doing nothing.

It's always been hard for me to let go and give it all up to God, and lately I've been feeling like He's teasing me. Just to humble me. 

Here laurel, I have something for you. Now go ahead and show Me your plans for the gift and as soon as you have it all figured out I'm going to pull the rug out from under your feet just at the right time so that you don't get hurt. Eventually you'll get the idea that every thing is My doing. But until then, I'm going to build your trust in Me. Forcing you to see that I have it covered. Nothing will get past me, good or bad. Just remember that I love you. Oh, and here's another. So show Me your plans for this one...

It's like a big joke and He's just waiting for me to give up. I'm just waiting for me to give up. I keep telling myself that it would be so much better just to submit to Him and stop trying to control my own life. As soon as I can do that, I'll be able to live my life the way He wants me to. I'm only setting myself back. I keep thinking that I can take little pieces and manipulate them to be the way I want them. It's actually pretty funny. I'm starting to look forward to the next rug pulling. Because I want to get to that last one. The one where everything becomes clear. The one that proves I've been doing it wrong all along. The one that starts the first day of the rest of my life. So ha! Bring it on. I'm ready to start doing nothing. Not ignoring Your initial set up of course, but removing my own desires from the equation. By doing nothing, I'll be more open to Your suggestion.

So show Me your plans for this one...

not today.

It's a little bit off. I feel a little bit off. I'm not sad but everything seems to bring tears to my eyes. I'm not happy but I keep catching myself grinning at nothing at all. I feel heavy. And I feel spaced. I'm energetic enough to run a marathon, but I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. And the best part? I'm going back and forth. I have two to think about. One option is to wait, the other is to go ahead and be reckless. So what do I do? With waiting, I don't know if what i'm waiting for will ever happen. "Leave no trails." I can't be sure that my waiting will produce anything but wasted time. And with being wreckless, aren't I supposed to be guarding my heart? The love is already there. It always has been. But is it what I want or is it just that it wants me at all? There are so many positives and negatives to each side of the list. He's what I want but he doesn't want me. He wants me but he's not ready to be what I want. Where does that leave me? Alone is where. Maybe that's the answer. To not have one. No waiting, no rushing. Just being. Eventually God will reveal what my heart desires, because right now it's playing hide and seek. Ha ha you don't get to know yet. When you find me maybe I'll let you see. But until that day, enjoy being a mess. Because that day definitly is not today.

not really.

I wish this would come out the way I want it to. But the more I try to write it out, the more lost with myself I become. And if I'm lost in my own head, how can I expect anyone else to follow along? I don't need him. I want him. But I want him to be a version of himself I've only seen a few times. Someone I know he'd be good at. Someone who he'd be proud of, but I want him to want it for himself. So how does one go about showing someone how amazing they could be without insulting the person they put on every day? How do I say, "hey you could be so much better if you tried" without saying it? I know he's in there. I'm trying to encourage him subtly, but sometimes I feel like i'm not even getting the messages I'm trying to send him. So subtle! He's already made so much progress, he's so close but I can feel him slipping away. I don't want the slipping away version. I've had that one before and he's no fun. That one's kinda grumpy, 24-7. So this is where I lose myself. It seems like I want the best him for me. Like he should do it for me, not him, even though everyone knows that never works. I want him the way I want him and I don't want him if he's not that person. But what if he doesn't want to be that person? Not just for me either, but for him? What if he's content being a lesser version than what he's capable of? What if I can't make him see it? What if he doesn't care? I can't decide if I'm a selfish person or if I'm actually doing something good for him. Me and him. Him for him and me. Why do I need to be in the picture? I want to help him but what if that line blurs from the "I'll be there for you" to "only if you're in it for me, otherwise, not really"? I know who he could be, and I love him for that. That him is everything I want. That him is perfect. But what if he's not really in to being perfect? What if he was only pretending and that's not really who he is? What if I fell in love with some one who's not really there? Is it wrong to want that person back? Or not really?

nearly four.

It's late at night and I can't help wondering if this is how I want me to be. I wish that sometimes I could fly or disappear, then come back home a new and perfect person. There wouldn't be a reason to not let go. It's coming out so wrong I might have to start all over again and tell you all I never said. I'd be the best at being brave. But tonight I'll sit and think of words that never come when I need them most. I'll write them down and curse the day I'll never get to say them. Pretend I'm there. Come find me when I'm missing. And pretend I'm there when you're alone. I'll pretend I'm not scared, you'll never know the diffenerce, but believe me when I say that I'm alright. Cause I'll say that I'm alright. And now it's nearly four, the morning coudn't be more infectious than this cureless disease of hope and failing disbelief. Why can't I sleep? I'll dream of you and when I wake up I will wish I'd never fallen so far.. But I fell so far in love.. And I'll never get to say it.

the same.

