sweetest things.

These past two weeks have easily been the hardest, most monumentally moving two weeks of my life. There's something to be said about silence. It's underrated in my opinion. The world is so full of distractions, it's no wonder people are always saying they never hear God. That He must be ignoring us or somewhere else when we need Him. Think about it. When was the last time you sat in silence and sought after Him? Not just for a few seconds, but for an extended period of time? I didn't realize how completely rude I was being. I was expecting God to show up right when I asked for Him to speak. On my terms. I wasn't listening. These past two weeks I've given up music in my life.. which is a huge deal! I always have music playing. Always. But somehow God made it clear that if I wanted to speak with Him, I would need to rid my life of that distraction. I would need the silence. It wasn't easy.. It's still not easy. But never have I heard God speak like I have now. He talks to me every day. He helps me even with small decisions; what to say, who to talk to, where to turn off of a busy street, where my keys are, when it's time to wake up in the morning, and who needs a word of encouragement... God speaks! I never heard before because I simply wasn't listening. And this came from giving up one of my small distractions. Just one. Imagine of there weren't any at all! This world would be changed.. People would be changed. I would be changed. I'm contemplating releasing this worlds music hold on my life. Not to the extreme of banning it forever, but I don't want to lose the silence. I don't want these conversations with God to ever go away. 

Who knew that in all this deafening silence, I would hear the sweetest things?

don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Lost between what's right and what I want. Is it ever the same thing? I don't know. I've been saying that a lot lately. What are you doing after school? I don't know. Where do you want to get a job? I don't know. Why don't you try something new for a change? I don't know. When will you grow up? I don't know. Who are you?

I don't know. 

I'm stuck. I'm bored and I'm wasting time. And I think the worst part is that it's not even my time to waste. I'm putting my own personalized pause on God's plan for my life because I can't figure anything out. I want to do it all by myself. I want the credit, I want the control. But I don't want the responsibility. It's like I expect everything to be handed to me and that's the end. No one gets anything in return, that's just the way it works. I get what I want, and then I run with it. No thanks necessary. No skills necessary. 

No. Effort. Necessary. 

I'm waiting for something amazing to happen. I get frustrated when it doesn't. I yell out, 'God you're late! You didn't meet my deadlines! What am I supposed to do now?' when all I really need is the patience for God's timing that I don't have. I'm so busy looking for an answer when I haven't even listened to the question. How does that work? It doesn't. It can't. And I can't just accept the fact that I'm never going to know every detail. I'm not going to know why I need to make a certain decision. I don't know what I need. Only God knows that. I've been too focused on what I should do rather than what I can do. And that question I've been missing? God is asking; 'What do you want?'

I don't know. 

so displaced.

I'm angry today God. And I've been angry for a while. I don't understand this mess I've been in and I don't understand why it won't just go away. I don't understand why You can't make it go away. I know that there's a lesson to be learned from every situation, but in order for that to happen, the situation has to end first... Right? So why isn't it ENDING? Why can't I just be happy? Why can't I feel loved and cherished the way I know You want me to? I feel like even though I'm trying to lean on You through all of this, it's still getting worse. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. With the people closest to me pushing me away and this looming decision to make that I know will change the course of my life forever, I feel like I should be making some progress somewhere. Nothing.

I should be able to deal with moving away from home. I should be able to handle being uprooted suddenly, without warning and without regard to my comfort level. I should be able to because life happens. And I have You. So why can't I get my tongue in check? Why can't I stop saying these hurtful things to my family? I don't have the right to dishonor them no matter how fast they're pushing me out. But I can't gain control of my emotions. I can't smile when my sister enters the room. I can't say 'welcome home' to my mother for these last few weeks when we both live here. I can't be patient with the rest of them because I know that no one is on my side. I don't have a side. I'm just disappearing and no one could be happier. Why is this happening, and why do I feel this way about it? Why can't I get over it already??

And Peru is so far away, yet so close. I need to make my decision. You told me You gave me the answer. If that's true, then why do I have such a heavy heart? I want to follow You. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to be ready. But I'm not. And this upsets me. It upsets me most because I know I can do better. I know I could handle it, and I know that You'd never give me a task too big for me to take on. Yet I still feel the pull to stay home. Go to school, the desire I hope will never go away. Prepare myself for the life I know You have planned for me. But am I just procrastinating? Is Peru my first step in a long succession of missions for You? Or is it just an opportunity where the door could have just as easily been closed as open? I don't know what to choose, God. I don't know where to turn. If I'm not supposed to feel this way, please either shove me out or close the door. I'm sick of straddling the entryway, afraid to move. Afraid to take a step. In or out. I need your help to choose. 

All of this is happening and as mad and hurt as I am that I can't do anything about any of it, I can't help thinking that I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have You. If I couldn't talk to You and tell You about my fears, I would be lost without a light to turn to. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely lost. The difference is that YOU are my light that I can turn to when things go wrong. You are the hand I want to hold. You are the smile I want to see. You are the mood I want to be in, the song I want to sing, and the scent I want to wear every day. Jesus, it's becoming clear to me that even I'm not on my side. Only You are. Please, show me where You are so I can be with you. That's all I want. I'm searching and longing to find you. Reach out and pull me up. I don't understand how I became so displaced. 

hurt me.

