find me.

I've been having a hard time with myself lately. Who am I? Really? Not who do I want to be, or who have I been up to this point in the past... but right now. Who am I right now? If someone were to ask me that question in the next five seconds, I would have no clue how to answer. How do you answer that anyway? Who are you? I'm me. Just me. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know me very well... obviously. Or it would be simple. I can describe anyone I care about down to the first time they discovered that little freckle on their ear, or the reason they can't tell their dad they love him. I could tell you that my best friend is the most amazing speller in the world. I could tell you that my sisters both have an addiction to laughter. I could tell you all of these things about all these people that I've observed and spent time getting to know, but I can't tell you why I'm me. 

I've been having a hard time looking into my own heart. Sometimes I think I don't want to because I'm afraid of what I'll find. Am I a jealous person? Do I frown more than I smile? Do I draw others to the Lord or do I drive them away? Did I make it all up or did it really happen? Do I secretly wish harm on others? Do I openly wish harm on others? Why does it take me so long to forget if I say I've forgiven? Why can't I figure out what I want to go to school for? How often do I lie? Why do I care so much about what other people think? Why can't I just get out there and dance? 

I've been having a hard time opening up to God and letting him see me see myself. When I put the smallest fraction of all the questions buzzing around in my head daily down in a list, like those above, it's already overwhelming. I can't even begin to imagine that God already knows all the answers to those questions and loves me anyway. And it got me thinking. How often does God have to wait for us to figure ourselves out before we realize that it's pointless? Who am I. I don't know. I'm me. Can I even describe who I am by what I do? Is it defined by what I say? Or maybe how I react? What if who I am by all possible answers to those questions isn't who I want to be?

What if I'm lost?

I need time to figure me out. I want to fix all the things I'm not proud of. And I know I can't do that alone. No one can do it alone. No one can do that even with the help of every friend in the world. Because your true friend is often the only friend we forget to ask. I forget to ask. 

Something really cool happened the other day when I was in a meeting at Starbucks with Cindy. I love Cindy. Not only does she encourage me when I think I've got it all together but she challenges me when I feel all hope is lost. That seems backwards, right? That's why I love her. She shows me what I can't see. She sees behind the stage and draws the curtains. At this particular meeting, I was talking about how I felt the need to pray like others pray. Go on and on and have all this insight and fluently explain not just who needs prayers but why, how and when they got stuck. I felt I needed to be loud and bubbly and pumped in my prayers and if I wasn't, I was doing it wrong and they'd have to re-do the prayer and.... and mid-sentence, she stopped me. 

Laurel, you're not loud or bubbly. You're quiet and straightforward. You get to the point, short and sweet. You use simple, honest language in your everyday speech. So why would God want you to be someone else for him? Why would He want to sit up there and look at you saying "Who is this girl talking to me right now? Certainly no one I know...?" You aren't praying for those other people to approve of your skills. You're talking to God and He's the only one listening. How do you talk to God when you're just being you?

Oh, well I don't know. Who am I when I'm being me? Do I even know how to be me?

I've also been thinking about a certain John Mayer song. He probably didn't mean for it to have any religious meaning at all, but he makes a good point. "Suppose I said I am on my best behavior. There are times I lose my worried mind. Would you want me when I'm not myself? Wait it out when I'm someone else? And I, in time, will come around. I always do for you. Suppose I said you're my saving grace?" We all get lost. We all need help figuring out who we are. I might confuse myself with someone else at times but with a little help, I'll be just me again. I'll come around. I'll be exactly who I'm supposed to be. For You.

God, You are my saving grace.

I may not know exactly who I am right now, and I may not know how to get to be who I want to be. But along my journey I know I'm not alone. The amazing thing about this is even though I absolutely haven't done anything to deserve God's grace, He wants me. As I am. Proving myself worthy won't do anything for me. I'm the leech of this relationship. He gives me grace and love and peace and kindness and I give Him an "I don't know who I am." Still, that's okay. I want to please Him and I want to be useful in spreading His word, but I don't deserve to be wanted. Yet somehow, I am. Jesus wants me. 

Jesus wants you.

Dirty and lost. Confused and searching, He finds us and takes us under His arm. We're spoken for. Loved. As we are. Even if we don't know who that is, like I don't know who exactly I am, He knows; and He wants us. Even when I'm not myself. God wants me. That should be good enough. I can be patient as I'm found. I got lost. And I'll do it again. But as long as I'm alive, I know my God will come and find me. 

with dreaming.

I think we take dreams too lightly. Or at least, I do. I can't even find the words to describe how happy I am right now that God has the best sense of humor ever, so this is going to be very short. I don't want to give too much away either. Everything about this situation is perfect. There's no way it was a coincidence, because I asked God for clarification. He wouldn't have confused me like that, even if He did tease me afterward. And I'm content to wait for His timing. Because I know what I need to wait for. I must be pretty dense because now that I reflect on it, He tried to answer me many times, I just never noticed. I was too focused on finding the answer myself. So He bonked me on the head to show me. And the only way He could show me was with dreaming. 

