running away.

I've never done anything adventurous in my life. I've never done anything risky or thrilling or on a whim just because. my actions are always very thought out and planned. I always have an escape route and I always have something to fall back on. Interestingly enough, this is something I've never thought less about. I don't want to plan it. I don't even necessarily want it to work out. I want it to be hard. I want it to be challenging.. And I want to be able to handle it if I don't make it through just right. I want to be in trouble. Every time I think about it, I get an adrenaline rush. I don't ever want that to go away. I don't want to over think it. I want it to stay exactly the way it is... Perfectly unplanned. Under processed. Reckless. I'm just upset that I have so much time. I'm not used to free time. I need it to be filled but I have nothing to fill it with. I have options, but what would that mean to you? Would you ever forgive me if i just gave up and let go? I told you I wouldn't ever do that. But how is it fair for you to do just that when I feel guilty for even thinking of being selfish and having fun without you?
Sidenote:
This was brought to my attention by someone very close to me... I pick the wrong ones. And the wrong ones pick me. My dad treated me like a princess while he was mine. Then he left. He abandoned me. But, he continued to treat me like a princess even though he refused to come back and be a part of my life. I don't know how to forgive him for that; And it's been years. In a way, you did the same thing. All the way up to the end. Going strong. Love me, then leave me. That's one of them. The other? Treat me like scum but stay with me. I'll always love you. Simply because you're still here. You'll never leave me, and you know that I'll never let go of that so you don't care to treat me with respect or love or anyhting decent. You don't need to. You did your part by not leaving. And you know it. But now I know it.
It's my turn to leave. I'm slowly fixing things that should have been fixed a long time ago. But really... What does a fourteen year old girl know about fixing her relationship with her dad when he doesn't want one? How could it have been fixed? Working on it and taking it slowly as it comes is not a cop out. Nothing is ever good enough. It can always be better. I don't understand how you don't see that. This decision may be based on emotions but I don't care. I deserve the right to make my own mistakes. I'm tired of being safe and reserved and sheltered. It's my turn to leave.
And I'm running away.