grow up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still a little kid. In more ways than one, but specifically in Gods eyes. There is so much to be learned, so much to live through. There are things that I'll never understand, things I'll never have control over. I feel like there's so much to see and my little eyes won't ever be able to take it all in. This is the way it was intended. And most of the time, I can be content with the unknown. There's an innocence in a child that's so enticing. I want to be held and I want to be loved and I don't want to question. 

But then, sometimes I want to know everything. I want to be used. I don't want to sit back and be okay just there along for the ride. I want to be seen as an adult who can take everything that comes my way. I don't want to have my hand held every step of the way. I want to prove myself. I feel like there is so much I could do if I could just let go. I want to mature in Christ and I want to be an influence. I want to burst aflame with Jesus in my heart. I know I could make a difference. If I knew I could handle it.

Being the child is so much sweeter. But maturing with God is so much what I want and I don't know if its possible to do both. Can we be both his child and his warrior? Can we hold his hand as we move the world? Can we follow blindly when so many questions are being asked of us? Can we be held and yet, hold others? Is it enough to love and be loved? 

Being young in Christ has it's perks.. My faith has yet to be shaken. I haven't run out of steam, and everything is still new. My energy has just erupted from a volcano of unseen depths. My body isn't tired and my spirit isn't weak with trial. I have begun to experience what it feels like to bleed grace. In more ways than one, I'm still a child. Both versions are everything I am and everything I crave.

I know we are all children in His eyes, but sometimes I just want to grow up.