my side.

I'm not on it. I don't know what I'm looking for. I want to be left alone but at the same time, I want to be chased. I want to be worth it and I want it to all go back to the way it was. It seems as though nothing will ever turn out the way it was supposed to. Not only am I not part of the designing team, but at this point I'm not even allowed to remove the blindfold. Pushed this way and that, how can I be sure to trust the shovers? How do I distinguish between the right and the wrong? The good and the bad? The only thing I'm sure of is my own motives. And if I can't even tell myself how to be happy, how can I trust me either? So, I'm not even on my side anymore. I'm faking everything from smiling to breathing. Nothing is natural as it should be. Understanding the way I used to be hasn't helped. I've relapsed and I find comfort in the sin. Only this time, I'm acknowledging that it's wrong. It's not good and it's shameful. I don't want anyone to know about it and I don't want to own up to it, but then I don't want to hurt him either. He has changed so much and I feel like I'm dragging him back down our old paths. This is why I'm not on my side. I want it all back but I don't want it to be caught. Then I think, I can be better than this. Truth is, I can't. This is all I have. I don't know how to be the me I want to be without his help. I didn't even know I existed until he showed me how to draw the curtains. Open the window. Let the sunshine in. Live. And now that I can see that it's over, I've lost my way and I don't know who I can lie to anymore. Not even I believe me. Why would anyone else? Why even try? What's the drive if it doesn't make you feel whole? That's all I really want. I don't want to be empty anymore. I don't want to feel like this is never going to go away. But since I'm convinced already, I'm removing all I can from the picture. Break it up and hope that it'll dissipate on it's own. Say goodbye to all I know. Slap my comfort zones in the face, cry out loud and hope that no one listens. I'm taking myself out of the picture. Leaving. I want so badly for this to work that i'm banking my entire life on it.

If I hurt you, I'm sorry. And when this, like all other great plans, fails, please let me come back home. Forgive me for wanting peace. I'll accept my mistake and move on. Hopefully that'll be all I'll have left at that point. What's the point?