Apparently, I think I'm something quite special. I treat people like trash and I like it. I lead men on until their hearts break and unfortunately for them, that was my intention the whole time. I don't respect you and I attack you every chance I get. I tear you down on your bad days and I can't find the time to talk on a good one. I always say the wrong thing and I'm never there when you need me. I can't be honest with you and honestly I'd prefer to keep it that way. I don't listen to the truth. I don't listen to what's real in life. Truth be really told, I don't listen to you. Period. I toy with your emotions, drag you along my joyride, and make your worst dreams come true. 

Apparently, I don't even treat my 'friends' with any sort of decency. I don't think they're worth it, so why should you be? You don't automatically get my respect. You can't even earn it. I'm that hard. I'm bitter, and I lie. I cheat and I always have a hidden agenda. What I say is never the whole truth. I'm only protecting my interests, since me is the only person I truly care about. I use you as a punching bag on my bad days as well as my good. I'm never nice. I never have been. Never will be. It's who I am and I don't care enough to change that. I'm rude and inconsiderate of your feelings. I say what's on my mind too often and that's not okay with you. 

Apparently, other people have feelings just like I do. What gives me the right to unintentionally hurt you?

a mess.

Going in reverse, I can see myself start to slowly unwind all that I've been building up. It started as a solid structure. Or at least nearly solid. But then something happened. I left the gate unlocked and the darkness came in. Piece by piece it's breaking apart revealing the small, sad creature inside. All the effort to seemingly repair the silent suffering is all being washed away by the constant and steady flow of inadequacy. I must have done it wrong, otherwise it wouldn't have been just a shell protecting the person I never wanted to be.

Was it just an act? Was everything I thought I had achieved just a wall I'd put up to hide what was really going on inside? Feels like it. Back to the same old tricks. A smile paired with a broken heart. The oh so familiar gimmick that says 'you're not good enough' every second of the day. A confidence drop in will as well as weight. The same waking nightmare that is reality come to steal me from myself. A slip so sudden, I forget what it felt like to be on higher ground. Better ground. 

How can something so perfect be so full of deceit where I didn't even realize I was faking it the whole time? Was I faking it? Is there hope or am I destined to feel this way forever? I thought I had it conquered. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had help and I thought I was going to make it out alive. How can something so real be so full of hot air where I didn't even realize I was the one stealing my own flames? 

God, I need You to help me fan the fire. I don't want to be lost. I want to find my focus. Don't let me lose sight of You. You're all I have. You're all I can have. You're all I need. I feel like I used to though, Lord. Like I need someone else to make me happy. Like I have a hole in my heart that needs filling. Like I can't make it on my own. I thought I was ready to let You make me happy. I thought I was ready to let You fill that void. I thought I was ready to let You help me make it. Just the two of us. I need Your strength inside me now more than ever. I'm afraid I won't get through this battle without losing a part of me I'm not so sure I know. Who is this girl who desperately wants Your love? Who is she to fall away from You and why should she deserve to be picked back up again? This girl who's will isn't strong enough even for the smallest temptations. This girl who can see the difference yet still lacks the power to choose the right. This girl who doesn't understand where things went so wrong. If I lose her, who will I be? Without her, what do I believe in anymore? How will I know who I want to be if she's not there to tell me who I'm not? You know my heart. You know my pain. You know my struggle. Please help me find Your way. Where did I get lost? What happened to me? Why am I such a mess? 

they say.

They can't make you happy. Maybe for the long run that's true. People are people, and people make mistakes. But boy can they make you smile. I'm blessed to have the most amazing friends. Friends that don't care when you haven't spoken for a week. Ehh it's okay you were busy! Friends who can read you like flashing neon sign. 'HELP WANTED' even when you say that you're okay. Friends who drive you nuts, but at the end of the day you still love them because you know they'll always love you. Good friends who have to same standards and principals and morals are hard to find. Even though I can count my good friends on one hand, I know they're there to be counted forever. Now that' security. There are only a few people in life that will never let you down and who will accept all the different sides of you. Hang on to those people. And when you hear, "people always leave"? Don't believe a word they say.  

grow up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still a little kid. In more ways than one, but specifically in Gods eyes. There is so much to be learned, so much to live through. There are things that I'll never understand, things I'll never have control over. I feel like there's so much to see and my little eyes won't ever be able to take it all in. This is the way it was intended. And most of the time, I can be content with the unknown. There's an innocence in a child that's so enticing. I want to be held and I want to be loved and I don't want to question. 

But then, sometimes I want to know everything. I want to be used. I don't want to sit back and be okay just there along for the ride. I want to be seen as an adult who can take everything that comes my way. I don't want to have my hand held every step of the way. I want to prove myself. I feel like there is so much I could do if I could just let go. I want to mature in Christ and I want to be an influence. I want to burst aflame with Jesus in my heart. I know I could make a difference. If I knew I could handle it.

Being the child is so much sweeter. But maturing with God is so much what I want and I don't know if its possible to do both. Can we be both his child and his warrior? Can we hold his hand as we move the world? Can we follow blindly when so many questions are being asked of us? Can we be held and yet, hold others? Is it enough to love and be loved? 

Being young in Christ has it's perks.. My faith has yet to be shaken. I haven't run out of steam, and everything is still new. My energy has just erupted from a volcano of unseen depths. My body isn't tired and my spirit isn't weak with trial. I have begun to experience what it feels like to bleed grace. In more ways than one, I'm still a child. Both versions are everything I am and everything I crave.

I know we are all children in His eyes, but sometimes I just want to grow up.