me lose sight of You. You're all I have. You're all I can have. You're all I need. I feel like I used to though, Lord. Like I need someone else to make me happy. Like I have a hole in my heart that needs filling. Like I can't make it on my own. I thought I was ready to let You make me happy. I thought I was ready to let You fill that void. I thought I was ready to let You help me make it. Just the two of us. I need Your strength inside me now more than ever. I'm afraid I won't get through this battle without losing a part of me I'm not so sure I know. Who is this girl who desperately wants Your love? Who is she to fall away from You and why should she deserve to be picked back up again? This girl who's will isn't strong enough even for the smallest temptations. This girl who can see the difference yet still lacks the power to choose the right. This girl who doesn't understand where things went so wrong. If I lose her, who will I be? Without her, what do I believe in anymore? How will I know who I want to be if she's not there to tell me who I'm not? You know my heart. You know my pain. You know my struggle. Please help me find Your way. Where did I get lost? What happened to me? Why am I such a mess? 

they say.

They can't make you happy. Maybe for the long run that's true. People are people, and people make mistakes. But boy can they make you smile. I'm blessed to have the most amazing friends. Friends that don't care when you haven't spoken for a week. Ehh it's okay you were busy! Friends who can read you like flashing neon sign. 'HELP WANTED' even when you say that you're okay. Friends who drive you nuts, but at the end of the day you still love them because you know they'll always love you. Good friends who have to same standards and principals and morals are hard to find. Even though I can count my good friends on one hand, I know they're there to be counted forever. Now that' security. There are only a few people in life that will never let you down and who will accept all the different sides of you. Hang on to those people. And when you hear, "people always leave"? Don't believe a word they say.  

grow up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still a little kid. In more ways than one, but specifically in Gods eyes. There is so much to be learned, so much to live through. There are things that I'll never understand, things I'll never have control over. I feel like there's so much to see and my little eyes won't ever be able to take it all in. This is the way it was intended. And most of the time, I can be content with the unknown. There's an innocence in a child that's so enticing. I want to be held and I want to be loved and I don't want to question. 

But then, sometimes I want to know everything. I want to be used. I don't want to sit back and be okay just there along for the ride. I want to be seen as an adult who can take everything that comes my way. I don't want to have my hand held every step of the way. I want to prove myself. I feel like there is so much I could do if I could just let go. I want to mature in Christ and I want to be an influence. I want to burst aflame with Jesus in my heart. I know I could make a difference. If I knew I could handle it.

Being the child is so much sweeter. But maturing with God is so much what I want and I don't know if its possible to do both. Can we be both his child and his warrior? Can we hold his hand as we move the world? Can we follow blindly when so many questions are being asked of us? Can we be held and yet, hold others? Is it enough to love and be loved? 

Being young in Christ has it's perks.. My faith has yet to be shaken. I haven't run out of steam, and everything is still new. My energy has just erupted from a volcano of unseen depths. My body isn't tired and my spirit isn't weak with trial. I have begun to experience what it feels like to bleed grace. In more ways than one, I'm still a child. Both versions are everything I am and everything I crave.

I know we are all children in His eyes, but sometimes I just want to grow up.

find me.

I've been having a hard time with myself lately. Who am I? Really? Not who do I want to be, or who have I been up to this point in the past... but right now. Who am I right now? If someone were to ask me that question in the next five seconds, I would have no clue how to answer. How do you answer that anyway? Who are you? I'm me. Just me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know me very well... obviously. Or it would be simple. I can describe anyone I care about down to the first time they discovered that little freckle on their ear, or the reason they can't tell their dad they love him. I could tell you that my best friend is the most amazing speller in the world. I could tell you that my sisters both have an addiction to laughter. I could tell you all of these things about all these people that I've observed and spent time getting to know, but I can't tell you why I'm me. 

I've been having a hard time looking into my own heart. Sometimes I think I don't want to because I'm afraid of what I'll find. Am I a jealous person? Do I frown more than I smile? Do I draw others to the Lord or do I drive them away? Did I make it all up or did it really happen? Do I secretly wish harm on others? Do I openly wish harm on others? Why does it take me so long to forget if I say I've forgiven? Why can't I figure out what I want to go to school for? How often do I lie? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why can't I just get out there and dance? 

I've been having a hard time opening up to God and letting him see me see myself. When I put the smallest fraction of all the questions buzzing around in my head daily down in a list, like those above, it's already overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine that God already knows all the answers to those questions and loves me anyway. And it got me thinking. How often does God have to wait for us to figure ourselves out before we realize that it's pointless? Who am I. I don't know. I'm me. Can I even describe who I am by what I do? Is it defined by what I say? Or maybe how I react? What if who I am by all possible answers to those questions isn't who I want to be?