Thank You.

every day.

This isn't you anymore.  Those aren't your thoughts and they don't have a hold over you anymore. You can ignore them, it's not going to win this time. You know better, and you are better. This doesn't control your life the way it used to. You have had healing and it's no longer a problem for you. You can beat this want and you will have victory. Because that isn't you anymore.

This is what I have to tell myself. Every day. And every day, I struggle. Myself has come to haunt me. It's even worse than it sounds. To not give in physically hurts. I get an adrenaline rush, my hands go shaky and my vision blurs. I forget to breathe. I think; I'll try to forget again.. Forgetting isn't going to kill me... But deep down I already know it has. Part of me died and I'll never get me back. And for the rest of my life, I have to fight to keep the rest of me alive. Keep me safe, whole, pure. 

This is when I hate that part of me that died all those years ago. I blame it, but I have no right to. It was my choice. I was damaged and I didn't seek help. So it was my choice. That's why I hate it. I should have been stronger. I should have spoken up. But I didn't. I was so young! So now I get to fight against it. Every day. And every day it gets harder. You'd think it'd get easier.. but no. Every day it pulls harder than before. It's desperate for attention. It knows just how to suck me in too, like it has so many times before. 

This isn't you anymore. You gave it to God. It's not your problem, you don't have to fight this alone. 

And this is when I learn to let go. This is when I couldn't love Jesus anymore. Because I can't do it alone. I wouldn't last a second. Only with His help do I stand a chance. Only because of Him do I have a chance. Jesus died on that cross to give me triumph over this sin that grabs at me. So that I would overcome it. And so that I would  never be alone. Never. How awesome is our God? The strength He gives me every day is the only reason I'm healed. 

It's hard, and it sucks because it's part of me. But I don't have to let it drag me down, and I don't have to give it any power in my life. Because I've been saved. For that, I thank Him. Every day. And every day, I have a new hope. Because I know He'll never leave my side and He'll be here fighting with me;

Every day. 

I am.

So in love with You. I know I'm safe. Protected and in Your arms, I'm free to be myself and I never have to worry about You leaving. You'll never leave me. You'll never try to make me something I'm not. Because I am perfect the way I am, You made sure I was. I feel completed now that I know You. It's true, You'll always be in my heart and in my soul. I could never do without You now that I know how wonderful Your love is. With You, I'm happy. You make me feel alive and I never want that to go away. I'm comforted by the security of Your embrace and I'll never let You go. You wipe my tears away on a bad day, You light up my smile on a good one. I'm on fire for You, clearly. And I know I'll never have to be alone. I know I'm going the right way when I have Your hand to hold. You will never lead me astray. When I'm with You, I can't do anything wrong. You have my best interests at heart, and my heart is Yours. You make me want to be the best version of myself and You are never disappointed by my mistakes. You take me back every time. I was broken before You found me, beat and let down.

I am cured when I'm by Your side. 

I love You. And the best part about this love is that I know You love me too. There's no guessing. You have always loved me, and You always will. You show me everyday. You find a way to tell me even when I'm not listening. I know you will take care of me. I will always be Yours to hold. A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I know I'll be alright. Because I'm in love with you. I am.

that's all.

I don't want to be angry anymore. I just want to remember, 

please?

just go.

You go backwards. You go forwards. You go in the wrong direction. You go back to where you started from. You go through obstacles. You go through joy. You go in and out of 'love'. You go with your instincts. You go, and you go, and you go. It's hard. And it's good. The going can change in a split second, and it will most likely change when you least expect it. The important thing is that you go. 

What is it all for? I've had a really hard time being positive these last few days. They've been a constant downhill slope and I'm falling. And it's icy. And gravity increased. And I can't see the bottom! But down I go. Everything from school to home is bugging me, and I can't seem to just let my anger out. I end up venting about nothing because really, nothing is as bad as I'm making it. Pretty much, I sound like a broken record. "People in class this. People at work that. People driving slow in front of me, and they're so doing it on purpose!" Don't think I didn't try to get out of my funk. I've prayed to find a way out. I've read scriptures. I've changed clothes three times today! I listened to Coldplay. I breathe, deeply. I whine. And then I sulk. Nothing is working. I vent nothingness some more. So I'm in this totally bum mood, right? Bad idea. Tonight was 'el night the first one-o' of a new small group some friends and I are all creating. Yeah, not really feeling up to it. Plus, now i'm nervous. I mean, what if it totally bombs?? But I made a commitment. So I go. 

OH, EM, GEE. Why do I ever doubt you Jesus? 

