this game.

We don't have to live like this, it doesn't have to be this hard. I'm losing sleep when it's all I want to do. Because every time I close my eyes, I dream of you. I'm making myself sick with this secret, but is it really worth getting caught? If it's all out in the open, will this insane routine go away? I try to focus on life, of God, on making myself whole. But I can't. And I'm going crazy. 

I don't like this game. 

ever understand.

I always wonder. I have to. Do we really get it? Love? We try, and we get close, but I don't think we even scratch the surface. I've certainly heard of it.. I hear it every day. But it means something different than it should. It means something selfish to our world. It means heartbreak. It means pain and suffering through a storm just to catch a glimpse of sunlight. And then we feel lucky. But Jesus, it has to be more than that. I've felt it. From You. Love isn't a glimpse of light. It's the burn you get from reaching out and grabbing a handful of sun. Love is drowning happiness. It's the tears You shed, filling up our lungs, making it impossible to speak or even breathe. Love is catching a star on our way to heaven. The one that has our name on it. It's the ache we feel in our throat when we've sang for joy longer than we've been alive. The pounding in our chest that keeps the world turning on it's side when it's too tired to go on. Love is the twisting of our very lives, intertwining us with Your grace and mercy. The ability to hold the sky in our hands. It's the wind we can't quite capture, but makes us feel alive when it swirls through our senses, reminding us that though we are insignificant, we are the most important and treasured of all creations. Love is selfless. Love is an offering of hope, a peek at paradise. Love is Your blood. 

Love. Is. But Jesus, 

Will we ever understand?

hate this.

Good joke, God. You could have let me know sooner, I think. I don't see how it would have been hard to do that, or what I needed to learn from this though I'm sure you'll show me in time. Your time of course. I'm grateful that You closed the door so quickly though so no one really ended up getting hurt. Well, almost no one. This is going to be really hard, isn't it? But even when I don't want to, I'll follow You. 

I hope you know I hate this. 

help it.

I tried. It was easier in the beginning because I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know what was going to happen. Was I going? Or was I staying? Either way, I didn't know how to act. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to ruin it. So it was easy to stay away, or at a distance at least. I even had help, if I can call it that. She doesn't like the idea forming in my head at all. She convinced me I was being reckless. For a while. But I can't ignore it any more. I tried. And now I can't help it. 

you are.

¹³ Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. ¹⁴ And do everything with love. 1 Corinthians 16.

Is this who you are? Is it who you will be? 

Be on guard. To give protection; keep watch; be watchful. To take precautions.

For what? From what? Be on our guard against...? Everything. I believe there's a reason this first sentence is so broad and general. Be on your guard. Period. Sounds exhausting. It's not easy, but it's the only way to survive. Guard everything you possess and everything you are. If you can name it, you must guard it. Guard your heart. Your mind. Your soul. Your innocence. Your ears. Your eyes. Your tongue. Your actions. Your thoughts. Be on guard. Don't let the wall down ever for a second. Because that's when the attack will strike. It's tough. And you'll want to quit. Don't. Always be on guard. 

Stand firm in the faith. Belief and trust in the unseen. Confidence in truth not based on facts. 

Truth. Unseen. Do not be swayed. Know what you believe in and preach it with every fiber in your being! Live in faith, walk in faith. Lead. By. Faith. That's where you meet God. You are not alone and you don't need to be afraid of what's coming next. You may not know that next step, but faith in the Lord will give you peace about your future. You will be confident that He has you in his arms. You will, without a doubt, make it through whatever this life and the evils of this world throw at you if you simply have faith that God loves you. Stand firm in that faith. 

Be courageous. Without fear. To act in accordance with one's beliefs, especially in spite of criticism.

It's our job to run into the fire. Face our fears. Stand up for what we believe in and essentially ignore the people who try to tear us down. What are we afraid of anyway? What can this world do to us that our God can't save us from? What even is  there to be afraid of when we think like that? Are we afraid of rejection? So what. If we aren't willing to be ridiculed for our faith, then we're not willing to lead people to Jesus. Afraid of dying? Why? All that will happen in that case is a good  thing. Afraid to stand out? Afraid to go against the grain? Afraid we won't fit in? Selfish. My pastor recently said that we are born with two fears. The fear of falling, and the fear of loud noises. Have you gotten over those yet? Good. Now go out, share the word, and have courage. 