What if I'm lost?

I need time to figure me out. I want to fix all the things I'm not proud of. And I know I can't do that alone. No one can do it alone. No one can do that even with the help of every friend in the world. Because your true friend is often the only friend we forget to ask. I forget to ask. 

Something really cool happened the other day when I was in a meeting at Starbucks with Cindy. I love Cindy. Not only does she encourage me when I think I've got it all together but she challenges me when I feel all hope is lost. That seems backwards, right? That's why I love her. She shows me what I can't see. She sees behind the stage and draws the curtains. At this particular meeting, I was talking about how I felt the need to pray like others pray. Go on and on and have all this insight and fluently explain not just who needs prayers but why, how and when they got stuck. I felt I needed to be loud and bubbly and pumped in my prayers and if I wasn't, I was doing it wrong and they'd have to re-do the prayer and.... and mid-sentence, she stopped me. 

Laurel, you're not loud or bubbly. You're quiet and straightforward. You get to the point, short and sweet. You use simple, honest language in your everyday speech. So why would God want you to be someone else for him? Why would He want to sit up there and look at you saying "Who is this girl talking to me right now? Certainly no one I know...?" You aren't praying for those other people to approve of your skills. You're talking to God and He's the only one listening. How do you talk to God when you're just being you?

Oh, well I don't know. Who am I when I'm being me? Do I even know how to be me?

I've also been thinking about a certain John Mayer song. He probably didn't mean for it to have any religious meaning at all, but he makes a good point. "Suppose I said I am on my best behavior. There are times I lose my worried mind. Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out when I'm someone else? And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you. Suppose I said you're my saving grace?" We all get lost. We all need help figuring out who we are. I might confuse myself with someone else at times but with a little help, I'll be just me again. I'll come around. I'll be exactly who I'm supposed to be. For You.

God, You are my saving grace.

I may not know exactly who I am right now, and I may not know how to get to be who I want to be. But along my journey I know I'm not alone. The amazing thing about this is even though I absolutely haven't done anything to deserve God's grace, He wants me. As I am. Proving myself worthy won't do anything for me. I'm the leech of this relationship. He gives me grace and love and peace and kindness and I give Him an "I don't know who I am." Still, that's okay. I want to please Him and I want to be useful in spreading His word, but I don't deserve to be wanted. Yet somehow, I am. Jesus wants me. 

Jesus wants you.

Dirty and lost. Confused and searching, He finds us and takes us under His arm. We're spoken for. Loved. As we are. Even if we don't know who that is, like I don't know who exactly I am, He knows; and He wants us. Even when I'm not myself. God wants me. That should be good enough. I can be patient as I'm found. I got lost. And I'll do it again. But as long as I'm alive, I know my God will come and find me. 

with dreaming.

I think we take dreams too lightly. Or at least, I do. I can't even find the words to describe how happy I am right now that God has the best sense of humor ever, so this is going to be very short. I don't want to give too much away either. Everything about this situation is perfect. There's no way it was a coincidence, because I asked God for clarification. He wouldn't have confused me like that, even if He did tease me afterward. And I'm content to wait for His timing. Because I know what I need to wait for. I must be pretty dense because now that I reflect on it, He tried to answer me many times, I just never noticed. I was too focused on finding the answer myself. So He bonked me on the head to show me. And the only way He could show me was with dreaming. 

Thank You.

every day.

This isn't you anymore.  Those aren't your thoughts and they don't have a hold over you anymore. You can ignore them, it's not going to win this time. You know better, and you are better. This doesn't control your life the way it used to. You have had healing and it's no longer a problem for you. You can beat this want and you will have victory. Because that isn't you anymore.

This is what I have to tell myself. Every day. And every day, I struggle. Myself has come to haunt me. It's even worse than it sounds. To not give in physically hurts. I get an adrenaline rush, my hands go shaky and my vision blurs. I forget to breathe. I think; I'll try to forget again.. Forgetting isn't going to kill me... But deep down I already know it has. Part of me died and I'll never get me back. And for the rest of my life, I have to fight to keep the rest of me alive. Keep me safe, whole, pure. 

