be adored.

It's weird when your world gets shaken. Wake up calls are almost surreal. Life as you know it alters when you have a really good epiphany. And sometimes, all it takes is a single smile. 

I was ready to wait. For how long? I don't know. However long it took I suppose. I've been out of it for so long, it didn't feel much different. Wait for this, wait for that, wait till I'm ready, wait till you're ready. It all seemed the same. I didn't think I wasn't getting everything I wanted. It never occurred to me. I forgot what it felt like to be sought after. To be pursued. It took a smile for me to realize that I don't have to settle and wait for happiness. It took a smile for me to remember what I've been holding out for all this time. 

I just want to be adored. 

And I think I've been getting it wrong. All I can think about is reading Hosea. My idea of love has been skewed by the world. I want to be adored, but I'll never know how to handle it if I don't first let Jesus be the one to pursue me. He's the only one who can do it right. He's the only one who knows how. If I get to the point where I'm able to recognize God's passion for me, I'll eventually be able to recognize when he places that love in the man meant just for me. But I have to know what I'm looking for. I need to let Him in. I need to be vulnerable. And I don't think I'm the only one. This goes for everyone. God is waiting for you to let Him adore you. It's all He wants. So let go. 

And be adored. 

right thing.

It's a strange feeling to watch your prayers being answered. People always say you need to be careful what you pray for, and it's completely true! I asked God for a level head. The courage to say what needed to be said, and the will to leave my heart out of it. Sentence by sentence I felt His master plan unfold. I was more brave than I've ever been, I said things I didn't want to say, and I meant it. Keep your head above your heart. It will take you where you need to go. And it hurts. Be careful what you pray for. God will make sure, if it's in your best interest, that it happens. 

And though it hurts, I can't help but feel relieved. It's out in the open. It may not have gone the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going this way. So I'm at least not shocked. I feel like I can breathe again. Let go. Be me. Stop guessing. It was the tears that found my eyes before I reached the top of the stairs that told me I did the right thing.

he was.

I had another dream about it last night. Never a face, just a feeling. A certain familiarity. A specific disgust with him, and myself. I hate feeling dirty. But there it is. And if I try to ignore it, it creeps into my subconscious. Dreams are supposed to be sweet. They're not supposed to force you to re-visit your living nightmares. Every time it's the same too. It starts out completely innocent. This time, I was playing out in the yard with Kara on a summer day. Throwing water balloons and splashing in a pool. Laughing. Then the storm clouds come rolling in, and I can smell the sweat on his chest. He smiles and hides around a corner, waiting. And I'm alone. It's dark, cold, and frightening. I run and run but I never get anywhere. I yell and scream till my throat is hoarse but no sound escapes. I look to whoever I see for help, but no one knows what I'm asking for. No one can hear me. No one cares. They don't get it. So they look away. And he closes in. I fight him off at first, and I'm almost successful. But he wins every time. It always ends this way. I'm taken. Crying and thrashing about, but he's stronger. And I still don't know who he is. 

Who he was. 

my prayer.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable right now. We both know this is the feeling that destroys me. I can usually figure out what's causing it, but not this time. I have multiple guesses, but none really seem to make sense. And it feels like this has been coming for a while now. Otherwise, it wouldn't have all happened at the same time. It's like each small thing I'm worried about has all come out in the open. Maybe I've ignored them for too long and it's just not possible to keep it all inside anymore.. I really don't know. They just seem like such insignificant problems. They don't seem like the type of things that do any real harm. But here I am tonight, God, after spending time with good friends and laughing all night, feeling completely alone. Not physically. But emotionally. I feel like I have no where to turn, yet everything to turn away from. I feel susceptible to doubt and self criticism, I feel like every word spoken is aimed to hurt me. I feel like everything I know to be true is just a curtain hiding something bigger. I think I've worn myself down. My walls are falling and the enemy is drawing near. That's the only explanation I can think of. Because these feelings could never be from You. 

