let go.

I must say, that has to be one of my favorite phrases. It can be used so many different ways. Let go of your past. Let go of your fear. Let go of your senses. Let go of your control. Let go of you. Wish I could. But I'm trying. I want to have a permanent reminder that I'm moving forward, something that I can read and be comforted by, inspired by. This is my attempt. I sure hope I can use this later, sure hope it works.
Let go of your past. Dad, I forgive you. Not because you asked me to, but because I'm tired of not having you in my life. I've been angry long enough. You're only human, and humans were designed to make mistakes. How could I not accept you for just the way you are? It's not in my power to judge. You hurt me. Maybe not on purpose, but there it is. I've spent the last ten years of my life trying to hurt you back and I'm ashamed to admit that it worked. No matter what I do or what I say or how many times I 'forget' your birthday or leave in the middle of fathers day dinner to be with someone 'more important', it never feels like enough. It will never be enough. Revenge is a dangerous lifestyle. An empty one. I don't want it anymore. I want to love you the way a daughter should love her father. This is my turning point. This is where I let go of my hate.
Let go of your fear. Stepping out of my box is something I don't have much practice with. I've built my walls ten feet high all around me and it's getting to the point where I'm not even sure the sunlight can get in anymore. I only keep them there because I'm so afraid of everything on the other side. In my box, I know I'm safe. But what is safe? I'm so naive to the world around me that I can't even really know what I'm scared of anymore. I don't even know what's out there. It's time I kicked the walls down. Exposed my true feelings, wants, desires. That's all it really is, right? Afraid to be seen as I am? Because what if I'm not good enough? What if I don't live up to your expectations? What if I don't fit in? Screw that... I'll make up my own 'in' crowd, even if I'm the only name on the list. I'll be good enough for the important ones. Me and God. I will be loved on such a higher level that I won't need anyone else's acceptance. I don't want to hide anymore. I want to start living. This is my victory. This is where I let go of my hesitation.
Let go of your senses. To be in tune with everything in this world is tiring. I see things I don't want to see, hear things I shouldn't. Feel things I want to forget about and remember things I wish had never happened. To have so many things bouncing around in my head is inadvertently complicating the one thing that should be so simple. I want to see it all, more than what my physical senses are capable of providing. These things around me are diverting my attention from the soul reason I was born, created, designed. I want to be focused. I want the air I breathe to be clear without pollution. I want the fog in my head to dissipate. And I know it's bound to happen, but I don't want to make more mistakes that what is necessary for me to learn from. So, change my speech and clothe my body. Make me desirable in the appropriate ways. Guard my ears and protect my innocence. Keep me safe in Your warm embrace. I want to be pure and whole with Your grace. I want to be clean and bright with Your love. All these earthly things are getting in the way. Help me see past them and use me to share your Word. I don't want to be a saint, that's not what I'm asking for. I'm not seeking perfection. I simply don't want to be led astray by the evils of this world. I want clarity and peace. This is where I open my eyes. This is where I let go of my confinement.
Let go of your control. It was never there in the first place. I thought I had a say in this. And to a point, I do. But not before I accept that it's not up to me. My life is not my own. I'm not here simply to enjoy myself and make mistakes and be forgiven. I'm here for a higher purpose. As soon as I understand that, I'll be shown what decisions He wants me to make. I'll want to honor Him and I'll be happy to do His bidding. That's when it becomes my choice, my decision. It's mine because He gave it to me. He will show me the way. And when I see it, I will want nothing more than to please Him. My heart will be His. Patiently, I wait for Him to decide the time is right. I could be pushy and I could whine, but it will get me nowhere. I could also assume that I know everything and take matters into my own hands. But, I'm pretty sure that would only slow me down. Make it a longer delay. He'll have more things to fix before I'm ready. I don't want to wait, but I will. I want to make Him proud. This is where I submit, wholly. This is where I let go of my freedom.
Let go of you. What good is a heart if it's broken? I need to be one with myself before I can know who I am. I want to thank you for showing me that it's possible. I spent so much of our time together feeling inferior. You had so much of what I wanted that I was jealous and it hindered our relationship. I'm sorry for that. I wish I had your strength. Your courage and Your faith astound me. I want nothing more than to have all of that. I've got a lot of growing up to do, and you were right. Now isn't the best time for me to be in a relationship. It blinds me. Distracts me from the important things. I get wrapped up in feelings and I'll admit that I'm quite the emotional roller coaster. Up and down, twisting and turning, I could have my own amusement park. And that's nothing to be proud of. In order to get that straightened out, I need down time. Close the park for maintenance. Take my walk, alone. I need to say goodbye. I don't want to, but it's for the best. I'm sorry I said those destructive things. It's not your fault. None of it ever was. I was hurt and I needed someone to blame. If I could take it back, I would. If I could only have seen then what I see now, I probably wouldn't have fallen in love with you in the first place. But God saw more that I did. He saw that I needed you. He knew that you would help me, inspire me. And you did just what you were supposed to. Had I only known that you were placed in my life for a greater purpose than the way I wanted you, I wouldn't need to let go. We could still be friends. But I can't do that now. I got in over my head. I'm not usually a jumper, but you showed me that it's worth it. I don't want to ache anymore. I want to prove to myself that I can move on. This is where I disappear. This is where I let go.

I no longer belong to myself. I am not mine to keep. I am, therefore, not mine to destroy. I will not give up on me and I will not take me into my own hands. I will let go of me and I will let my Father have me. Completely.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
Galatians 2:20 NIV.