As much as I wish it could be, it won't. Too much has happened. I tried to pretend like it didn't matter, but I couldn't do that very well. I tried to get over it as fast as it happened but sometimes the consequences are a little more affecting than the act itself. So that didn't work out too well either. I hate feeling like this. Like everything I've ever known wasn't real. I tell myself that I'm ready, but maybe I'm not. I want to be ready for everything, but I think in reality I'd rather just run away and start over somewhere else where no one knows who I am or who I've been. Being me is too hard to explain.. Especially since I'm still trying to figure out who that is. I know who I want to be, but that isn't always the best plan. Having a plan at all is kinda silly.. Because I'm not in charge here. If I was, all of this wouldn't have happened. I'd still be your best friend. He'd have been a better parent. She'd learn to forgive me for everything I never did. And you'd still love me. None of that was in my plan. But it happened. I wish it could all be the same. But it never will be. It will never go back. I'm still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not. If it stayed, I'd be different. I don't mind the changes I've gone through, I just wanted it to happen without all the hard stuff. Then, that's nearly impossible. Where would the change come from if life was exactly the way you wanted it to be? How else do you grow into the person you were meant to be? And who would I be now if I was the same?

impatiently yours.

Do you ever want to fall apart? Just to get it over with I mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. Sometimes I catch myself looking forward to it. Because as soon as it happens, I'll be able to look ahead and see nothing but greatness shining out from the dark place I'm in. I'll know, at rock bottom, that nothing will get any worse and I only have good times ahead of me. I want the worst to come so I'll stop expecting it. I want life to be a mess. I want everything to go wrong. I want a slap in the face... And I want it to be hard. I want to be able to pull out of it and I want to learn from it. I feel like i'm climbing this hill and it's getting harder to breathe from the lack of oxygen, darker from the lack of sun, but I still don't know what's on the other side. When will I be enveloped in confusion? In complete mayhem, utter chaos? It's getting darker, but when will I not be able to see my own hand in front of my face? I just want to have a breakdown and get it over with so I can say I survived. I want a story and I want to be through this gray period of just being. I want to get to a better place and the only way I see that happening is if I get to a worse place first. I want something to go wrong so I can finally see what my problem has been all along. Basically, I want what I want and I want it right now. Some people may say that's selfish or that I need to let things naturally run it's course. But why? Why should I wait for something to happen all on its own if I know it's coming? Why can't I help it along? I'm not saying I'm gonna try and put myself in dangerous or stupid situations... But if I pray for a resolution to all this bleakness, isn't that the same thing? Open my eyes Lord, show me where I need to be. And if I need to make some more mistakes along the way, then so be it. Bring them on. I'm not afraid to live and I'm not afraid to mess up. I just want to get there. I'm very impatiently waiting.

charity case.

No, that's not exactly what it is, but it kinda feels that way. I don't want to feel like just my family isn't good enough. This is the first year I belong to a whole family since my dad left us and the first idea they have for the holidays is to go spend it with strangers so we won't feel alone? I love being alone with my family. I realize it must be hard for my mom to go from my dads huge family gatherings to nothing... But we have each other now. I want that to be enough. I don't want to go to someone else's family gathering in order to make us feel more important. That's when it feels like a charity case. It's like.. Oh that poor family doesn't have anywhere to go for the holidays. Let's invite them over so they don't feel left out of anything. We'll try to make them feel part of something special. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the thought immensely. But I'd rather feel special by being surrounded by the people I love than people I barely know. And technically, I'm an adult. I don't have to do anything I don't want to. I could go spent the day with my dad even though legally, it's my moms year for the 'kids'. But that's the thing. I'm not a 'kid' anymore. I guess this is what they mean when they say they don't want to be alone on the holidays. If I still had you, I could skip all this awkwardness. I could be your family. We could do this together, make the rounds. I could meet every family member you ever had and you could tell me that I'll never have to choose between families again or where to spend christmas because as long as I have you, I'm home. But that's not the case anymore. I just want to be with people I love. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. Even if I'm all they have.

Because you're good enough for me. You're all I want.

about time.

