just friends.

Nothing sounds better right now. Usually, "can't we be just friends?" doesn't exactly come with the best emotions attached. But I'd rather be his friend and be ok with just that than never talk to him and miss out on his life. Especially to have him miss out on mine. I always feel better after I see him. After I talk with him. During, he actually frustrates me pretty bad. But after, I'm happy again. It's like he infuriatingly knows everything that I'm doing wrong and isn't afraid to point it out. So yeah, hearing that isn't fun. I get defensive and stubborn. But I know he's right. It's refreshing. And after it sinks in for a bit, it's like everything is clear again. This friendship is definitely going to be one of the hardest I've had. But I also want it the most. He keeps me focused. I've never had someone like that. He cares. And not because of what he may get out of it. I don't even really know if he gets anything out of knowing me and staying close... But he cares about me and wants me to be happy. Thank you.

my side.

I'm not on it. I don't know what I'm looking for. I want to be left alone but at the same time, I want to be chased. I want to be worth it and I want it to all go back to the way it was. It seems as though nothing will ever turn out the way it was supposed to. Not only am I not part of the designing team, but at this point I'm not even allowed to remove the blindfold. Pushed this way and that, how can I be sure to trust the shovers? How do I distinguish between the right and the wrong? The good and the bad? The only thing I'm sure of is my own motives. And if I can't even tell myself how to be happy, how can I trust me either? So, I'm not even on my side anymore. I'm faking everything from smiling to breathing. Nothing is natural as it should be. Understanding the way I used to be hasn't helped. I've relapsed and I find comfort in the sin. Only this time, I'm acknowledging that it's wrong. It's not good and it's shameful. I don't want anyone to know about it and I don't want to own up to it, but then I don't want to hurt him either. He has changed so much and I feel like I'm dragging him back down our old paths. This is why I'm not on my side. I want it all back but I don't want it to be caught. Then I think, I can be better than this. Truth is, I can't. This is all I have. I don't know how to be the me I want to be without his help. I didn't even know I existed until he showed me how to draw the curtains. Open the window. Let the sunshine in. Live. And now that I can see that it's over, I've lost my way and I don't know who I can lie to anymore. Not even I believe me. Why would anyone else? Why even try? What's the drive if it doesn't make you feel whole? That's all I really want. I don't want to be empty anymore. I don't want to feel like this is never going to go away. But since I'm convinced already, I'm removing all I can from the picture. Break it up and hope that it'll dissipate on it's own. Say goodbye to all I know. Slap my comfort zones in the face, cry out loud and hope that no one listens. I'm taking myself out of the picture. Leaving. I want so badly for this to work that i'm banking my entire life on it.

If I hurt you, I'm sorry. And when this, like all other great plans, fails, please let me come back home. Forgive me for wanting peace. I'll accept my mistake and move on. Hopefully that'll be all I'll have left at that point. What's the point?

you wish.

Tunnels. Dandelions. Shooting stars. Eyelashes. We've all done it. But have you ever thought about how silly it is? You wish. And you make it something special, something you really want. Who are you asking? Who are you wishing to? Who is gonna make that happen? I have a better plan. Pray. Bridges. Grass. Sunlight. Tears. We all need to do it. Have you ever wondered how many lives would be changed if we took just a second of passing time to remember our friends, family and enemies in a prayer? It's easy. I pray for strangers every time I see a rushing ambulance with the sirens flaring up. Every time I see a child in a stroller on the sidewalk. Every time and any time I need Him. Make Him a part of your every day routine. Don't ever underestimate my Jesus. He'll listen to whatever you have to say. Even if you can't find the words. He knows your heart. He'll feel your thoughts. And He'll know how to comfort you. He will show you just how much you amount to. He'll put peace in your mind and He'll find a way to tell you that you are His everything and He can never love you more than He already does. He will take your heart in His and give you everything it desires without a second thought. When has a dandelion ever done so much?

breathe it.

