hurt me.

Apparently, I think I'm something quite special. I treat people like trash and I like it. I lead men on until their hearts break and unfortunately for them, that was my intention the whole time. I don't respect you and I attack you every chance I get. I tear you down on your bad days and I can't find the time to talk on a good one. I always say the wrong thing and I'm never there when you need me. I can't be honest with you and honestly I'd prefer to keep it that way. I don't listen to the truth. I don't listen to what's real in life. Truth be really told, I don't listen to you. Period. I toy with your emotions, drag you along my joyride, and make your worst dreams come true. 

Apparently, I don't even treat my 'friends' with any sort of decency. I don't think they're worth it, so why should you be? You don't automatically get my respect. You can't even earn it. I'm that hard. I'm bitter, and I lie. I cheat and I always have a hidden agenda. What I say is never the whole truth. I'm only protecting my interests, since me is the only person I truly care about. I use you as a punching bag on my bad days as well as my good. I'm never nice. I never have been. Never will be. It's who I am and I don't care enough to change that. I'm rude and inconsiderate of your feelings. I say what's on my mind too often and that's not okay with you. 

Apparently, other people have feelings just like I do. What gives me the right to unintentionally hurt you?

a mess.

Going in reverse, I can see myself start to slowly unwind all that I've been building up. It started as a solid structure. Or at least nearly solid. But then something happened. I left the gate unlocked and the darkness came in. Piece by piece it's breaking apart revealing the small, sad creature inside. All the effort to seemingly repair the silent suffering is all being washed away by the constant and steady flow of inadequacy. I must have done it wrong, otherwise it wouldn't have been just a shell protecting the person I never wanted to be.

Was it just an act? Was everything I thought I had achieved just a wall I'd put up to hide what was really going on inside? Feels like it. Back to the same old tricks. A smile paired with a broken heart. The oh so familiar gimmick that says 'you're not good enough' every second of the day. A confidence drop in will as well as weight. The same waking nightmare that is reality come to steal me from myself. A slip so sudden, I forget what it felt like to be on higher ground. Better ground. 

How can something so perfect be so full of deceit where I didn't even realize I was faking it the whole time? Was I faking it? Is there hope or am I destined to feel this way forever? I thought I had it conquered. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had help and I thought I was going to make it out alive. How can something so real be so full of hot air where I didn't even realize I was the one stealing my own flames? 

God, I need You to help me fan the fire. I don't want to be lost. I want to find my focus. Don't let me lose sight of You. You're all I have. You're all I can have. You're all I need. I feel like I used to though, Lord. Like I need someone else to make me happy. Like I have a hole in my heart that needs filling. Like I can't make it on my own. I thought I was ready to let You make me happy. I thought I was ready to let You fill that void. I thought I was ready to let You help me make it. Just the two of us. I need Your strength inside me now more than ever. I'm afraid I won't get through this battle without losing a part of me I'm not so sure I know. Who is this girl who desperately wants Your love? Who is she to fall away from You and why should she deserve to be picked back up again? This girl who's will isn't strong enough even for the smallest temptations. This girl who can see the difference yet still lacks the power to choose the right. This girl who doesn't understand where things went so wrong. If I lose her, who will I be? Without her, what do I believe in anymore? How will I know who I want to be if she's not there to tell me who I'm not? You know my heart. You know my pain. You know my struggle. Please help me find Your way. Where did I get lost? What happened to me? Why am I such a mess? 

they say.

They can't make you happy. Maybe for the long run that's true. People are people, and people make mistakes. But boy can they make you smile. I'm blessed to have the most amazing friends. Friends that don't care when you haven't spoken for a week. Ehh it's okay you were busy! Friends who can read you like flashing neon sign. 'HELP WANTED' even when you say that you're okay. Friends who drive you nuts, but at the end of the day you still love them because you know they'll always love you. Good friends who have to same standards and principals and morals are hard to find. Even though I can count my good friends on one hand, I know they're there to be counted forever. Now that' security. There are only a few people in life that will never let you down and who will accept all the different sides of you. Hang on to those people. And when you hear, "people always leave"? Don't believe a word they say.  

grow up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still a little kid. In more ways than one, but specifically in Gods eyes. There is so much to be learned, so much to live through. There are things that I'll never understand, things I'll never have control over. I feel like there's so much to see and my little eyes won't ever be able to take it all in. This is the way it was intended. And most of the time, I can be content with the unknown. There's an innocence in a child that's so enticing. I want to be held and I want to be loved and I don't want to question. 

