over with.

I still haven't decided... Am I really ok with this or am I just pretending because I know it's what's best? I want to say that I'm really okay. But then, say anything that reminds me of him and I crumble. Right about now, had things been different I would be in his truck, headed east out to the gorge, preparing myself for the most amazing concert-to-be known to mankind. I think part of the reason I'm upset is because I still could have gone, had it not bothered me that I wouldn't be 'going with him' anymore. I could have been there. But I chose not to. I think in the long run it was the right choice.. It just sucks cause I really want to be there. Think about it though. I might have seen him. I would have been with other people. People he never met. People I wish he had. It would be hard to listen to the songs he sang to me while we were still together without him there to sing with. So I sit here, wishing with all my might that it could turn into Sunday. Get the weekend over with already. I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like.

you're welcome.

If you haven't guessed by now, my heart has been broken for exactly two days, one hour and 50+ minutes. I just thought I'd share something that helped with that today. It's called Jesus loves me and He really does care that I'm hurting. I was texting 'him' slash crying when I was leaving work tonight when, through my teary eyes and blubbering, I saw a lone hydrangea right smack dab in the middle of a parking lot completely void of any cars besides my own. As I passed it on the way to my car, I thought 'I should grab it.' Then, 'no, it's probably dirty.' As I battled myself on whether to pick it up or not, I had this intense impulse. It was like someone had yelled at me... Just pick it up already! You know you want it... So I did. I went back across the emptiness and snatched up, quite greedily I might add, this small spark of color that had completely captured my attention. As I lifted it to my nose, aside from the intoxicating fragrance, I noticed a strange side stem protruding from the side. 'Well that's odd...?' I pulled and tugged at it but it wouldn't come loose. So I pushed instead. And from the top of the white and lavender bloom of the hydrangea came a small and delicate but completely captivating yellow rose. If anyone knows a thing about roses, yellow means 'i'm sorry' in flower world. Of course I started bawling my eyes out and laughing and probably spitting too... All at the same time. And I looked up to the sky and whispered, 'Thank you Jesus'. I knew it was from Him. There was no doubt in my mind. How else could it be explained? And as I turned back to my car with my present cradled in my arms, I heard Him whisper ever so quietly in my ear as the wind swirled around me;

'You're Welcome.'

bad habit.

I don't know who I am anymore. I once thought I did, but then it changed... For the better I might add. I was starting to appreciate living life for someone other than myself. For God. For love. I thought I was getting it right, finally. I felt like I was on the right path. Headed in the right direction. I just found out that I was playing it safe. I'm not alive. I'm not feeling anything anymore. I don't laugh. I don't cry. I don't get excited about anything, and I certainly am not responsive to what should be painful. I'm sick of being apathetic. I need emotion. I need to thrive on His love and I feel like I've been floating. I'm not sinking but there I am in the water when all I want is to fly. Hopefully, this will help. I've been bound by an invisible weight. A weight that I chained around my own feet. I wanted it. I thought I was ready to accept the consequences. I thought I grew up. In reality, I'm still six. Holding on to my security blanket, sucking my thumb and crying out for attention. For help. For love. I've been looking in all the wrong places, crying to the wrong people. All I can do now is trust that this is what God wants from me. This is something I need to go through. I need to humble myself and I feel like I take way too much pride in my own decisions for that to have happened at all. I thought I was right. But really, I wasn't on His page. I wasn't even reading the same book. I'm not gonna say it doesn't hurt, because it does. I'm just trying to get in the habit of finding the bigger picture. Looking for it hasn't even been a good habit of mine.

Lord,

I love You with all of my heart. I trust You completely and I know You want me to be happy. I don't blame You for what happened. I thank You. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to and I'm glad to know You believe I can handle it. It feels good to be trusted by You and I'm glad You are able to change my life without worrying I'll turn from You. Having that security only makes me want to hold on that much more. Give me the grace and the patience to see things Your way and give me the courage to accept that I'm not in control. I give myself to you, Lord, do what you will.

Amen.

I'm going to miss you, I can't even look at all the things that remind me of you right now. I'm sitting alone in the dark, surrounded by your memories, and afraid of the light. I don't want to sleep for fear of dreaming of you. I don't want to talk to anyone for fear of empathy. I just want to miss you. I don't want hard feelings or sadness to accompany me on this long road of self discovery. I want to say that you helped me. I want you to know that I loved you. Love you. That will never change. I'm not angry. I don't wish I'd never met you or regret anything we shared. It's a shame that it didn't continue, but what else can you do with stagnant water but throw it out and try again? Thank you for the past six months of my life. I had fun while it lasted. I'm sorry it didn't work. It's not your fault and it's not mine. It's just something that needed to happen, like you said. I don't know if this is goodbye forever, but it is goodbye.