I'm over it, this whole fake thing. It's wearing me down and I'm at the point where I actually want to scream and have someone hear me, have someone care. I'm done pretending like everything is happy and sunshine and marshmallows in your cocoa. Because people suck. I truly like only four of all the friends I've acquired over the years. First of all, thats not fair to the rest of them because I'm not being truthful. Second, that's not fair to me because I deserve to have people around me that I can trust. People that I can be real with. And lastly, it's completely lame. I want to be Laurel.

It's about time I started.

my pocket.

One thing I'm going against my will on... Is becoming easier to do. What I want isn't what I get. It isn't fun, and I'm tempted at times to take it back. Do-over please, I didn't mean it. But having it dissipate this quickly can only prove that it was the right choice.. To give it up. I never want it to go away, but I don't feel the need to keep it on the back burner. I was ready to wait forever. I was willing to self-sacrifice the matter and bravely lift my chin to the heartache. I wanted to keep you in my pocket. Or rather, hide in yours.

This can only get easier... But don't think for a second that I don't miss you. We will see each other again.

sometimes happen.

What is to be, will be. And what isn't to be, will sometimes happen. When does it become clear as to which is which? In an uncontrollable circumstance; supposed to, not supposed to. In a decision only possible to be made by yourself; right, wrong. In a simple question; yes, no. And when will you be sure you know how to let one slide? You're so sure it's not meant to go one way, but you're out of practice and you're not sure how to change it. What if you change something that wasn't wrong? What if it was supposed to feel so out of place in order for miracle to shine through? How do you admit defeat and let it? You doubt the plan and you try to fix something that isn't broken. I try to fix it. What if that's the point? Every time I doubt my future or where I'm supposed to be or even who I'm supposed to be, I have a choice to make. Do I sit down with my personal timeline and map it out all on my own or do I trust that wherever I'm supposed to be, He'll get me there? Faith. I almost wanna say it sucks. It's my nature to want to control things I don't understand. I don't understand me, and I have no control over that. I am who I'm supposed to be. Now all I have left to do is make myself as open and available as possible so that I can be used for the reason I was created. That means I don't get to see the game plan. Because if I see it... My plans for me will interfere with the predestined. I know I'm impatient. I want to get to that place I'm meant for right now. I want to be healed and I want to be let in on the secret. It's getting harder to let go of my wants and fears and just accept that I'll be ok in the end. I want the end right now. But I have a choice every time I doubt I'm in the right place.. Or the right time to move.. Or the right thing to say to make something go in a specific direction. I can choose to think it's all up to me and believe I have the power to change my path. I can choose to 'know' what's best for me. I can choose to turn my back on the one who loved me before I was made. Or, I can choose to blind fold myself, tie my hands behind my back and step off the ledge. To trust Him. One of those choices is easy. But it gives me false hope and sets me back- me and my impatient self. The other is much more frightening. But much more worth the rewards. I trust him, my faith grows, I share my story, I get eternal happiness. He knows my future. He planned it just for me and He knows I'll love it. Getting there is the scary part. But who would choose against it? He planned this time for me. I want to use it. I want the most out of it and I'm ready to take the leap. Forgive me if I cry a lot these next few months.. Ehh... Slash years. I'm scared but I won't let that get in the way. I will push through it. And He will meet me at the end. Even if the things I don't want to happen, sometimes happen.

you win.

Because I was wrong. I though you were better than them. Truth is, nobody is better than anyone else.

Everyone lies.

Everyone cheats.

Everybody plays those games.

And everybody leaves.

call me.

It's nice to be missed. Nice to know they didn't forget about you. Nice to know they still care. But when you're the one missing and remembering and caring... And you're doing it alone? It stinks. After too long, you start to wonder if they ever meant all the stuff they said. All that stuff about having the potential to be really good friends. All that stuff while they were opening up to you. Revealing secrets. Bonding. Then she disappeared and never said a word. I miss you. And she won't respond to any of my efforts. Mutual friends will tell me she's been trying to get ahold of me.. But I haven't seen the effects from any such obvious struggle. Think there might be some awkwardness when she comes back? Yes. Probably. I don't want that. I don't blame her for going away. I understand. She needs to see that. And I can't tell her because I don't know where she is and wherever that is, I've been informed, there is no personal telephone. no number to reach her at. This is a one way ticket on a lonely train headed south, fast.

You have my number. I want to talk to you. Tell you I'm here for you if you need me to be...