But then, sometimes I want to know everything. I want to be used. I don't want to sit back and be okay just there along for the ride. I want to be seen as an adult who can take everything that comes my way. I don't want to have my hand held every step of the way. I want to prove myself. I feel like there is so much I could do if I could just let go. I want to mature in Christ and I want to be an influence. I want to burst aflame with Jesus in my heart. I know I could make a difference. If I knew I could handle it.

Being the child is so much sweeter. But maturing with God is so much what I want and I don't know if its possible to do both. Can we be both his child and his warrior? Can we hold his hand as we move the world? Can we follow blindly when so many questions are being asked of us? Can we be held and yet, hold others? Is it enough to love and be loved? 

Being young in Christ has it's perks.. My faith has yet to be shaken. I haven't run out of steam, and everything is still new. My energy has just erupted from a volcano of unseen depths. My body isn't tired and my spirit isn't weak with trial. I have begun to experience what it feels like to bleed grace. In more ways than one, I'm still a child. Both versions are everything I am and everything I crave.

I know we are all children in His eyes, but sometimes I just want to grow up.

find me.

I've been having a hard time with myself lately. Who am I? Really? Not who do I want to be, or who have I been up to this point in the past... but right now. Who am I right now? If someone were to ask me that question in the next five seconds, I would have no clue how to answer. How do you answer that anyway? Who are you? I'm me. Just me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know me very well... obviously. Or it would be simple. I can describe anyone I care about down to the first time they discovered that little freckle on their ear, or the reason they can't tell their dad they love him. I could tell you that my best friend is the most amazing speller in the world. I could tell you that my sisters both have an addiction to laughter. I could tell you all of these things about all these people that I've observed and spent time getting to know, but I can't tell you why I'm me. 

I've been having a hard time looking into my own heart. Sometimes I think I don't want to because I'm afraid of what I'll find. Am I a jealous person? Do I frown more than I smile? Do I draw others to the Lord or do I drive them away? Did I make it all up or did it really happen? Do I secretly wish harm on others? Do I openly wish harm on others? Why does it take me so long to forget if I say I've forgiven? Why can't I figure out what I want to go to school for? How often do I lie? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why can't I just get out there and dance? 

I've been having a hard time opening up to God and letting him see me see myself. When I put the smallest fraction of all the questions buzzing around in my head daily down in a list, like those above, it's already overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine that God already knows all the answers to those questions and loves me anyway. And it got me thinking. How often does God have to wait for us to figure ourselves out before we realize that it's pointless? Who am I. I don't know. I'm me. Can I even describe who I am by what I do? Is it defined by what I say? Or maybe how I react? What if who I am by all possible answers to those questions isn't who I want to be?

What if I'm lost?

I need time to figure me out. I want to fix all the things I'm not proud of. And I know I can't do that alone. No one can do it alone. No one can do that even with the help of every friend in the world. Because your true friend is often the only friend we forget to ask. I forget to ask. 

Something really cool happened the other day when I was in a meeting at Starbucks with Cindy. I love Cindy. Not only does she encourage me when I think I've got it all together but she challenges me when I feel all hope is lost. That seems backwards, right? That's why I love her. She shows me what I can't see. She sees behind the stage and draws the curtains. At this particular meeting, I was talking about how I felt the need to pray like others pray. Go on and on and have all this insight and fluently explain not just who needs prayers but why, how and when they got stuck. I felt I needed to be loud and bubbly and pumped in my prayers and if I wasn't, I was doing it wrong and they'd have to re-do the prayer and.... and mid-sentence, she stopped me. 

Laurel, you're not loud or bubbly. You're quiet and straightforward. You get to the point, short and sweet. You use simple, honest language in your everyday speech. So why would God want you to be someone else for him? Why would He want to sit up there and look at you saying "Who is this girl talking to me right now? Certainly no one I know...?" You aren't praying for those other people to approve of your skills. You're talking to God and He's the only one listening. How do you talk to God when you're just being you?

