you asked.

And I couldn't answer. Because until you asked, I was okay. Until you admitted inadvertently that you were thinking of me, I was great. and until you flooded my heart all over again with your concern and all around amazing 'you-ness', I was phenomenal. Up until my night was interrupted with memories of you, I was lying. I couldn't answer. I didn't know if i was 'doing oky' anymore. This was your idea, and I agreed. I agreed to it because you wanted it. I never wanted to exit your life. And I sure didn't want you to leave me alone in mine. That means you broke your promise. For me to break the silence means I'm a stupid girl who can't get you out of her head. It means I don't like your plan. It means I'm not strong enough to keep my distance from you. It means I want to be near you too bad. For you to break it means you were wrong. And if you were going to be wrong, why break my heart in the first place? I both hope and fear it means you still care. I don't need to know that. Because it means i'm still there, in your head, in your prayers, in your life. Except I'm not. You didn't want me to be there. So am I doing okay? No. I'm not. After everything we tried,

I miss you. 

Still.

I pray that I'll find the words to respond to you tomorrow, but please don't be upset when you learn that I ignored you at first. You asked, and I couldn't answer. I didn't know anymore. Even after all this time and all my efforts to replace you and all my contradicting thoughts on how to remember you, I don't know if I'm okay yet. I wish I was. I've been asking God to take the love for you out of my heart if it's not part of His plan. For months I've been begging. But it never goes away. He never said, "Ok Laurel, you can have your heart back. It doesn't belong to him anymore. Keep it safe, for I have a gift for give you. Love, in return. I don't want you to miss out on it, so I'll make it whole again. He doesn't even get to keep one piece. It's all yours. I'll help you guard it this time. I'll tell you when the time is right to light it on fire. Because you deserve it all." I'm still waiting for that to happen. I want it to happen. I want to be freed of you. I want to be able to look back and remember what good times we had together without wishing it never ended. I want to be able to start over, to get it right. to let the fire blaze. But I never got my heart back. I have been discouraged. The fire I lit with you has been slowly dying, and I cannot tend to it to make it glow. You don't want it to. 'Leave no trails.' But now I'm following a trail. You left it when you asked. I found that you still have it. I found that even now, 

I love you.

Still.

I wanted to tell you that I'm okay, but I'm not. I shouldn't have to tell you. I feel like you should already know. But then again,

you asked.