This is when I hate that part of me that died all those years ago. I blame it, but I have no right to. It was my choice. I was damaged and I didn't seek help. So it was my choice. That's why I hate it. I should have been stronger. I should have spoken up. But I didn't. I was so young! So now I get to fight against it. Every day. And every day it gets harder. You'd think it'd get easier.. but no. Every day it pulls harder than before. It's desperate for attention. It knows just how to suck me in too, like it has so many times before. 

This isn't you anymore. You gave it to God. It's not your problem, you don't have to fight this alone. 

And this is when I learn to let go. This is when I couldn't love Jesus anymore. Because I can't do it alone. I wouldn't last a second. Only with His help do I stand a chance. Only because of Him do I have a chance. Jesus died on that cross to give me triumph over this sin that grabs at me. So that I would overcome it. And so that I would  never be alone. Never. How awesome is our God? The strength He gives me every day is the only reason I'm healed. 

It's hard, and it sucks because it's part of me. But I don't have to let it drag me down, and I don't have to give it any power in my life. Because I've been saved. For that, I thank Him. Every day. And every day, I have a new hope. Because I know He'll never leave my side and He'll be here fighting with me;

Every day. 

I am.

So in love with You. I know I'm safe. Protected and in Your arms, I'm free to be myself and I never have to worry about You leaving. You'll never leave me. You'll never try to make me something I'm not. Because I am perfect the way I am, You made sure I was. I feel completed now that I know You. It's true, You'll always be in my heart and in my soul. I could never do without You now that I know how wonderful Your love is. With You, I'm happy. You make me feel alive and I never want that to go away. I'm comforted by the security of Your embrace and I'll never let You go. You wipe my tears away on a bad day, You light up my smile on a good one. I'm on fire for You, clearly. And I know I'll never have to be alone. I know I'm going the right way when I have Your hand to hold. You will never lead me astray. When I'm with You, I can't do anything wrong. You have my best interests at heart, and my heart is Yours. You make me want to be the best version of myself and You are never disappointed by my mistakes. You take me back every time. I was broken before You found me, beat and let down.

I am cured when I'm by Your side. 

I love You. And the best part about this love is that I know You love me too. There's no guessing. You have always loved me, and You always will. You show me everyday. You find a way to tell me even when I'm not listening. I know you will take care of me. I will always be Yours to hold. A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I know I'll be alright. Because I'm in love with you. I am.

that's all.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to remember, 

please?

just go.

You go backwards. You go forwards. You go in the wrong direction. You go back to where you started from. You go through obstacles. You go through joy. You go in and out of 'love'. You go with your instincts. You go, and you go, and you go. It's hard. And it's good. The going can change in a split second, and it will most likely change when you least expect it. The important thing is that you go. 

What is it all for? I've had a really hard time being positive these last few days. They've been a constant downhill slope and I'm falling. And it's icy. And gravity increased. And I can't see the bottom! But down I go. Everything from school to home is bugging me, and I can't seem to just let my anger out. I end up venting about nothing because really, nothing is as bad as I'm making it. Pretty much, I sound like a broken record. "People in class this. People at work that. People driving slow in front of me, and they're so doing it on purpose!" Don't think I didn't try to get out of my funk. I've prayed to find a way out. I've read scriptures. I've changed clothes three times today! I listened to Coldplay. I breathe, deeply. I whine. And then I sulk. Nothing is working. I vent nothingness some more. So I'm in this totally bum mood, right? Bad idea. Tonight was 'el night the first one-o' of a new small group some friends and I are all creating. Yeah, not really feeling up to it. Plus, now i'm nervous. I mean, what if it totally bombs?? But I made a commitment. So I go. 

OH, EM, GEE. Why do I ever doubt you Jesus? 

There he is. Sitting in the corner, reading his science book. He was a little apprehensive about coming tonight, he doesn't believe in God. He's angry. He's mad at the church, but something You said to him made him come. I've been in a funk for two days.. He's been in a funk for two years. And yet, he's here. Willing to listen, curious about what we'll say. He used to live by You. He used to shine with Your love. He's been broken. He's seeking support and conversation. What he got was a shock. I invited him to come. I was on fire, I was in a good place when I asked him all those days ago. And he was intrigued. Something made him go. Something made me go. Something made me go in a bad mood. Get to the point? Ok. He thought he was going to be the only person there tonight that was struggling. He thought he'd get answers. He thought we would have them. Not only did I not have answers, but I wasn't the only other one having a rough day! Every single person came tonight with a problem. I've been stressed and frustrated. She's been pressured to be the best. He's just had his share of heartbreak. She's been discouraged by fellow church-goers. She's just about fed up with religion all together. We were all compelled to go tonight. We were a sour bunch. 

