be adored.

It's weird when your world gets shaken. Wake up calls are almost surreal. Life as you know it alters when you have a really good epiphany. And sometimes, all it takes is a single smile. 

I was ready to wait. For how long? I don't know. However long it took I suppose. I've been out of it for so long, it didn't feel much different. Wait for this, wait for that, wait till I'm ready, wait till you're ready. It all seemed the same. I didn't think I wasn't getting everything I wanted. It never occurred to me. I forgot what it felt like to be sought after. To be pursued. It took a smile for me to realize that I don't have to settle and wait for happiness. It took a smile for me to remember what I've been holding out for all this time. 

I just want to be adored. 

And I think I've been getting it wrong. All I can think about is reading Hosea. My idea of love has been skewed by the world. I want to be adored, but I'll never know how to handle it if I don't first let Jesus be the one to pursue me. He's the only one who can do it right. He's the only one who knows how. If I get to the point where I'm able to recognize God's passion for me, I'll eventually be able to recognize when he places that love in the man meant just for me. But I have to know what I'm looking for. I need to let Him in. I need to be vulnerable. And I don't think I'm the only one. This goes for everyone. God is waiting for you to let Him adore you. It's all He wants. So let go. 

And be adored. 

right thing.

It's a strange feeling to watch your prayers being answered. People always say you need to be careful what you pray for, and it's completely true! I asked God for a level head. The courage to say what needed to be said, and the will to leave my heart out of it. Sentence by sentence I felt His master plan unfold. I was more brave than I've ever been, I said things I didn't want to say, and I meant it. Keep your head above your heart. It will take you where you need to go. And it hurts. Be careful what you pray for. God will make sure, if it's in your best interest, that it happens. 

And though it hurts, I can't help but feel relieved. It's out in the open. It may not have gone the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going this way. So I'm at least not shocked. I feel like I can breathe again. Let go. Be me. Stop guessing. It was the tears that found my eyes before I reached the top of the stairs that told me I did the right thing.

he was.

I had another dream about it last night. Never a face, just a feeling. A certain familiarity. A specific disgust with him, and myself. I hate feeling dirty. But there it is. And if I try to ignore it, it creeps into my subconscious. Dreams are supposed to be sweet. They're not supposed to force you to re-visit your living nightmares. Every time it's the same too. It starts out completely innocent. This time, I was playing out in the yard with Kara on a summer day. Throwing water balloons and splashing in a pool. Laughing. Then the storm clouds come rolling in, and I can smell the sweat on his chest. He smiles and hides around a corner, waiting. And I'm alone. It's dark, cold, and frightening. I run and run but I never get anywhere. I yell and scream till my throat is hoarse but no sound escapes. I look to whoever I see for help, but no one knows what I'm asking for. No one can hear me. No one cares. They don't get it. So they look away. And he closes in. I fight him off at first, and I'm almost successful. But he wins every time. It always ends this way. I'm taken. Crying and thrashing about, but he's stronger. And I still don't know who he is. 

Who he was. 

my prayer.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now. We both know this is the feeling that destroys me. I can usually figure out what's causing it, but not this time. I have multiple guesses, but none really seem to make sense. And it feels like this has been coming for a while now. Otherwise, it wouldn't have all happened at the same time. It's like each small thing I'm worried about has all come out in the open. Maybe I've ignored them for too long and it's just not possible to keep it all inside anymore.. I really don't know. They just seem like such insignificant problems. They don't seem like the type of things that do any real harm. But here I am tonight, God, after spending time with good friends and laughing all night, feeling completely alone. Not physically. But emotionally. I feel like I have no where to turn, yet everything to turn away from. I feel susceptible to doubt and self criticism, I feel like every word spoken is aimed to hurt me. I feel like everything I know to be true is just a curtain hiding something bigger. I think I've worn myself down. My walls are falling and the enemy is drawing near. That's the only explanation I can think of. Because these feelings could never be from You. 

And on top of all that, I feel a rebellious streak coming on. All I want to do are the things I know won't help me in the slightest. I want to do all the things I never did before, to spite myself in a way. I want to be reckless and insensitive. I want to say what I think and do whatever pleases me at the moment. I want to be selfish. The only think keeping me from doing these things is You. I want You to smile when You see me. I want to be Your little girl. I don't want You to see me go off the deep end. But here I am, standing at the edge, ready to jump. Save me. 

Save me, Jesus. From myself, from my insecurities, my doubt, my failings. Save me so I can move past this and live for You. This is my prayer.