There he is. Sitting in the corner, reading his science book. He was a little apprehensive about coming tonight, he doesn't believe in God. He's angry. He's mad at the church, but something You said to him made him come. I've been in a funk for two days.. He's been in a funk for two years. And yet, he's here. Willing to listen, curious about what we'll say. He used to live by You. He used to shine with Your love. He's been broken. He's seeking support and conversation. What he got was a shock. I invited him to come. I was on fire, I was in a good place when I asked him all those days ago. And he was intrigued. Something made him go. Something made me go. Something made me go in a bad mood. Get to the point? Ok. He thought he was going to be the only person there tonight that was struggling. He thought he'd get answers. He thought we would have them. Not only did I not have answers, but I wasn't the only other one having a rough day! Every single person came tonight with a problem. I've been stressed and frustrated. She's been pressured to be the best. He's just had his share of heartbreak. She's been discouraged by fellow church-goers. She's just about fed up with religion all together. We were all compelled to go tonight. We were a sour bunch. 

He noticed.

He related.

He trusted.

After we all admitted our struggles and how we're trying to cope, the most amazing thing happened. Simple. We encouraged each other. We shared all the good things God has done in our lives. We discussed books that tell of Gods miracles, speeches that moved us. We all wanted the same thing: A stronger relationship, a deeper love. And the one who didn't believe in God started remembering all the things he used to stand for. He opened up. Accepted our enthusiasm, brought his own to the table. This budding flower once inspired me to follow You, Lord. Have the tables turned? I saw fire in his eyes. I saw a hunger for more. I saw a transformation. You are with us when things go well, You are with us when we go off the rocker. As long as we keep trusting in You, we'll go. We go, and we go, and we go. It's hard. And it's good. The going can change in a split second, and it will most likely change when we least expect it. The important thing is that we just go. This was no coincidence. 

Oh goodness, Jesus, You knew. Didn't You? You knew he would never listen and put his guard down if we were like all the people who'd ever hurt him. You knew he had to be convinced that we weren't perfect. He never would have given You a second thought if he was right. But You made sure we all met him in his trial. He needed to know he wasn't alone. Hey... Wait a second... You purposely put me in a bad mood! That's awesome! He has no chance against you. You want him. You'll have him. This was a wonderful experience, I can't wait to watch everything progress. Oh and if he needs a little more reassurance next week, can we maybe pick something other than a bad mood?? Thanks. I love You and goodnight!

you asked.

And I couldn't answer. Because until you asked, I was okay. Until you admitted inadvertently that you were thinking of me, I was great. and until you flooded my heart all over again with your concern and all around amazing 'you-ness', I was phenomenal. Up until my night was interrupted with memories of you, I was lying. I couldn't answer. I didn't know if i was 'doing oky' anymore. This was your idea, and I agreed. I agreed to it because you wanted it. I never wanted to exit your life. And I sure didn't want you to leave me alone in mine. That means you broke your promise. For me to break the silence means I'm a stupid girl who can't get you out of her head. It means I don't like your plan. It means I'm not strong enough to keep my distance from you. It means I want to be near you too bad. For you to break it means you were wrong. And if you were going to be wrong, why break my heart in the first place? I both hope and fear it means you still care. I don't need to know that. Because it means i'm still there, in your head, in your prayers, in your life. Except I'm not. You didn't want me to be there. So am I doing okay? No. I'm not. After everything we tried,

I miss you. 

Still.

I pray that I'll find the words to respond to you tomorrow, but please don't be upset when you learn that I ignored you at first. You asked, and I couldn't answer. I didn't know anymore. Even after all this time and all my efforts to replace you and all my contradicting thoughts on how to remember you, I don't know if I'm okay yet. I wish I was. I've been asking God to take the love for you out of my heart if it's not part of His plan. For months I've been begging. But it never goes away. He never said, "Ok Laurel, you can have your heart back. It doesn't belong to him anymore. Keep it safe, for I have a gift for give you. Love, in return. I don't want you to miss out on it, so I'll make it whole again. He doesn't even get to keep one piece. It's all yours. I'll help you guard it this time. I'll tell you when the time is right to light it on fire. Because you deserve it all." I'm still waiting for that to happen. I want it to happen. I want to be freed of you. I want to be able to look back and remember what good times we had together without wishing it never ended. I want to be able to start over, to get it right. to let the fire blaze. But I never got my heart back. I have been discouraged. The fire I lit with you has been slowly dying, and I cannot tend to it to make it glow. You don't want it to. 'Leave no trails.' But now I'm following a trail. You left it when you asked. I found that you still have it. I found that even now, 

I love you.

Still.

I wanted to tell you that I'm okay, but I'm not. I shouldn't have to tell you. I feel like you should already know. But then again,

you asked.