Call me.

into you.

Finally. I feel like I'm in the right place. I feel 100% sure that this is that invisible path that we're supposed to trust will find us. I feel like mine found me. I'm at peace with my life right now. I must have gone up and down, left and right, in and out of every possible emotion, decision, choice, and supporting figure. But I finally figured it out. I'm getting into You. Because You got to me. I'm lifting up my heart to You. I'm scared, it's tough, and I'm so afraid that I'll miss something important... But that's why it's called faith right? "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1. I'm trusting myself to be blind. I'm trusting God to hold my hand and lead me. I'm trusting that I know what I'm getting myself into.

You said, "I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into."

I'm gonna love You with my life.

just friends.

Nothing sounds better right now. Usually, "can't we be just friends?" doesn't exactly come with the best emotions attached. But I'd rather be his friend and be ok with just that than never talk to him and miss out on his life. Especially to have him miss out on mine. I always feel better after I see him. After I talk with him. During, he actually frustrates me pretty bad. But after, I'm happy again. It's like he infuriatingly knows everything that I'm doing wrong and isn't afraid to point it out. So yeah, hearing that isn't fun. I get defensive and stubborn. But I know he's right. It's refreshing. And after it sinks in for a bit, it's like everything is clear again. This friendship is definitely going to be one of the hardest I've had. But I also want it the most. He keeps me focused. I've never had someone like that. He cares. And not because of what he may get out of it. I don't even really know if he gets anything out of knowing me and staying close... But he cares about me and wants me to be happy. Thank you.

my side.

I'm not on it. I don't know what I'm looking for. I want to be left alone but at the same time, I want to be chased. I want to be worth it and I want it to all go back to the way it was. It seems as though nothing will ever turn out the way it was supposed to. Not only am I not part of the designing team, but at this point I'm not even allowed to remove the blindfold. Pushed this way and that, how can I be sure to trust the shovers? How do I distinguish between the right and the wrong? The good and the bad? The only thing I'm sure of is my own motives. And if I can't even tell myself how to be happy, how can I trust me either? So, I'm not even on my side anymore. I'm faking everything from smiling to breathing. Nothing is natural as it should be. Understanding the way I used to be hasn't helped. I've relapsed and I find comfort in the sin. Only this time, I'm acknowledging that it's wrong. It's not good and it's shameful. I don't want anyone to know about it and I don't want to own up to it, but then I don't want to hurt him either. He has changed so much and I feel like I'm dragging him back down our old paths. This is why I'm not on my side. I want it all back but I don't want it to be caught. Then I think, I can be better than this. Truth is, I can't. This is all I have. I don't know how to be the me I want to be without his help. I didn't even know I existed until he showed me how to draw the curtains. Open the window. Let the sunshine in. Live. And now that I can see that it's over, I've lost my way and I don't know who I can lie to anymore. Not even I believe me. Why would anyone else? Why even try? What's the drive if it doesn't make you feel whole? That's all I really want. I don't want to be empty anymore. I don't want to feel like this is never going to go away. But since I'm convinced already, I'm removing all I can from the picture. Break it up and hope that it'll dissipate on it's own. Say goodbye to all I know. Slap my comfort zones in the face, cry out loud and hope that no one listens. I'm taking myself out of the picture. Leaving. I want so badly for this to work that i'm banking my entire life on it.

If I hurt you, I'm sorry. And when this, like all other great plans, fails, please let me come back home. Forgive me for wanting peace. I'll accept my mistake and move on. Hopefully that'll be all I'll have left at that point. What's the point?

you wish.

Tunnels. Dandelions. Shooting stars. Eyelashes. We've all done it. But have you ever thought about how silly it is? You wish. And you make it something special, something you really want. Who are you asking? Who are you wishing to? Who is gonna make that happen? I have a better plan. Pray. Bridges. Grass. Sunlight. Tears. We all need to do it. Have you ever wondered how many lives would be changed if we took just a second of passing time to remember our friends, family and enemies in a prayer? It's easy. I pray for strangers every time I see a rushing ambulance with the sirens flaring up. Every time I see a child in a stroller on the sidewalk. Every time and any time I need Him. Make Him a part of your every day routine. Don't ever underestimate my Jesus. He'll listen to whatever you have to say. Even if you can't find the words. He knows your heart. He'll feel your thoughts. And He'll know how to comfort you. He will show you just how much you amount to. He'll put peace in your mind and He'll find a way to tell you that you are His everything and He can never love you more than He already does. He will take your heart in His and give you everything it desires without a second thought. When has a dandelion ever done so much?

breathe it.