On a shorter note, I love my sisters to no end. I don't know where they get their strength from, but I want to pay tribute to one of the rules they live by. I wish I hadn't been so stubborn and hard hearted before. I could have been a role model for them, I could have been a good example. Turns out, that's what they are to me. Younger, slightly taller, and wiser in the ways of the Lord than I; Be loved, sweet girls. You deserve everything heaven can offer you.
Hillary, your compassion will cause the world to spin the other way. You will work wonders by your heart. Your love has already changed so many lives. You will be praised on earth and above for your faith and your passion in God. And yet, you don't truly understand how wonderful you are. You are so dear to my soul.
Kara, your fire will ignite the fierce wilderness of this world that darkness has taken grasp of. Your light will shine in the darkest corners of depression and destruction. You will bring peace to the fearful and you don't even know how powerful you are when you unleash your love. You are kept close to my heart at all times.
You both inspire me to be better than others expect possible simply because you are more true to yourselves than I ever have been. There is a deep attraction to you from your faith and drive that is noticed by all. I hope one day to be as alluring as you.

This is the line they live by, the line I want to apply to my every day life. This is something it wouldn't hurt you to try. I know I'm going to...

"God is love, and love is like oxygen. Breathe it in."

let go.

I must say, that has to be one of my favorite phrases. It can be used so many different ways. Let go of your past. Let go of your fear. Let go of your senses. Let go of your control. Let go of you. Wish I could. But I'm trying. I want to have a permanent reminder that I'm moving forward, something that I can read and be comforted by, inspired by. This is my attempt. I sure hope I can use this later, sure hope it works.
Let go of your past. Dad, I forgive you. Not because you asked me to, but because I'm tired of not having you in my life. I've been angry long enough. You're only human, and humans were designed to make mistakes. How could I not accept you for just the way you are? It's not in my power to judge. You hurt me. Maybe not on purpose, but there it is. I've spent the last ten years of my life trying to hurt you back and I'm ashamed to admit that it worked. No matter what I do or what I say or how many times I 'forget' your birthday or leave in the middle of fathers day dinner to be with someone 'more important', it never feels like enough. It will never be enough. Revenge is a dangerous lifestyle. An empty one. I don't want it anymore. I want to love you the way a daughter should love her father. This is my turning point. This is where I let go of my hate.
Let go of your fear. Stepping out of my box is something I don't have much practice with. I've built my walls ten feet high all around me and it's getting to the point where I'm not even sure the sunlight can get in anymore. I only keep them there because I'm so afraid of everything on the other side. In my box, I know I'm safe. But what is safe? I'm so naive to the world around me that I can't even really know what I'm scared of anymore. I don't even know what's out there. It's time I kicked the walls down. Exposed my true feelings, wants, desires. That's all it really is, right? Afraid to be seen as I am? Because what if I'm not good enough? What if I don't live up to your expectations? What if I don't fit in? Screw that... I'll make up my own 'in' crowd, even if I'm the only name on the list. I'll be good enough for the important ones. Me and God. I will be loved on such a higher level that I won't need anyone else's acceptance. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to start living. This is my victory. This is where I let go of my hesitation.
Let go of your senses. To be in tune with everything in this world is tiring. I see things I don't want to see, hear things I shouldn't. Feel things I want to forget about and remember things I wish had never happened. To have so many things bouncing around in my head is inadvertently complicating the one thing that should be so simple. I want to see it all, more than what my physical senses are capable of providing. These things around me are diverting my attention from the soul reason I was born, created, designed. I want to be focused. I want the air I breathe to be clear without pollution. I want the fog in my head to dissipate. And I know it's bound to happen, but I don't want to make more mistakes that what is necessary for me to learn from. So, change my speech and clothe my body. Make me desirable in the appropriate ways. Guard my ears and protect my innocence. Keep me safe in Your warm embrace. I want to be pure and whole with Your grace. I want to be clean and bright with Your love. All these earthly things are getting in the way. Help me see past them and use me to share your Word. I don't want to be a saint, that's not what I'm asking for. I'm not seeking perfection. I simply don't want to be led astray by the evils of this world. I want clarity and peace. This is where I open my eyes. This is where I let go of my confinement.
Let go of your control. It was never there in the first place. I thought I had a say in this. And to a point, I do. But not before I accept that it's not up to me. My life is not my own. I'm not here simply to enjoy myself and make mistakes and be forgiven. I'm here for a higher purpose. As soon as I understand that, I'll be shown what decisions He wants me to make. I'll want to honor Him and I'll be happy to do His bidding. That's when it becomes my choice, my decision. It's mine because He gave it to me. He will show me the way. And when I see it, I will want nothing more than to please Him. My heart will be His. Patiently, I wait for Him to decide the time is right. I could be pushy and I could whine, but it will get me nowhere. I could also assume that I know everything and take matters into my own hands. But, I'm pretty sure that would only slow me down. Make it a longer delay. He'll have more things to fix before I'm ready. I don't want to wait, but I will. I want to make Him proud. This is where I submit, wholly. This is where I let go of my freedom.
Let go of you. What good is a heart if it's broken? I need to be one with myself before I can know who I am. I want to thank you for showing me that it's possible. I spent so much of our time together feeling inferior. You had so much of what I wanted that I was jealous and it hindered our relationship. I'm sorry for that. I wish I had your strength. Your courage and Your faith astound me. I want nothing more than to have all of that. I've got a lot of growing up to do, and you were right. Now isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship. It blinds me. Distracts me from the important things. I get wrapped up in feelings and I'll admit that I'm quite the emotional roller coaster. Up and down, twisting and turning, I could have my own amusement park. And that's nothing to be proud of. In order to get that straightened out, I need down time. Close the park for maintenance. Take my walk, alone. I need to say goodbye. I don't want to, but it's for the best. I'm sorry I said those destructive things. It's not your fault. None of it ever was. I was hurt and I needed someone to blame. If I could take it back, I would. If I could only have seen then what I see now, I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place. But God saw more that I did. He saw that I needed you. He knew that you would help me, inspire me. And you did just what you were supposed to. Had I only known that you were placed in my life for a greater purpose than the way I wanted you, I wouldn't need to let go. We could still be friends. But I can't do that now. I got in over my head. I'm not usually a jumper, but you showed me that it's worth it. I don't want to ache anymore. I want to prove to myself that I can move on. This is where I disappear. This is where I let go.

