best friend.

I feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This feeling is a direct result of my last blog too, which is kind of cool. It makes me wonder why I ever thought staying silent was easier. 

Back up.

I've been stuck inside my own insecurities for a while, unable to talk to my best friend and tell her the honest truth about why I've been distant. In a really round-about way, I was afraid to tell her some things simply because I was afraid to tell her. Anything. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, these things never do. But since I've challenged myself to be more brave, I got the guts to tell her exactly why I'm afraid to tell her why I'm afraid. ...Yes. The round-about problem. No other way to explain it. But now that it's over and everything went back to normal, I can breathe again. I have a best friend again. It just makes me so mad that I believe all these lies I tell myself. That I'm not good enough, or that I'm too much to handle. Where do those lies even come from? Who tells me to tell myself that my problems will go away if I let them fester and rot in my head? That they'll go away if I ignore them? Definitely not God... 

That's what it boils down to. Will I choose to listen to God on a daily basis or will I continue to let Satan inside my head - bringing me down one insecurity at a time? TOUGHT DECISION. God would never let me feel insignificant. He would never tell me I'm not good enough. I just need to learn how to ignore the negative and focus on what God is trying to say. Right now He's telling me that I have a pretty awesome best friend! 

want to.

Being brave, I think, is my weakest point. Courage is something that I've never owned. I'm not a scaredy cat.. I'm just.. More comfortable this way. That's what it comes down to I guess. I'm comfortable with the way things are. With the way things are going. With the people I know. The things I do. With what I'll never say. It's obviously holding me back from things I wish I could do or say, but there it is. That big scary word I don't like to apply. Brave. I'm too afraid of what will happen if something goes wrong. Or if it doesn't work out how I wanted it to. I'm afraid to let myself down. Lame. 

This is a visual for myself to take chances. Risks. Leap. Go for it. Try. Hopefully all this courage I'm seeking after will cause you to do the same. Because I can't ask you to be brave if I can't do it myself.. Can I. That's hypocritical. That's dumb. And honestly, there are some things I wish you'd just say. Things I wish you'd do. But I wouldn't be able to do it either. So I don't blame you. I'm just tired of always holding myself back. I don't know if that's what you do or not. But I just wanted to let you know...

I promise that I'll let you, if you decide you want to.

like me.

I am not myself right now!! There are a number of things that have been happening slash that I have been doing that are uncharacteristic of Laurel. Without naming every single little thing that's been odd, because that would take a while, I'll just tell you one.

I cursed today!! For real! Like, I was mad, I started yelling, and a said a curse word! At someone! I don't DO that! Something is definitely wrong here. Next thing you know I'll be smoking and drinking up a storm! Okay not really, I just severely freaked myself out today. Can someone please help me get to the bottom of this? I can't tell if this change that is taking place is necessarily a bad thing. Yeah swearing might not be so beneficial... for anyone.. But maybe I've been holding myself at a higher standard than I hold other people and this is me.. falling? Which would, in a sense, make me more.. me. Or at least more real. 

Not too long ago I was in a fightslashslapintheface with my best friend. She brought it to my attention that I haven't been very honest with myself.. Therefore making it hard for me to be completely honest with anyone else. Basically that I'm a fake. She said it pretty nicely though. Which I appreciated greatly. But the point is that I need to start being honest. Since I've been aware of this little fun fact.. Everything started changing. I started changing. 

And now I have to decide whether or not I like me. 

this game.

We don't have to live like this, it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm losing sleep when it's all I want to do. Because every time I close my eyes, I dream of you. I'm making myself sick with this secret, but is it really worth getting caught? If it's all out in the open, will this insane routine go away? I try to focus on life, of God, on making myself whole. But I can't. And I'm going crazy. 

I don't like this game. 

ever understand.

I always wonder. I have to. Do we really get it? Love? We try, and we get close, but I don't think we even scratch the surface. I've certainly heard of it.. I hear it every day. But it means something different than it should. It means something selfish to our world. It means heartbreak. It means pain and suffering through a storm just to catch a glimpse of sunlight. And then we feel lucky. But Jesus, it has to be more than that. I've felt it. From You. Love isn't a glimpse of light. It's the burn you get from reaching out and grabbing a handful of sun. Love is drowning happiness. It's the tears You shed, filling up our lungs, making it impossible to speak or even breathe. Love is catching a star on our way to heaven. The one that has our name on it. It's the ache we feel in our throat when we've sang for joy longer than we've been alive. The pounding in our chest that keeps the world turning on it's side when it's too tired to go on. Love is the twisting of our very lives, intertwining us with Your grace and mercy. The ability to hold the sky in our hands. It's the wind we can't quite capture, but makes us feel alive when it swirls through our senses, reminding us that though we are insignificant, we are the most important and treasured of all creations. Love is selfless. Love is an offering of hope, a peek at paradise. Love is Your blood. 

Love. Is. But Jesus, 

Will we ever understand?

hate this.

Good joke, God. You could have let me know sooner, I think. I don't see how it would have been hard to do that, or what I needed to learn from this though I'm sure you'll show me in time. Your time of course. I'm grateful that You closed the door so quickly though so no one really ended up getting hurt. Well, almost no one. This is going to be really hard, isn't it? But even when I don't want to, I'll follow You. 

I hope you know I hate this. 

help it.

I tried. It was easier in the beginning because I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was I going? Or was I staying? Either way, I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to ruin it. So it was easy to stay away, or at a distance at least. I even had help, if I can call it that. She doesn't like the idea forming in my head at all. She convinced me I was being reckless. For a while. But I can't ignore it any more. I tried. And now I can't help it.