On a shorter note, I love my sisters to no end. I don't know where they get their strength from, but I want to pay tribute to one of the rules they live by. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and hard hearted before. I could have been a role model for them, I could have been a good example. Turns out, that's what they are to me. Younger, slightly taller, and wiser in the ways of the Lord than I; Be loved, sweet girls. You deserve everything heaven can offer you.
Hillary, your compassion will cause the world to spin the other way. You will work wonders by your heart. Your love has already changed so many lives. You will be praised on earth and above for your faith and your passion in God. And yet, you don't truly understand how wonderful you are. You are so dear to my soul.
Kara, your fire will ignite the fierce wilderness of this world that darkness has taken grasp of. Your light will shine in the darkest corners of depression and destruction. You will bring peace to the fearful and you don't even know how powerful you are when you unleash your love. You are kept close to my heart at all times.
You both inspire me to be better than others expect possible simply because you are more true to yourselves than I ever have been. There is a deep attraction to you from your faith and drive that is noticed by all. I hope one day to be as alluring as you.

This is the line they live by, the line I want to apply to my every day life. This is something it wouldn't hurt you to try. I know I'm going to...

"God is love, and love is like oxygen. Breathe it in."

let go.

I must say, that has to be one of my favorite phrases. It can be used so many different ways. Let go of your past. Let go of your fear. Let go of your senses. Let go of your control. Let go of you. Wish I could. But I'm trying. I want to have a permanent reminder that I'm moving forward, something that I can read and be comforted by, inspired by. This is my attempt. I sure hope I can use this later, sure hope it works.
Let go of your past. Dad, I forgive you. Not because you asked me to, but because I'm tired of not having you in my life. I've been angry long enough. You're only human, and humans were designed to make mistakes. How could I not accept you for just the way you are? It's not in my power to judge. You hurt me. Maybe not on purpose, but there it is. I've spent the last ten years of my life trying to hurt you back and I'm ashamed to admit that it worked. No matter what I do or what I say or how many times I 'forget' your birthday or leave in the middle of fathers day dinner to be with someone 'more important', it never feels like enough. It will never be enough. Revenge is a dangerous lifestyle. An empty one. I don't want it anymore. I want to love you the way a daughter should love her father. This is my turning point. This is where I let go of my hate.
Let go of your fear. Stepping out of my box is something I don't have much practice with. I've built my walls ten feet high all around me and it's getting to the point where I'm not even sure the sunlight can get in anymore. I only keep them there because I'm so afraid of everything on the other side. In my box, I know I'm safe. But what is safe? I'm so naive to the world around me that I can't even really know what I'm scared of anymore. I don't even know what's out there. It's time I kicked the walls down. Exposed my true feelings, wants, desires. That's all it really is, right? Afraid to be seen as I am? Because what if I'm not good enough? What if I don't live up to your expectations? What if I don't fit in? Screw that... I'll make up my own 'in' crowd, even if I'm the only name on the list. I'll be good enough for the important ones. Me and God. I will be loved on such a higher level that I won't need anyone else's acceptance. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to start living. This is my victory. This is where I let go of my hesitation.
Let go of your senses. To be in tune with everything in this world is tiring. I see things I don't want to see, hear things I shouldn't. Feel things I want to forget about and remember things I wish had never happened. To have so many things bouncing around in my head is inadvertently complicating the one thing that should be so simple. I want to see it all, more than what my physical senses are capable of providing. These things around me are diverting my attention from the soul reason I was born, created, designed. I want to be focused. I want the air I breathe to be clear without pollution. I want the fog in my head to dissipate. And I know it's bound to happen, but I don't want to make more mistakes that what is necessary for me to learn from. So, change my speech and clothe my body. Make me desirable in the appropriate ways. Guard my ears and protect my innocence. Keep me safe in Your warm embrace. I want to be pure and whole with Your grace. I want to be clean and bright with Your love. All these earthly things are getting in the way. Help me see past them and use me to share your Word. I don't want to be a saint, that's not what I'm asking for. I'm not seeking perfection. I simply don't want to be led astray by the evils of this world. I want clarity and peace. This is where I open my eyes. This is where I let go of my confinement.
Let go of your control. It was never there in the first place. I thought I had a say in this. And to a point, I do. But not before I accept that it's not up to me. My life is not my own. I'm not here simply to enjoy myself and make mistakes and be forgiven. I'm here for a higher purpose. As soon as I understand that, I'll be shown what decisions He wants me to make. I'll want to honor Him and I'll be happy to do His bidding. That's when it becomes my choice, my decision. It's mine because He gave it to me. He will show me the way. And when I see it, I will want nothing more than to please Him. My heart will be His. Patiently, I wait for Him to decide the time is right. I could be pushy and I could whine, but it will get me nowhere. I could also assume that I know everything and take matters into my own hands. But, I'm pretty sure that would only slow me down. Make it a longer delay. He'll have more things to fix before I'm ready. I don't want to wait, but I will. I want to make Him proud. This is where I submit, wholly. This is where I let go of my freedom.
Let go of you. What good is a heart if it's broken? I need to be one with myself before I can know who I am. I want to thank you for showing me that it's possible. I spent so much of our time together feeling inferior. You had so much of what I wanted that I was jealous and it hindered our relationship. I'm sorry for that. I wish I had your strength. Your courage and Your faith astound me. I want nothing more than to have all of that. I've got a lot of growing up to do, and you were right. Now isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship. It blinds me. Distracts me from the important things. I get wrapped up in feelings and I'll admit that I'm quite the emotional roller coaster. Up and down, twisting and turning, I could have my own amusement park. And that's nothing to be proud of. In order to get that straightened out, I need down time. Close the park for maintenance. Take my walk, alone. I need to say goodbye. I don't want to, but it's for the best. I'm sorry I said those destructive things. It's not your fault. None of it ever was. I was hurt and I needed someone to blame. If I could take it back, I would. If I could only have seen then what I see now, I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place. But God saw more that I did. He saw that I needed you. He knew that you would help me, inspire me. And you did just what you were supposed to. Had I only known that you were placed in my life for a greater purpose than the way I wanted you, I wouldn't need to let go. We could still be friends. But I can't do that now. I got in over my head. I'm not usually a jumper, but you showed me that it's worth it. I don't want to ache anymore. I want to prove to myself that I can move on. This is where I disappear. This is where I let go.