He noticed.

He related.

He trusted.

After we all admitted our struggles and how we're trying to cope, the most amazing thing happened. Simple. We encouraged each other. We shared all the good things God has done in our lives. We discussed books that tell of Gods miracles, speeches that moved us. We all wanted the same thing: A stronger relationship, a deeper love. And the one who didn't believe in God started remembering all the things he used to stand for. He opened up. Accepted our enthusiasm, brought his own to the table. This budding flower once inspired me to follow You, Lord. Have the tables turned? I saw fire in his eyes. I saw a hunger for more. I saw a transformation. You are with us when things go well, You are with us when we go off the rocker. As long as we keep trusting in You, we'll go. We go, and we go, and we go. It's hard. And it's good. The going can change in a split second, and it will most likely change when we least expect it. The important thing is that we just go. This was no coincidence. 

Oh goodness, Jesus, You knew. Didn't You? You knew he would never listen and put his guard down if we were like all the people who'd ever hurt him. You knew he had to be convinced that we weren't perfect. He never would have given You a second thought if he was right. But You made sure we all met him in his trial. He needed to know he wasn't alone. Hey... Wait a second... You purposely put me in a bad mood! That's awesome! He has no chance against you. You want him. You'll have him. This was a wonderful experience, I can't wait to watch everything progress. Oh and if he needs a little more reassurance next week, can we maybe pick something other than a bad mood?? Thanks. I love You and goodnight!

you asked.

And I couldn't answer. Because until you asked, I was okay. Until you admitted inadvertently that you were thinking of me, I was great. and until you flooded my heart all over again with your concern and all around amazing 'you-ness', I was phenomenal. Up until my night was interrupted with memories of you, I was lying. I couldn't answer. I didn't know if i was 'doing oky' anymore. This was your idea, and I agreed. I agreed to it because you wanted it. I never wanted to exit your life. And I sure didn't want you to leave me alone in mine. That means you broke your promise. For me to break the silence means I'm a stupid girl who can't get you out of her head. It means I don't like your plan. It means I'm not strong enough to keep my distance from you. It means I want to be near you too bad. For you to break it means you were wrong. And if you were going to be wrong, why break my heart in the first place? I both hope and fear it means you still care. I don't need to know that. Because it means i'm still there, in your head, in your prayers, in your life. Except I'm not. You didn't want me to be there. So am I doing okay? No. I'm not. After everything we tried,

I miss you. 

Still.

I pray that I'll find the words to respond to you tomorrow, but please don't be upset when you learn that I ignored you at first. You asked, and I couldn't answer. I didn't know anymore. Even after all this time and all my efforts to replace you and all my contradicting thoughts on how to remember you, I don't know if I'm okay yet. I wish I was. I've been asking God to take the love for you out of my heart if it's not part of His plan. For months I've been begging. But it never goes away. He never said, "Ok Laurel, you can have your heart back. It doesn't belong to him anymore. Keep it safe, for I have a gift for give you. Love, in return. I don't want you to miss out on it, so I'll make it whole again. He doesn't even get to keep one piece. It's all yours. I'll help you guard it this time. I'll tell you when the time is right to light it on fire. Because you deserve it all." I'm still waiting for that to happen. I want it to happen. I want to be freed of you. I want to be able to look back and remember what good times we had together without wishing it never ended. I want to be able to start over, to get it right. to let the fire blaze. But I never got my heart back. I have been discouraged. The fire I lit with you has been slowly dying, and I cannot tend to it to make it glow. You don't want it to. 'Leave no trails.' But now I'm following a trail. You left it when you asked. I found that you still have it. I found that even now, 

I love you.

Still.

I wanted to tell you that I'm okay, but I'm not. I shouldn't have to tell you. I feel like you should already know. But then again,

you asked. 

thank you.

For saying something. God is amazing! And funny! Story time.

Side note: I'm a jealous person. I'm prideful and I'm greedy. Ok go.

All day I've been pumped up because of something a new acquaintance said to me this morning. What she said was an answered prayer. Yes! Finally! Thank you God for showing me that I'm not here for nothing! I wanted to know that You were using me. I wanted to make sure You were.. But I actually just found out that I just wanted to feel important. I'm so happy that something God said through me helped someone else come back to Him, but after I thought about it for a while, it started going to my head. I literally blew up like a balloon. Now, had I written about it this morning when it happened, this blog would be quite different. As it turns out, I didn't have time. I don't think that was an accident. Throughout the day, I started craving feedback. I wanted someone else to tell me how much I'd helped them. I wanted someone else to read me and say that I'm special. I'm such a goob. God knew that would happen too. He made sure it did. Right before I started writing, well, I couldn't. My mind was a blank. I had no inspiration even though 'the coolest thing just happened!' And where does Laurel get inspiration? The Bible. So I started reading my daily Proverbs, ch. 12. Nothing. Read it again. Nothing. I wasn't paying attention. My mind was being pulled elsewhere. Chapter three, chapter three, chapter three... OK I'LL READ CHAPTER THREE! Oh.

