not today.

It's a little bit off. I feel a little bit off. I'm not sad but everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. I'm not happy but I keep catching myself grinning at nothing at all. I feel heavy. And I feel spaced. I'm energetic enough to run a marathon, but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. And the best part? I'm going back and forth. I have two to think about. One option is to wait, the other is to go ahead and be reckless. So what do I do? With waiting, I don't know if what i'm waiting for will ever happen. "Leave no trails." I can't be sure that my waiting will produce anything but wasted time. And with being wreckless, aren't I supposed to be guarding my heart? The love is already there. It always has been. But is it what I want or is it just that it wants me at all? There are so many positives and negatives to each side of the list. He's what I want but he doesn't want me. He wants me but he's not ready to be what I want. Where does that leave me? Alone is where. Maybe that's the answer. To not have one. No waiting, no rushing. Just being. Eventually God will reveal what my heart desires, because right now it's playing hide and seek. Ha ha you don't get to know yet. When you find me maybe I'll let you see. But until that day, enjoy being a mess. Because that day definitly is not today.