Be strong. Power of resisting force, strain, or wear. Unwavering. 

This is not talking about physical strength. No human can defeat the devil alone, no matter how physically strong he or she is. Our bodies are temporary. Only the strength from God can keep us alive after our bodies have gone. So be strong. Know the Lord. Keep Him in your pocket everywhere you go. Use Him in everything you do. He is your only weapon, your only hope. The power God has is infinite and He wants to share it with you! It would be extremely unwise to think we can do it on our own. How could we have so much faith in ourselves? We are nothing without the strength of God. So use it. Be strong. 

And do everything with love. 

No definition necessary. The world has a skewed view on love. We often confuse it with lust. We dismiss it as a feeling or affection towards another person. We portray it in a negative light by 'falling' in love.We discredit love by mixing it with our fear of loneliness. We use it to often and too loosely. I love your hair. I'm in love with this actor. We were sooo in love but then we broke up a week later. Do you not see a pattern here? It's clear to me that our world needs a refresher course in love. I promise it would be the shortest class in History. It would consist of one sentence, and one mental image. God is Love and Love is Jesus on the Cross. Do everything with love. Unselfish. Without limit. ⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1Corinth. 13).

This is why we are called to a higher purpose than simply existing. This world is nothing without Love. Nothing without God. We can ignore it and we can pretend we don't need it anymore. We can convince even ourselves that we've found something better. Something easier. We'll replace love with passion and desire; with lust. We will wave it off as something only found in fairy tales. But what we need to understand is that when we know God, we're in that fairy tale! It exists and it's the most wonderful knowledge no one can take away from you when you feel God's love! There's no getting around it. 

Because love will last forever. And if God is love? Then God will last forever. With all of this in mind, is this who you are?

sweetest things.

These past two weeks have easily been the hardest, most monumentally moving two weeks of my life. There's something to be said about silence. It's underrated in my opinion. The world is so full of distractions, it's no wonder people are always saying they never hear God. That He must be ignoring us or somewhere else when we need Him. Think about it. When was the last time you sat in silence and sought after Him? Not just for a few seconds, but for an extended period of time? I didn't realize how completely rude I was being. I was expecting God to show up right when I asked for Him to speak. On my terms. I wasn't listening. These past two weeks I've given up music in my life.. which is a huge deal! I always have music playing. Always. But somehow God made it clear that if I wanted to speak with Him, I would need to rid my life of that distraction. I would need the silence. It wasn't easy.. It's still not easy. But never have I heard God speak like I have now. He talks to me every day. He helps me even with small decisions; what to say, who to talk to, where to turn off of a busy street, where my keys are, when it's time to wake up in the morning, and who needs a word of encouragement... God speaks! I never heard before because I simply wasn't listening. And this came from giving up one of my small distractions. Just one. Imagine of there weren't any at all! This world would be changed.. People would be changed. I would be changed. I'm contemplating releasing this worlds music hold on my life. Not to the extreme of banning it forever, but I don't want to lose the silence. I don't want these conversations with God to ever go away. 

Who knew that in all this deafening silence, I would hear the sweetest things?

don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Lost between what's right and what I want. Is it ever the same thing? I don't know. I've been saying that a lot lately. What are you doing after school? I don't know. Where do you want to get a job? I don't know. Why don't you try something new for a change? I don't know. When will you grow up? I don't know. Who are you?

I don't know. 

I'm stuck. I'm bored and I'm wasting time. And I think the worst part is that it's not even my time to waste. I'm putting my own personalized pause on God's plan for my life because I can't figure anything out. I want to do it all by myself. I want the credit, I want the control. But I don't want the responsibility. It's like I expect everything to be handed to me and that's the end. No one gets anything in return, that's just the way it works. I get what I want, and then I run with it. No thanks necessary. No skills necessary. 

No. Effort. Necessary. 

I'm waiting for something amazing to happen. I get frustrated when it doesn't. I yell out, 'God you're late! You didn't meet my deadlines! What am I supposed to do now?' when all I really need is the patience for God's timing that I don't have. I'm so busy looking for an answer when I haven't even listened to the question. How does that work? It doesn't. It can't. And I can't just accept the fact that I'm never going to know every detail. I'm not going to know why I need to make a certain decision. I don't know what I need. Only God knows that. I've been too focused on what I should do rather than what I can do. And that question I've been missing? God is asking; 'What do you want?'

I don't know.