Oh, well I don't know. Who am I when I'm being me? Do I even know how to be me?

I've also been thinking about a certain John Mayer song. He probably didn't mean for it to have any religious meaning at all, but he makes a good point. "Suppose I said I am on my best behavior. There are times I lose my worried mind. Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out when I'm someone else? And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you. Suppose I said you're my saving grace?" We all get lost. We all need help figuring out who we are. I might confuse myself with someone else at times but with a little help, I'll be just me again. I'll come around. I'll be exactly who I'm supposed to be. For You.

God, You are my saving grace.

I may not know exactly who I am right now, and I may not know how to get to be who I want to be. But along my journey I know I'm not alone. The amazing thing about this is even though I absolutely haven't done anything to deserve God's grace, He wants me. As I am. Proving myself worthy won't do anything for me. I'm the leech of this relationship. He gives me grace and love and peace and kindness and I give Him an "I don't know who I am." Still, that's okay. I want to please Him and I want to be useful in spreading His word, but I don't deserve to be wanted. Yet somehow, I am. Jesus wants me. 

Jesus wants you.

Dirty and lost. Confused and searching, He finds us and takes us under His arm. We're spoken for. Loved. As we are. Even if we don't know who that is, like I don't know who exactly I am, He knows; and He wants us. Even when I'm not myself. God wants me. That should be good enough. I can be patient as I'm found. I got lost. And I'll do it again. But as long as I'm alive, I know my God will come and find me. 

with dreaming.

I think we take dreams too lightly. Or at least, I do. I can't even find the words to describe how happy I am right now that God has the best sense of humor ever, so this is going to be very short. I don't want to give too much away either. Everything about this situation is perfect. There's no way it was a coincidence, because I asked God for clarification. He wouldn't have confused me like that, even if He did tease me afterward. And I'm content to wait for His timing. Because I know what I need to wait for. I must be pretty dense because now that I reflect on it, He tried to answer me many times, I just never noticed. I was too focused on finding the answer myself. So He bonked me on the head to show me. And the only way He could show me was with dreaming. 

Thank You.

every day.

This isn't you anymore.  Those aren't your thoughts and they don't have a hold over you anymore. You can ignore them, it's not going to win this time. You know better, and you are better. This doesn't control your life the way it used to. You have had healing and it's no longer a problem for you. You can beat this want and you will have victory. Because that isn't you anymore.

This is what I have to tell myself. Every day. And every day, I struggle. Myself has come to haunt me. It's even worse than it sounds. To not give in physically hurts. I get an adrenaline rush, my hands go shaky and my vision blurs. I forget to breathe. I think; I'll try to forget again.. Forgetting isn't going to kill me... But deep down I already know it has. Part of me died and I'll never get me back. And for the rest of my life, I have to fight to keep the rest of me alive. Keep me safe, whole, pure. 

This is when I hate that part of me that died all those years ago. I blame it, but I have no right to. It was my choice. I was damaged and I didn't seek help. So it was my choice. That's why I hate it. I should have been stronger. I should have spoken up. But I didn't. I was so young! So now I get to fight against it. Every day. And every day it gets harder. You'd think it'd get easier.. but no. Every day it pulls harder than before. It's desperate for attention. It knows just how to suck me in too, like it has so many times before. 

This isn't you anymore. You gave it to God. It's not your problem, you don't have to fight this alone. 

And this is when I learn to let go. This is when I couldn't love Jesus anymore. Because I can't do it alone. I wouldn't last a second. Only with His help do I stand a chance. Only because of Him do I have a chance. Jesus died on that cross to give me triumph over this sin that grabs at me. So that I would overcome it. And so that I would  never be alone. Never. How awesome is our God? The strength He gives me every day is the only reason I'm healed. 

It's hard, and it sucks because it's part of me. But I don't have to let it drag me down, and I don't have to give it any power in my life. Because I've been saved. For that, I thank Him. Every day. And every day, I have a new hope. Because I know He'll never leave my side and He'll be here fighting with me;

Every day.