I no longer belong to myself. I am not mine to keep. I am, therefore, not mine to destroy. I will not give up on me and I will not take me into my own hands. I will let go of me and I will let my Father have me. Completely.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Galatians 2:20 NIV.

running away.

I've never done anything adventurous in my life. I've never done anything risky or thrilling or on a whim just because. my actions are always very thought out and planned. I always have an escape route and I always have something to fall back on. Interestingly enough, this is something I've never thought less about. I don't want to plan it. I don't even necessarily want it to work out. I want it to be hard. I want it to be challenging.. And I want to be able to handle it if I don't make it through just right. I want to be in trouble. Every time I think about it, I get an adrenaline rush. I don't ever want that to go away. I don't want to over think it. I want it to stay exactly the way it is... Perfectly unplanned. Under processed. Reckless. I'm just upset that I have so much time. I'm not used to free time. I need it to be filled but I have nothing to fill it with. I have options, but what would that mean to you? Would you ever forgive me if i just gave up and let go? I told you I wouldn't ever do that. But how is it fair for you to do just that when I feel guilty for even thinking of being selfish and having fun without you?
Sidenote:
This was brought to my attention by someone very close to me... I pick the wrong ones. And the wrong ones pick me. My dad treated me like a princess while he was mine. Then he left. He abandoned me. But, he continued to treat me like a princess even though he refused to come back and be a part of my life. I don't know how to forgive him for that; And it's been years. In a way, you did the same thing. All the way up to the end. Going strong. Love me, then leave me. That's one of them. The other? Treat me like scum but stay with me. I'll always love you. Simply because you're still here. You'll never leave me, and you know that I'll never let go of that so you don't care to treat me with respect or love or anyhting decent. You don't need to. You did your part by not leaving. And you know it. But now I know it.
It's my turn to leave. I'm slowly fixing things that should have been fixed a long time ago. But really... What does a fourteen year old girl know about fixing her relationship with her dad when he doesn't want one? How could it have been fixed? Working on it and taking it slowly as it comes is not a cop out. Nothing is ever good enough. It can always be better. I don't understand how you don't see that. This decision may be based on emotions but I don't care. I deserve the right to make my own mistakes. I'm tired of being safe and reserved and sheltered. It's my turn to leave.
And I'm running away.

over with.

