Dear Jesus,

I need you. I won't live this life on my own. I've been so lost without you and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize just how much I love you. Even longer to realize how much you love me. I'm so grateful that you took the time to mold me, had patience to wait for me to come to you, and cared enough to hold my hand when I needed you most. I want the real thing. I want to know I'm wanted. I want to shine with your love. I want to be used by you. I want to have a purpose in this life. I want you to be proud of me. I want your forgiveness when I know it's already mine. I want it all, and I'm not afraid to ask anymore. I know you can hear me. I know you care. I know you'll listen when I say I mean it. I know you love me now. And i just wanted to let you know, I love you too.

just sure.

Don't you hate being insecure? It sucks. Why can't we all just accept each other for our differences and let it go at that? Why are we always second guessing ourselves? Maybe it's just bad for me. See? Lame... I always have to think about what I'm going to say before I say it just to be sure I won't sound stupid or so I'll fit in. I just want to be me. Why can't I let myself do that? Plenty of people don't have to hold back.. And they're just fine right? Why can't I do that? It's hard to please everyone. And eventually, I'll lose myself and end up being an empty void with a plastic smile stretched across my face waiting for someone to realize that I'm crying underneath it all. I don't want to end up like that. I just want to be crazy and wacky and not care who thinks I'm a dork.. Because I'll tell you right now. I'm just sure that's exactly what they'll think. Because it's true. I don't want to care but I do. And that's the worst part. I can't help it.

rather be.

So, my mother got married last weekend. I could never explain how happy I am for her! To see her glowing at every second of every day is such a blessing and I couldn't be more thankful to God that she gets a second chance at love. Since the wedding, they've obviously been on their honeymoon but when they came back last night something pretty comical happened... It was late and everyone who was home was about to go to bed. So my new step-father, whom would like us to call him 'pop' (totally joking of course..), started complaining that he had to drive all the way home. "OH WAIT A MINUTE!!!" Weird, but "goodnight" as he goes upstairs to HIS bedroom now. It's funny how things turn out. You never expect that your parents will divorce. But then when they do and you get your mom to yourself for all those years, it's almost a relief to see her married again. Even if it is the oddest concept; being present at her wedding. It's almost unnatural, until you see her cry up at the alter and you know there's no other place you'd rather be.

didn't hurt.

Ever noticed how hard that is? Just to breathe when everything hurts? It amazes me sometimes that we make it out. You make a mistake, beat yourself up over it, cry your eyes out, and suddenly it's over. Good or bad, it goes away. Right now I'm in that in-between stage. Right around the crying your eyes out part. I'm just waiting for my breathing to become regular again. I'm waiting for the guilt and anxiety to disappear. To be quite honest, it wasn't a big mistake either. The worst part about it was that it was my own rule that I broke. And I can't forgive myself. I didn't break it alone, but even that doesn't make it feel any better. Breaking that promise to myself sent reality crashing into the side of my head and there's no way I can ignore it any longer. You think you know someone when really, you only know them the way you want to.. Right? It's worse when that someone you know is you. After you see a piece of yourself that you never acknowledged before, you have to make a decision. Accept it and move on, or make a change. And what if you don't want it to be who you are, but at the same time you don't want it to change? What if you want to be the person you are even if it's wrong? Like when you know you shouldn't be doing something and you know it will get you in trouble and you promised yourself this time would be different and you wouldn't let it affect you the way it used to... But then when it happens, you can't make yourself stop. And you realize that all the time you spent trying to be better wasn't as wonderful as those few moments of giving in. That's when it starts. Air turns to water in your lungs, and you're choking. And every memory makes you wish you didn't like it that much. Your tears become acid in your eyes and no matter what you tell yourself, you can't stop them from burning holes in everything they touch. Even though he tells you it wasn't your fault, the guilt has already set in. You can't think about it without shivering. You can't talk about it because the words turn to ash in your mouth. And while you wait for him, you forget to breathe. Unconscious or not, you know that first breath will stab into your lungs like liquid fire so you simply refuse. You try to remember what it felt like when it didn't hurt.

I wanted to talk to you, but now I wish you hadn't called.