bad habit.

I don't know who I am anymore. I once thought I did, but then it changed... For the better I might add. I was starting to appreciate living life for someone other than myself. For God. For love. I thought I was getting it right, finally. I felt like I was on the right path. Headed in the right direction. I just found out that I was playing it safe. I'm not alive. I'm not feeling anything anymore. I don't laugh. I don't cry. I don't get excited about anything, and I certainly am not responsive to what should be painful. I'm sick of being apathetic. I need emotion. I need to thrive on His love and I feel like I've been floating. I'm not sinking but there I am in the water when all I want is to fly. Hopefully, this will help. I've been bound by an invisible weight. A weight that I chained around my own feet. I wanted it. I thought I was ready to accept the consequences. I thought I grew up. In reality, I'm still six. Holding on to my security blanket, sucking my thumb and crying out for attention. For help. For love. I've been looking in all the wrong places, crying to the wrong people. All I can do now is trust that this is what God wants from me. This is something I need to go through. I need to humble myself and I feel like I take way too much pride in my own decisions for that to have happened at all. I thought I was right. But really, I wasn't on His page. I wasn't even reading the same book. I'm not gonna say it doesn't hurt, because it does. I'm just trying to get in the habit of finding the bigger picture. Looking for it hasn't even been a good habit of mine.

Lord,

I love You with all of my heart. I trust You completely and I know You want me to be happy. I don't blame You for what happened. I thank You. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to and I'm glad to know You believe I can handle it. It feels good to be trusted by You and I'm glad You are able to change my life without worrying I'll turn from You. Having that security only makes me want to hold on that much more. Give me the grace and the patience to see things Your way and give me the courage to accept that I'm not in control. I give myself to you, Lord, do what you will.

Amen.

I'm going to miss you, I can't even look at all the things that remind me of you right now. I'm sitting alone in the dark, surrounded by your memories, and afraid of the light. I don't want to sleep for fear of dreaming of you. I don't want to talk to anyone for fear of empathy. I just want to miss you. I don't want hard feelings or sadness to accompany me on this long road of self discovery. I want to say that you helped me. I want you to know that I loved you. Love you. That will never change. I'm not angry. I don't wish I'd never met you or regret anything we shared. It's a shame that it didn't continue, but what else can you do with stagnant water but throw it out and try again? Thank you for the past six months of my life. I had fun while it lasted. I'm sorry it didn't work. It's not your fault and it's not mine. It's just something that needed to happen, like you said. I don't know if this is goodbye forever, but it is goodbye.