impatiently yours.

Do you ever want to fall apart? Just to get it over with I mean. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out. Sometimes I catch myself looking forward to it. Because as soon as it happens, I'll be able to look ahead and see nothing but greatness shining out from the dark place I'm in. I'll know, at rock bottom, that nothing will get any worse and I only have good times ahead of me. I want the worst to come so I'll stop expecting it. I want life to be a mess. I want everything to go wrong. I want a slap in the face... And I want it to be hard. I want to be able to pull out of it and I want to learn from it. I feel like i'm climbing this hill and it's getting harder to breathe from the lack of oxygen, darker from the lack of sun, but I still don't know what's on the other side. When will I be enveloped in confusion? In complete mayhem, utter chaos? It's getting darker, but when will I not be able to see my own hand in front of my face? I just want to have a breakdown and get it over with so I can say I survived. I want a story and I want to be through this gray period of just being. I want to get to a better place and the only way I see that happening is if I get to a worse place first. I want something to go wrong so I can finally see what my problem has been all along. Basically, I want what I want and I want it right now. Some people may say that's selfish or that I need to let things naturally run it's course. But why? Why should I wait for something to happen all on its own if I know it's coming? Why can't I help it along? I'm not saying I'm gonna try and put myself in dangerous or stupid situations... But if I pray for a resolution to all this bleakness, isn't that the same thing? Open my eyes Lord, show me where I need to be. And if I need to make some more mistakes along the way, then so be it. Bring them on. I'm not afraid to live and I'm not afraid to mess up. I just want to get there. I'm very impatiently waiting.