3:7 - Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. 

Got it. Sorry God... ummm.... You're right. I'm being selfish. You didn't do this so I could boast about it and congratulate myself. I shouldn't want the fame. It's not important that more people read my blog. It's only important that I keep writing what You put in my heart. To glorify You and the way You're changing my life. All that I do is from You, and it should all be for You too. Not for me, not for them. For You. So, thank You for letting me make a fool out of myself. We both know I learn by trial and error. I'm thankful that my words inspired someone else to return to You, but I realize now that I didn't actually do anything. Thank You for showing me that You're using me, but also that I'm not strong enough to not let it go to my head. Lesson definitely learned. You can stop laughing now. Amen. 

it wasn't.

The more I reflect, the more I'm convinced that I wasn't ready. I wanted it, I thought I needed it. I was so consumed that I refused to see what I was really doing to myself. What I was really doing to you. I thought I was in love. Actually, I knew I was. There was no way anyone could have told me otherwise. I was blind to any objections, any instructions, even advice. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it right then. I was impatient and I was reckless. Just like you said. I was being irresponsible with my own heart as well as yours. I thought I had it all figured out. I had it under control... I used you is what happened. I wasn't strong in my faith and you were, and I tested it. I was selfish and I was greedy. I wanted all the joy and completion that comes with love but I was underprepared, even unwilling to give you the same. I was afraid to let you in, and I lied to you to hide from my sins. I rushed into your heart with a disregard for your feelings and I regret to say that I cared more about 'me with you', rather than just you like I should have. It was not my intention to hurt you, but I fear I did anyway. 

Promise me... not to awaken love until the time is right." (Song of Songs)

I had it in my head that you were it. Maybe it is you.. I guess i won't know until I reach the end. But when it came to being the right time, for us or for me at all, it wasn't. And I'm sorry.

right time.

Song of Songs. I was wandering the pages of the Bible after I finished my reading of Proverbs for the night and that particular book caught my eye. I'd read parts of it before but never to study it or take in its true meaning. So I began, slowly, to breathe it all in. The more I read, the more confused I became. I'm not sure who these people were, whether they were married, how long they'd known each other, what the fascination with lilies was all about, or how eyes could be like doves. But most of all, how could he leave her like that? 

6:5- "I jumped up to open the door for my love, and my hands dripped with perfume. My fingers dripped with lovely myrrh as I pulled back the bolt. 6 I opened to my lover but he was gone! My heart sank. I searched for him but could not find him anywhere. I called to him but there was no reply. 7 The night watchmen found me as they made their rounds. They beat and bruised me and stripped off my veil, those watchmen on the walls."

She goes on to ask the help of other young women to find him. She begs them to tell him that she is weak with love. She describes her passion for him and why he is better than all others. And when he is found, he's browsing in his gardens; among the lillies. All is forgiven. Then it's his turn. He comments on her every feature, praises her beauty, and they re-fall in love all over again. All of this and nothing is resolved. And to be honest, only their looks are mentioned. How flawless her smile is. How his eyes are set like jewels. What is that? Where's the relationship part? Why is it that every time they get close, something terrible happens? Then you get it.

Maybe it wasn't the right time. 

The reason they kept missing each other. The reason they were constantly trying to get the other to come away with them without success. The reason it never quite worked out the way they wanted it to. It wasn't Gods time. These two young people were trying to make love theirs when they should have been making their love Gods. To seek Him with every move. To ask for His blessing. And to be patient. Not rush into things like they did. God has a plan for you. If we get it in our heads that we can somehow change that or bend His will to our liking then we are seriously mistaken. Like the two young lovers in the story found over and over again, He will find a way to mess up our plans to make way for His. God wants us to be happy. He knows how to make us happy. He created us! To think that we know better than Him in that department is completely ridiculous. If we learn to seek him in all we do and ask His blessing on our hearts desires and learn to be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing; our lives will become complete. He knows the formula to our happiness. And if we give everything we are up to Him, He will give us the world. When that happens, it will be the right time.