my own.

I can't do it anymore. I need to make it right, get it out and move on. I don't ever want to feel this way again.. Like I won't be able to breathe unless I make some sort of excuse. I need Your help, Jesus. I know that I won't make it on my own. 

care anymore.

I'm done with grudges. The cold shoulder. The silent treatment. The 'I didn't know you were trying to talk to me for the past two weeks..?'. The avoiding of any form of contact what so ever. Grow up. Excuse me while I vent for a minute. If I did something to deserve this, I would understand. I would probably agree with you. But I didn't. Either time. With either of you. If you have a problem with me, man up and say so. Or woman up. Whatever. I'm done begging you to talk to me again. If you can go this long without me, then I can certainly make it by without you. You've known me since you were five. You know I would never hurt you. And deep down I think you know you made this mess all by yourself. I think it's time you stop blaming me for it. It's over with. You're happy. I'm happy. We should be able to do this together like we have for so long. Let go of your stubbornness. It's not helping anyone. Screw this game, I'm tired. I don't want to play anymore. You have one more chance to apologize like you should have months ago. Or I'm done. I don't care anymore. 

like this.

It's that good feeling. It's a breath of fresh air. It's trying to fall asleep.. and failing. It's the way you smile at me. It's the good nervous that makes your fingers twitch. It's just like relaxing after a long day. All these things I'm discovering and learning about you make me happy. I don't understand where it came from, I don't understand how it happened so fast, but there it is. I'm not going to deny it, I'm scared. It's been a long time since I've felt ready. But I'm ready. And I don't think I could trust you more. I'm excited to see what God's plan is. It's making me admit that not all new things are bad. Some of them can turn out to be really really good! However.. I don't know how I feel, because it's everything at once. Happy, scared, nervous, anxious, timid, bold, giddy.. All of it is floating around in me at any given moment.. and any one of them could surface. But every one of them is okay when I'm with you. I'm comfortable with you. It's the security that makes everything okay. It's the songs I relate to you, even when they're completely off topic. It's a heavy sigh when you know it's right. It's the way you act and the person you are that makes me like you like this. 

just notice.

I need it back. That fire that wasn't ever contained.  It breathed life into me and what am I let with now? That's just it. What am I left with. Where is it? What happened? Have I lost focus again Lord? Have I ruined everything one last time? Am I going to recover? I have all these questions and no one ever answers me. Am I asking at the wrong time? Am I not listening? Teach me to listen. Because I know I've heard You before. I know You're there. But something's missing. My friendships are falling apart. Family is falling apart. There's new people I'm not so sure of. I feel like I can't think. I can't move without starting a new wave of anxiety. A new rush of fear. I'm bleeding myself dry. And for what? To continue to go unnoticed? I'm bleeding. And it never stops. I don't want it to. Sometimes I feel like if I heal, I'll never amount to anything. Like, to suffer is to live. I can't have one without the other. I won't. Why? It's not hard to be happy. It's actually really easy. Really easy to look happy. Smile. Crinkle your eyes a bit. Make a joke. Dare to laugh. But how do you know if you're really happy? Does the sick in your stomach go away when you're happy? Do the nerves ever, really, go away? All I want is to be alone. When I'm alone I can breathe. When I'm alone I can think. I can see things clearly. When I'm alone, I lose it. I turn inward and thoughts like everything above fly in and out of my mind. I'm an over-thinker. I freak out. Then I write it down and I'm okay. I feel okay. That's really what this is all about, right? Learning not to hold things inside? Let it all out, let it all go? Sure. Easier said than done. It's harder to actually say it than to say it's easy to say. It's not easy at all. Does this make me mental? Why can't I ever calm the pulse of my heart! I'm never relaxed! I'm really good at faking it but I feel like I'm wasting time. All time is a waste of time. I should be doing more, I could be working more, playing more, traveling more, praying more. More more more. What will I become? More that you thought I would. And then, there it is. I'm angry at you. I'm upset and I can't tell you. Why won't you just notice? 

be adored.

It's weird when your world gets shaken. Wake up calls are almost surreal. Life as you know it alters when you have a really good epiphany. And sometimes, all it takes is a single smile. 

I was ready to wait. For how long? I don't know. However long it took I suppose. I've been out of it for so long, it didn't feel much different. Wait for this, wait for that, wait till I'm ready, wait till you're ready. It all seemed the same. I didn't think I wasn't getting everything I wanted. It never occurred to me. I forgot what it felt like to be sought after. To be pursued. It took a smile for me to realize that I don't have to settle and wait for happiness. It took a smile for me to remember what I've been holding out for all this time. 

I just want to be adored. 

And I think I've been getting it wrong. All I can think about is reading Hosea. My idea of love has been skewed by the world. I want to be adored, but I'll never know how to handle it if I don't first let Jesus be the one to pursue me. He's the only one who can do it right. He's the only one who knows how. If I get to the point where I'm able to recognize God's passion for me, I'll eventually be able to recognize when he places that love in the man meant just for me. But I have to know what I'm looking for. I need to let Him in. I need to be vulnerable. And I don't think I'm the only one. This goes for everyone. God is waiting for you to let Him adore you. It's all He wants. So let go. 

And be adored. 

right thing.

It's a strange feeling to watch your prayers being answered. People always say you need to be careful what you pray for, and it's completely true! I asked God for a level head. The courage to say what needed to be said, and the will to leave my heart out of it. Sentence by sentence I felt His master plan unfold. I was more brave than I've ever been, I said things I didn't want to say, and I meant it. Keep your head above your heart. It will take you where you need to go. And it hurts. Be careful what you pray for. God will make sure, if it's in your best interest, that it happens. 

And though it hurts, I can't help but feel relieved. It's out in the open. It may not have gone the way I wanted it to, but I knew it was going this way. So I'm at least not shocked. I feel like I can breathe again. Let go. Be me. Stop guessing. It was the tears that found my eyes before I reached the top of the stairs that told me I did the right thing.

he was.

I had another dream about it last night. Never a face, just a feeling. A certain familiarity. A specific disgust with him, and myself. I hate feeling dirty. But there it is. And if I try to ignore it, it creeps into my subconscious. Dreams are supposed to be sweet. They're not supposed to force you to re-visit your living nightmares. Every time it's the same too. It starts out completely innocent. This time, I was playing out in the yard with Kara on a summer day. Throwing water balloons and splashing in a pool. Laughing. Then the storm clouds come rolling in, and I can smell the sweat on his chest. He smiles and hides around a corner, waiting. And I'm alone. It's dark, cold, and frightening. I run and run but I never get anywhere. I yell and scream till my throat is hoarse but no sound escapes. I look to whoever I see for help, but no one knows what I'm asking for. No one can hear me. No one cares. They don't get it. So they look away. And he closes in. I fight him off at first, and I'm almost successful. But he wins every time. It always ends this way. I'm taken. Crying and thrashing about, but he's stronger. And I still don't know who he is. 

Who he was.