doing nothing.

It's always been hard for me to let go and give it all up to God, and lately I've been feeling like He's teasing me. Just to humble me. 

Here laurel, I have something for you. Now go ahead and show Me your plans for the gift and as soon as you have it all figured out I'm going to pull the rug out from under your feet just at the right time so that you don't get hurt. Eventually you'll get the idea that every thing is My doing. But until then, I'm going to build your trust in Me. Forcing you to see that I have it covered. Nothing will get past me, good or bad. Just remember that I love you. Oh, and here's another. So show Me your plans for this one...

It's like a big joke and He's just waiting for me to give up. I'm just waiting for me to give up. I keep telling myself that it would be so much better just to submit to Him and stop trying to control my own life. As soon as I can do that, I'll be able to live my life the way He wants me to. I'm only setting myself back. I keep thinking that I can take little pieces and manipulate them to be the way I want them. It's actually pretty funny. I'm starting to look forward to the next rug pulling. Because I want to get to that last one. The one where everything becomes clear. The one that proves I've been doing it wrong all along. The one that starts the first day of the rest of my life. So ha! Bring it on. I'm ready to start doing nothing. Not ignoring Your initial set up of course, but removing my own desires from the equation. By doing nothing, I'll be more open to Your suggestion.

So show Me your plans for this one...

not today.

It's a little bit off. I feel a little bit off. I'm not sad but everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. I'm not happy but I keep catching myself grinning at nothing at all. I feel heavy. And I feel spaced. I'm energetic enough to run a marathon, but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. And the best part? I'm going back and forth. I have two to think about. One option is to wait, the other is to go ahead and be reckless. So what do I do? With waiting, I don't know if what i'm waiting for will ever happen. "Leave no trails." I can't be sure that my waiting will produce anything but wasted time. And with being wreckless, aren't I supposed to be guarding my heart? The love is already there. It always has been. But is it what I want or is it just that it wants me at all? There are so many positives and negatives to each side of the list. He's what I want but he doesn't want me. He wants me but he's not ready to be what I want. Where does that leave me? Alone is where. Maybe that's the answer. To not have one. No waiting, no rushing. Just being. Eventually God will reveal what my heart desires, because right now it's playing hide and seek. Ha ha you don't get to know yet. When you find me maybe I'll let you see. But until that day, enjoy being a mess. Because that day definitly is not today.

not really.

I wish this would come out the way I want it to. But the more I try to write it out, the more lost with myself I become. And if I'm lost in my own head, how can I expect anyone else to follow along? I don't need him. I want him. But I want him to be a version of himself I've only seen a few times. Someone I know he'd be good at. Someone who he'd be proud of, but I want him to want it for himself. So how does one go about showing someone how amazing they could be without insulting the person they put on every day? How do I say, "hey you could be so much better if you tried" without saying it? I know he's in there. I'm trying to encourage him subtly, but sometimes I feel like i'm not even getting the messages I'm trying to send him. So subtle! He's already made so much progress, he's so close but I can feel him slipping away. I don't want the slipping away version. I've had that one before and he's no fun. That one's kinda grumpy, 24-7. So this is where I lose myself. It seems like I want the best him for me. Like he should do it for me, not him, even though everyone knows that never works. I want him the way I want him and I don't want him if he's not that person. But what if he doesn't want to be that person? Not just for me either, but for him? What if he's content being a lesser version than what he's capable of? What if I can't make him see it? What if he doesn't care? I can't decide if I'm a selfish person or if I'm actually doing something good for him. Me and him. Him for him and me. Why do I need to be in the picture? I want to help him but what if that line blurs from the "I'll be there for you" to "only if you're in it for me, otherwise, not really"? I know who he could be, and I love him for that. That him is everything I want. That him is perfect. But what if he's not really in to being perfect? What if he was only pretending and that's not really who he is? What if I fell in love with some one who's not really there? Is it wrong to want that person back? Or not really?

nearly four.

It's late at night and I can't help wondering if this is how I want me to be. I wish that sometimes I could fly or disappear, then come back home a new and perfect person. There wouldn't be a reason to not let go. It's coming out so wrong I might have to start all over again and tell you all I never said. I'd be the best at being brave. But tonight I'll sit and think of words that never come when I need them most. I'll write them down and curse the day I'll never get to say them. Pretend I'm there. Come find me when I'm missing. And pretend I'm there when you're alone. I'll pretend I'm not scared, you'll never know the diffenerce, but believe me when I say that I'm alright. Cause I'll say that I'm alright. And now it's nearly four, the morning coudn't be more infectious than this cureless disease of hope and failing disbelief. Why can't I sleep? I'll dream of you and when I wake up I will wish I'd never fallen so far.. But I fell so far in love.. And I'll never get to say it.

the same.

As much as I wish it could be, it won't. Too much has happened. I tried to pretend like it didn't matter, but I couldn't do that very well. I tried to get over it as fast as it happened but sometimes the consequences are a little more affecting than the act itself. So that didn't work out too well either. I hate feeling like this. Like everything I've ever known wasn't real. I tell myself that I'm ready, but maybe I'm not. I want to be ready for everything, but I think in reality I'd rather just run away and start over somewhere else where no one knows who I am or who I've been. Being me is too hard to explain.. Especially since I'm still trying to figure out who that is. I know who I want to be, but that isn't always the best plan. Having a plan at all is kinda silly.. Because I'm not in charge here. If I was, all of this wouldn't have happened. I'd still be your best friend. He'd have been a better parent. She'd learn to forgive me for everything I never did. And you'd still love me. None of that was in my plan. But it happened. I wish it could all be the same. But it never will be. It will never go back. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not. If it stayed, I'd be different. I don't mind the changes I've gone through, I just wanted it to happen without all the hard stuff. Then, that's nearly impossible. Where would the change come from if life was exactly the way you wanted it to be? How else do you grow into the person you were meant to be? And who would I be now if I was the same?

impatiently yours.

Do you ever want to fall apart? Just to get it over with I mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. Sometimes I catch myself looking forward to it. Because as soon as it happens, I'll be able to look ahead and see nothing but greatness shining out from the dark place I'm in. I'll know, at rock bottom, that nothing will get any worse and I only have good times ahead of me. I want the worst to come so I'll stop expecting it. I want life to be a mess. I want everything to go wrong. I want a slap in the face... And I want it to be hard. I want to be able to pull out of it and I want to learn from it. I feel like i'm climbing this hill and it's getting harder to breathe from the lack of oxygen, darker from the lack of sun, but I still don't know what's on the other side. When will I be enveloped in confusion? In complete mayhem, utter chaos? It's getting darker, but when will I not be able to see my own hand in front of my face? I just want to have a breakdown and get it over with so I can say I survived. I want a story and I want to be through this gray period of just being. I want to get to a better place and the only way I see that happening is if I get to a worse place first. I want something to go wrong so I can finally see what my problem has been all along. Basically, I want what I want and I want it right now. Some people may say that's selfish or that I need to let things naturally run it's course. But why? Why should I wait for something to happen all on its own if I know it's coming? Why can't I help it along? I'm not saying I'm gonna try and put myself in dangerous or stupid situations... But if I pray for a resolution to all this bleakness, isn't that the same thing? Open my eyes Lord, show me where I need to be. And if I need to make some more mistakes along the way, then so be it. Bring them on. I'm not afraid to live and I'm not afraid to mess up. I just want to get there. I'm very impatiently waiting.