not really.

I wish this would come out the way I want it to. But the more I try to write it out, the more lost with myself I become. And if I'm lost in my own head, how can I expect anyone else to follow along? I don't need him. I want him. But I want him to be a version of himself I've only seen a few times. Someone I know he'd be good at. Someone who he'd be proud of, but I want him to want it for himself. So how does one go about showing someone how amazing they could be without insulting the person they put on every day? How do I say, "hey you could be so much better if you tried" without saying it? I know he's in there. I'm trying to encourage him subtly, but sometimes I feel like i'm not even getting the messages I'm trying to send him. So subtle! He's already made so much progress, he's so close but I can feel him slipping away. I don't want the slipping away version. I've had that one before and he's no fun. That one's kinda grumpy, 24-7. So this is where I lose myself. It seems like I want the best him for me. Like he should do it for me, not him, even though everyone knows that never works. I want him the way I want him and I don't want him if he's not that person. But what if he doesn't want to be that person? Not just for me either, but for him? What if he's content being a lesser version than what he's capable of? What if I can't make him see it? What if he doesn't care? I can't decide if I'm a selfish person or if I'm actually doing something good for him. Me and him. Him for him and me. Why do I need to be in the picture? I want to help him but what if that line blurs from the "I'll be there for you" to "only if you're in it for me, otherwise, not really"? I know who he could be, and I love him for that. That him is everything I want. That him is perfect. But what if he's not really in to being perfect? What if he was only pretending and that's not really who he is? What if I fell in love with some one who's not really there? Is it wrong to want that person back? Or not really?