just notice.

I need it back. That fire that wasn't ever contained.  It breathed life into me and what am I let with now? That's just it. What am I left with. Where is it? What happened? Have I lost focus again Lord? Have I ruined everything one last time? Am I going to recover? I have all these questions and no one ever answers me. Am I asking at the wrong time? Am I not listening? Teach me to listen. Because I know I've heard You before. I know You're there. But something's missing. My friendships are falling apart. Family is falling apart. There's new people I'm not so sure of. I feel like I can't think. I can't move without starting a new wave of anxiety. A new rush of fear. I'm bleeding myself dry. And for what? To continue to go unnoticed? I'm bleeding. And it never stops. I don't want it to. Sometimes I feel like if I heal, I'll never amount to anything. Like, to suffer is to live. I can't have one without the other. I won't. Why? It's not hard to be happy. It's actually really easy. Really easy to look happy. Smile. Crinkle your eyes a bit. Make a joke. Dare to laugh. But how do you know if you're really happy? Does the sick in your stomach go away when you're happy? Do the nerves ever, really, go away? All I want is to be alone. When I'm alone I can breathe. When I'm alone I can think. I can see things clearly. When I'm alone, I lose it. I turn inward and thoughts like everything above fly in and out of my mind. I'm an over-thinker. I freak out. Then I write it down and I'm okay. I feel okay. That's really what this is all about, right? Learning not to hold things inside? Let it all out, let it all go? Sure. Easier said than done. It's harder to actually say it than to say it's easy to say. It's not easy at all. Does this make me mental? Why can't I ever calm the pulse of my heart! I'm never relaxed! I'm really good at faking it but I feel like I'm wasting time. All time is a waste of time. I should be doing more, I could be working more, playing more, traveling more, praying more. More more more. What will I become? More that you thought I would. And then, there it is. I'm angry at you. I'm upset and I can't tell you. Why won't you just notice?