charity case.

No, that's not exactly what it is, but it kinda feels that way. I don't want to feel like just my family isn't good enough. This is the first year I belong to a whole family since my dad left us and the first idea they have for the holidays is to go spend it with strangers so we won't feel alone? I love being alone with my family. I realize it must be hard for my mom to go from my dads huge family gatherings to nothing... But we have each other now. I want that to be enough. I don't want to go to someone else's family gathering in order to make us feel more important. That's when it feels like a charity case. It's like.. Oh that poor family doesn't have anywhere to go for the holidays. Let's invite them over so they don't feel left out of anything. We'll try to make them feel part of something special. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought immensely. But I'd rather feel special by being surrounded by the people I love than people I barely know. And technically, I'm an adult. I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I could go spent the day with my dad even though legally, it's my moms year for the 'kids'. But that's the thing. I'm not a 'kid' anymore. I guess this is what they mean when they say they don't want to be alone on the holidays. If I still had you, I could skip all this awkwardness. I could be your family. We could do this together, make the rounds. I could meet every family member you ever had and you could tell me that I'll never have to choose between families again or where to spend christmas because as long as I have you, I'm home. But that's not the case anymore. I just want to be with people I love. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. Even if I'm all they have.

Because you're good enough for me. You're all I want.

about time.

I'm over it, this whole fake thing. It's wearing me down and I'm at the point where I actually want to scream and have someone hear me, have someone care. I'm done pretending like everything is happy and sunshine and marshmallows in your cocoa. Because people suck. I truly like only four of all the friends I've acquired over the years. First of all, thats not fair to the rest of them because I'm not being truthful. Second, that's not fair to me because I deserve to have people around me that I can trust. People that I can be real with. And lastly, it's completely lame. I want to be Laurel.

It's about time I started.

my pocket.

One thing I'm going against my will on... Is becoming easier to do. What I want isn't what I get. It isn't fun, and I'm tempted at times to take it back. Do-over please, I didn't mean it. But having it dissipate this quickly can only prove that it was the right choice.. To give it up. I never want it to go away, but I don't feel the need to keep it on the back burner. I was ready to wait forever. I was willing to self-sacrifice the matter and bravely lift my chin to the heartache. I wanted to keep you in my pocket. Or rather, hide in yours.

This can only get easier... But don't think for a second that I don't miss you. We will see each other again.

sometimes happen.

What is to be, will be. And what isn't to be, will sometimes happen. When does it become clear as to which is which? In an uncontrollable circumstance; supposed to, not supposed to. In a decision only possible to be made by yourself; right, wrong. In a simple question; yes, no. And when will you be sure you know how to let one slide? You're so sure it's not meant to go one way, but you're out of practice and you're not sure how to change it. What if you change something that wasn't wrong? What if it was supposed to feel so out of place in order for miracle to shine through? How do you admit defeat and let it? You doubt the plan and you try to fix something that isn't broken. I try to fix it. What if that's the point? Every time I doubt my future or where I'm supposed to be or even who I'm supposed to be, I have a choice to make. Do I sit down with my personal timeline and map it out all on my own or do I trust that wherever I'm supposed to be, He'll get me there? Faith. I almost wanna say it sucks. It's my nature to want to control things I don't understand. I don't understand me, and I have no control over that. I am who I'm supposed to be. Now all I have left to do is make myself as open and available as possible so that I can be used for the reason I was created. That means I don't get to see the game plan. Because if I see it... My plans for me will interfere with the predestined. I know I'm impatient. I want to get to that place I'm meant for right now. I want to be healed and I want to be let in on the secret. It's getting harder to let go of my wants and fears and just accept that I'll be ok in the end. I want the end right now. But I have a choice every time I doubt I'm in the right place.. Or the right time to move.. Or the right thing to say to make something go in a specific direction. I can choose to think it's all up to me and believe I have the power to change my path. I can choose to 'know' what's best for me. I can choose to turn my back on the one who loved me before I was made. Or, I can choose to blind fold myself, tie my hands behind my back and step off the ledge. To trust Him. One of those choices is easy. But it gives me false hope and sets me back- me and my impatient self. The other is much more frightening. But much more worth the rewards. I trust him, my faith grows, I share my story, I get eternal happiness. He knows my future. He planned it just for me and He knows I'll love it. Getting there is the scary part. But who would choose against it? He planned this time for me. I want to use it. I want the most out of it and I'm ready to take the leap. Forgive me if I cry a lot these next few months.. Ehh... Slash years. I'm scared but I won't let that get in the way. I will push through it. And He will meet me at the end. Even if the things I don't want to happen, sometimes happen.

you win.

Because I was wrong. I though you were better than them. Truth is, nobody is better than anyone else.

Everyone lies.

Everyone cheats.

Everybody plays those games.

And everybody leaves.