I still haven't decided... Am I really ok with this or am I just pretending because I know it's what's best? I want to say that I'm really okay. But then, say anything that reminds me of him and I crumble. Right about now, had things been different I would be in his truck, headed east out to the gorge, preparing myself for the most amazing concert-to-be known to mankind. I think part of the reason I'm upset is because I still could have gone, had it not bothered me that I wouldn't be 'going with him' anymore. I could have been there. But I chose not to. I think in the long run it was the right choice.. It just sucks cause I really want to be there. Think about it though. I might have seen him. I would have been with other people. People he never met. People I wish he had. It would be hard to listen to the songs he sang to me while we were still together without him there to sing with. So I sit here, wishing with all my might that it could turn into Sunday. Get the weekend over with already. I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like.

you're welcome.

If you haven't guessed by now, my heart has been broken for exactly two days, one hour and 50+ minutes. I just thought I'd share something that helped with that today. It's called Jesus loves me and He really does care that I'm hurting. I was texting 'him' slash crying when I was leaving work tonight when, through my teary eyes and blubbering, I saw a lone hydrangea right smack dab in the middle of a parking lot completely void of any cars besides my own. As I passed it on the way to my car, I thought 'I should grab it.' Then, 'no, it's probably dirty.' As I battled myself on whether to pick it up or not, I had this intense impulse. It was like someone had yelled at me... Just pick it up already! You know you want it... So I did. I went back across the emptiness and snatched up, quite greedily I might add, this small spark of color that had completely captured my attention. As I lifted it to my nose, aside from the intoxicating fragrance, I noticed a strange side stem protruding from the side. 'Well that's odd...?' I pulled and tugged at it but it wouldn't come loose. So I pushed instead. And from the top of the white and lavender bloom of the hydrangea came a small and delicate but completely captivating yellow rose. If anyone knows a thing about roses, yellow means 'i'm sorry' in flower world. Of course I started bawling my eyes out and laughing and probably spitting too... All at the same time. And I looked up to the sky and whispered, 'Thank you Jesus'. I knew it was from Him. There was no doubt in my mind. How else could it be explained? And as I turned back to my car with my present cradled in my arms, I heard Him whisper ever so quietly in my ear as the wind swirled around me;

'You're Welcome.'

bad habit.

I don't know who I am anymore. I once thought I did, but then it changed... For the better I might add. I was starting to appreciate living life for someone other than myself. For God. For love. I thought I was getting it right, finally. I felt like I was on the right path. Headed in the right direction. I just found out that I was playing it safe. I'm not alive. I'm not feeling anything anymore. I don't laugh. I don't cry. I don't get excited about anything, and I certainly am not responsive to what should be painful. I'm sick of being apathetic. I need emotion. I need to thrive on His love and I feel like I've been floating. I'm not sinking but there I am in the water when all I want is to fly. Hopefully, this will help. I've been bound by an invisible weight. A weight that I chained around my own feet. I wanted it. I thought I was ready to accept the consequences. I thought I grew up. In reality, I'm still six. Holding on to my security blanket, sucking my thumb and crying out for attention. For help. For love. I've been looking in all the wrong places, crying to the wrong people. All I can do now is trust that this is what God wants from me. This is something I need to go through. I need to humble myself and I feel like I take way too much pride in my own decisions for that to have happened at all. I thought I was right. But really, I wasn't on His page. I wasn't even reading the same book. I'm not gonna say it doesn't hurt, because it does. I'm just trying to get in the habit of finding the bigger picture. Looking for it hasn't even been a good habit of mine.

Lord,

I love You with all of my heart. I trust You completely and I know You want me to be happy. I don't blame You for what happened. I thank You. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to and I'm glad to know You believe I can handle it. It feels good to be trusted by You and I'm glad You are able to change my life without worrying I'll turn from You. Having that security only makes me want to hold on that much more. Give me the grace and the patience to see things Your way and give me the courage to accept that I'm not in control. I give myself to you, Lord, do what you will.

Amen.

I'm going to miss you, I can't even look at all the things that remind me of you right now. I'm sitting alone in the dark, surrounded by your memories, and afraid of the light. I don't want to sleep for fear of dreaming of you. I don't want to talk to anyone for fear of empathy. I just want to miss you. I don't want hard feelings or sadness to accompany me on this long road of self discovery. I want to say that you helped me. I want you to know that I loved you. Love you. That will never change. I'm not angry. I don't wish I'd never met you or regret anything we shared. It's a shame that it didn't continue, but what else can you do with stagnant water but throw it out and try again? Thank you for the past six months of my life. I had fun while it lasted. I'm sorry it didn't work. It's not your fault and it's not mine. It's just something that needed to happen, like you said. I don't know if this is goodbye forever, but it is goodbye.