I no longer belong to myself. I am not mine to keep. I am, therefore, not mine to destroy. I will not give up on me and I will not take me into my own hands. I will let go of me and I will let my Father have me. Completely.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Galatians 2:20 NIV.

running away.

I've never done anything adventurous in my life. I've never done anything risky or thrilling or on a whim just because. my actions are always very thought out and planned. I always have an escape route and I always have something to fall back on. Interestingly enough, this is something I've never thought less about. I don't want to plan it. I don't even necessarily want it to work out. I want it to be hard. I want it to be challenging.. And I want to be able to handle it if I don't make it through just right. I want to be in trouble. Every time I think about it, I get an adrenaline rush. I don't ever want that to go away. I don't want to over think it. I want it to stay exactly the way it is... Perfectly unplanned. Under processed. Reckless. I'm just upset that I have so much time. I'm not used to free time. I need it to be filled but I have nothing to fill it with. I have options, but what would that mean to you? Would you ever forgive me if i just gave up and let go? I told you I wouldn't ever do that. But how is it fair for you to do just that when I feel guilty for even thinking of being selfish and having fun without you?
Sidenote:
This was brought to my attention by someone very close to me... I pick the wrong ones. And the wrong ones pick me. My dad treated me like a princess while he was mine. Then he left. He abandoned me. But, he continued to treat me like a princess even though he refused to come back and be a part of my life. I don't know how to forgive him for that; And it's been years. In a way, you did the same thing. All the way up to the end. Going strong. Love me, then leave me. That's one of them. The other? Treat me like scum but stay with me. I'll always love you. Simply because you're still here. You'll never leave me, and you know that I'll never let go of that so you don't care to treat me with respect or love or anyhting decent. You don't need to. You did your part by not leaving. And you know it. But now I know it.
It's my turn to leave. I'm slowly fixing things that should have been fixed a long time ago. But really... What does a fourteen year old girl know about fixing her relationship with her dad when he doesn't want one? How could it have been fixed? Working on it and taking it slowly as it comes is not a cop out. Nothing is ever good enough. It can always be better. I don't understand how you don't see that. This decision may be based on emotions but I don't care. I deserve the right to make my own mistakes. I'm tired of being safe and reserved and sheltered. It's my turn to leave.
And I'm running away.