And on top of all that, I feel a rebellious streak coming on. All I want to do are the things I know won't help me in the slightest. I want to do all the things I never did before, to spite myself in a way. I want to be reckless and insensitive. I want to say what I think and do whatever pleases me at the moment. I want to be selfish. The only think keeping me from doing these things is You. I want You to smile when You see me. I want to be Your little girl. I don't want You to see me go off the deep end. But here I am, standing at the edge, ready to jump. Save me. 

Save me, Jesus. From myself, from my insecurities, my doubt, my failings. Save me so I can move past this and live for You. This is my prayer. 

best friend.

I feel as though a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This feeling is a direct result of my last blog too, which is kind of cool. It makes me wonder why I ever thought staying silent was easier. 

Back up.

I've been stuck inside my own insecurities for a while, unable to talk to my best friend and tell her the honest truth about why I've been distant. In a really round-about way, I was afraid to tell her some things simply because I was afraid to tell her. Anything. It doesn't make much sense, but then again, these things never do. But since I've challenged myself to be more brave, I got the guts to tell her exactly why I'm afraid to tell her why I'm afraid. ...Yes. The round-about problem. No other way to explain it. But now that it's over and everything went back to normal, I can breathe again. I have a best friend again. It just makes me so mad that I believe all these lies I tell myself. That I'm not good enough, or that I'm too much to handle. Where do those lies even come from? Who tells me to tell myself that my problems will go away if I let them fester and rot in my head? That they'll go away if I ignore them? Definitely not God... 

That's what it boils down to. Will I choose to listen to God on a daily basis or will I continue to let Satan inside my head - bringing me down one insecurity at a time? TOUGHT DECISION. God would never let me feel insignificant. He would never tell me I'm not good enough. I just need to learn how to ignore the negative and focus on what God is trying to say. Right now He's telling me that I have a pretty awesome best friend! 

want to.

Being brave, I think, is my weakest point. Courage is something that I've never owned. I'm not a scaredy cat.. I'm just.. More comfortable this way. That's what it comes down to I guess. I'm comfortable with the way things are. With the way things are going. With the people I know. The things I do. With what I'll never say. It's obviously holding me back from things I wish I could do or say, but there it is. That big scary word I don't like to apply. Brave. I'm too afraid of what will happen if something goes wrong. Or if it doesn't work out how I wanted it to. I'm afraid to let myself down. Lame. 

This is a visual for myself to take chances. Risks. Leap. Go for it. Try. Hopefully all this courage I'm seeking after will cause you to do the same. Because I can't ask you to be brave if I can't do it myself.. Can I. That's hypocritical. That's dumb. And honestly, there are some things I wish you'd just say. Things I wish you'd do. But I wouldn't be able to do it either. So I don't blame you. I'm just tired of always holding myself back. I don't know if that's what you do or not. But I just wanted to let you know...

I promise that I'll let you, if you decide you want to.

like me.

I am not myself right now!! There are a number of things that have been happening slash that I have been doing that are uncharacteristic of Laurel. Without naming every single little thing that's been odd, because that would take a while, I'll just tell you one.

I cursed today!! For real! Like, I was mad, I started yelling, and a said a curse word! At someone! I don't DO that! Something is definitely wrong here. Next thing you know I'll be smoking and drinking up a storm! Okay not really, I just severely freaked myself out today. Can someone please help me get to the bottom of this? I can't tell if this change that is taking place is necessarily a bad thing. Yeah swearing might not be so beneficial... for anyone.. But maybe I've been holding myself at a higher standard than I hold other people and this is me.. falling? Which would, in a sense, make me more.. me. Or at least more real. 

Not too long ago I was in a fightslashslapintheface with my best friend. She brought it to my attention that I haven't been very honest with myself.. Therefore making it hard for me to be completely honest with anyone else. Basically that I'm a fake. She said it pretty nicely though. Which I appreciated greatly. But the point is that I need to start being honest. Since I've been aware of this little fun fact.. Everything started changing. I started changing. 

And now I have to decide whether or not I like me.