Dear Jesus,

I need you. I won't live this life on my own. I've been so lost without you and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize just how much I love you. Even longer to realize how much you love me. I'm so grateful that you took the time to mold me, had patience to wait for me to come to you, and cared enough to hold my hand when I needed you most. I want the real thing. I want to know I'm wanted. I want to shine with your love. I want to be used by you. I want to have a purpose in this life. I want you to be proud of me. I want your forgiveness when I know it's already mine. I want it all, and I'm not afraid to ask anymore. I know you can hear me. I know you care. I know you'll listen when I say I mean it. I know you love me now. And i just wanted to let you know, I love you too.

just sure.

Don't you hate being insecure? It sucks. Why can't we all just accept each other for our differences and let it go at that? Why are we always second guessing ourselves? Maybe it's just bad for me. See? Lame... I always have to think about what I'm going to say before I say it just to be sure I won't sound stupid or so I'll fit in. I just want to be me. Why can't I let myself do that? Plenty of people don't have to hold back.. And they're just fine right? Why can't I do that? It's hard to please everyone. And eventually, I'll lose myself and end up being an empty void with a plastic smile stretched across my face waiting for someone to realize that I'm crying underneath it all. I don't want to end up like that. I just want to be crazy and wacky and not care who thinks I'm a dork.. Because I'll tell you right now. I'm just sure that's exactly what they'll think. Because it's true. I don't want to care but I do. And that's the worst part. I can't help it.

rather be.

So, my mother got married last weekend. I could never explain how happy I am for her! To see her glowing at every second of every day is such a blessing and I couldn't be more thankful to God that she gets a second chance at love. Since the wedding, they've obviously been on their honeymoon but when they came back last night something pretty comical happened... It was late and everyone who was home was about to go to bed. So my new step-father, whom would like us to call him 'pop' (totally joking of course..), started complaining that he had to drive all the way home. "OH WAIT A MINUTE!!!" Weird, but "goodnight" as he goes upstairs to HIS bedroom now. It's funny how things turn out. You never expect that your parents will divorce. But then when they do and you get your mom to yourself for all those years, it's almost a relief to see her married again. Even if it is the oddest concept; being present at her wedding. It's almost unnatural, until you see her cry up at the alter and you know there's no other place you'd rather be.

didn't hurt.

Ever noticed how hard that is? Just to breathe when everything hurts? It amazes me sometimes that we make it out. You make a mistake, beat yourself up over it, cry your eyes out, and suddenly it's over. Good or bad, it goes away. Right now I'm in that in-between stage. Right around the crying your eyes out part. I'm just waiting for my breathing to become regular again. I'm waiting for the guilt and anxiety to disappear. To be quite honest, it wasn't a big mistake either. The worst part about it was that it was my own rule that I broke. And I can't forgive myself. I didn't break it alone, but even that doesn't make it feel any better. Breaking that promise to myself sent reality crashing into the side of my head and there's no way I can ignore it any longer. You think you know someone when really, you only know them the way you want to.. Right? It's worse when that someone you know is you. After you see a piece of yourself that you never acknowledged before, you have to make a decision. Accept it and move on, or make a change. And what if you don't want it to be who you are, but at the same time you don't want it to change? What if you want to be the person you are even if it's wrong? Like when you know you shouldn't be doing something and you know it will get you in trouble and you promised yourself this time would be different and you wouldn't let it affect you the way it used to... But then when it happens, you can't make yourself stop. And you realize that all the time you spent trying to be better wasn't as wonderful as those few moments of giving in. That's when it starts. Air turns to water in your lungs, and you're choking. And every memory makes you wish you didn't like it that much. Your tears become acid in your eyes and no matter what you tell yourself, you can't stop them from burning holes in everything they touch. Even though he tells you it wasn't your fault, the guilt has already set in. You can't think about it without shivering. You can't talk about it because the words turn to ash in your mouth. And while you wait for him, you forget to breathe. Unconscious or not, you know that first breath will stab into your lungs like liquid fire so you simply refuse. You try to remember what it felt like when it didn't hurt.

I wanted to talk to you, but now I wish you hadn't called.