a mess.

Going in reverse, I can see myself start to slowly unwind all that I've been building up. It started as a solid structure. Or at least nearly solid. But then something happened. I left the gate unlocked and the darkness came in. Piece by piece it's breaking apart revealing the small, sad creature inside. All the effort to seemingly repair the silent suffering is all being washed away by the constant and steady flow of inadequacy. I must have done it wrong, otherwise it wouldn't have been just a shell protecting the person I never wanted to be.

Was it just an act? Was everything I thought I had achieved just a wall I'd put up to hide what was really going on inside? Feels like it. Back to the same old tricks. A smile paired with a broken heart. The oh so familiar gimmick that says 'you're not good enough' every second of the day. A confidence drop in will as well as weight. The same waking nightmare that is reality come to steal me from myself. A slip so sudden, I forget what it felt like to be on higher ground. Better ground. 

How can something so perfect be so full of deceit where I didn't even realize I was faking it the whole time? Was I faking it? Is there hope or am I destined to feel this way forever? I thought I had it conquered. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had help and I thought I was going to make it out alive. How can something so real be so full of hot air where I didn't even realize I was the one stealing my own flames? 

God, I need You to help me fan the fire. I don't want to be lost. I want to find my focus. Don't let me lose sight of You. You're all I have. You're all I can have. You're all I need. I feel like I used to though, Lord. Like I need someone else to make me happy. Like I have a hole in my heart that needs filling. Like I can't make it on my own. I thought I was ready to let You make me happy. I thought I was ready to let You fill that void. I thought I was ready to let You help me make it. Just the two of us. I need Your strength inside me now more than ever. I'm afraid I won't get through this battle without losing a part of me I'm not so sure I know. Who is this girl who desperately wants Your love? Who is she to fall away from You and why should she deserve to be picked back up again? This girl who's will isn't strong enough even for the smallest temptations. This girl who can see the difference yet still lacks the power to choose the right. This girl who doesn't understand where things went so wrong. If I lose her, who will I be? Without her, what do I believe in anymore? How will I know who I want to be if she's not there to tell me who I'm not? You know my heart. You know my pain. You know my struggle. Please help me find Your way. Where did I get lost? What happened to me? Why am I such a mess?