over with.

I still haven't decided... Am I really ok with this or am I just pretending because I know it's what's best? I want to say that I'm really okay. But then, say anything that reminds me of him and I crumble. Right about now, had things been different I would be in his truck, headed east out to the gorge, preparing myself for the most amazing concert-to-be known to mankind. I think part of the reason I'm upset is because I still could have gone, had it not bothered me that I wouldn't be 'going with him' anymore. I could have been there. But I chose not to. I think in the long run it was the right choice.. It just sucks cause I really want to be there. Think about it though. I might have seen him. I would have been with other people. People he never met. People I wish he had. It would be hard to listen to the songs he sang to me while we were still together without him there to sing with. So I sit here, wishing with all my might that it could turn into Sunday. Get the weekend over with already. I can only imagine what tomorrow is going to be like.

you're welcome.

If you haven't guessed by now, my heart has been broken for exactly two days, one hour and 50+ minutes. I just thought I'd share something that helped with that today. It's called Jesus loves me and He really does care that I'm hurting. I was texting 'him' slash crying when I was leaving work tonight when, through my teary eyes and blubbering, I saw a lone hydrangea right smack dab in the middle of a parking lot completely void of any cars besides my own. As I passed it on the way to my car, I thought 'I should grab it.' Then, 'no, it's probably dirty.' As I battled myself on whether to pick it up or not, I had this intense impulse. It was like someone had yelled at me... Just pick it up already! You know you want it... So I did. I went back across the emptiness and snatched up, quite greedily I might add, this small spark of color that had completely captured my attention. As I lifted it to my nose, aside from the intoxicating fragrance, I noticed a strange side stem protruding from the side. 'Well that's odd...?' I pulled and tugged at it but it wouldn't come loose. So I pushed instead. And from the top of the white and lavender bloom of the hydrangea came a small and delicate but completely captivating yellow rose. If anyone knows a thing about roses, yellow means 'i'm sorry' in flower world. Of course I started bawling my eyes out and laughing and probably spitting too... All at the same time. And I looked up to the sky and whispered, 'Thank you Jesus'. I knew it was from Him. There was no doubt in my mind. How else could it be explained? And as I turned back to my car with my present cradled in my arms, I heard Him whisper ever so quietly in my ear as the wind swirled around me;

'You're Welcome.'

bad habit.

I don't know who I am anymore. I once thought I did, but then it changed... For the better I might add. I was starting to appreciate living life for someone other than myself. For God. For love. I thought I was getting it right, finally. I felt like I was on the right path. Headed in the right direction. I just found out that I was playing it safe. I'm not alive. I'm not feeling anything anymore. I don't laugh. I don't cry. I don't get excited about anything, and I certainly am not responsive to what should be painful. I'm sick of being apathetic. I need emotion. I need to thrive on His love and I feel like I've been floating. I'm not sinking but there I am in the water when all I want is to fly. Hopefully, this will help. I've been bound by an invisible weight. A weight that I chained around my own feet. I wanted it. I thought I was ready to accept the consequences. I thought I grew up. In reality, I'm still six. Holding on to my security blanket, sucking my thumb and crying out for attention. For help. For love. I've been looking in all the wrong places, crying to the wrong people. All I can do now is trust that this is what God wants from me. This is something I need to go through. I need to humble myself and I feel like I take way too much pride in my own decisions for that to have happened at all. I thought I was right. But really, I wasn't on His page. I wasn't even reading the same book. I'm not gonna say it doesn't hurt, because it does. I'm just trying to get in the habit of finding the bigger picture. Looking for it hasn't even been a good habit of mine.

Lord,

I love You with all of my heart. I trust You completely and I know You want me to be happy. I don't blame You for what happened. I thank You. This wouldn't have happened if it wasn't supposed to and I'm glad to know You believe I can handle it. It feels good to be trusted by You and I'm glad You are able to change my life without worrying I'll turn from You. Having that security only makes me want to hold on that much more. Give me the grace and the patience to see things Your way and give me the courage to accept that I'm not in control. I give myself to you, Lord, do what you will.

Amen.

I'm going to miss you, I can't even look at all the things that remind me of you right now. I'm sitting alone in the dark, surrounded by your memories, and afraid of the light. I don't want to sleep for fear of dreaming of you. I don't want to talk to anyone for fear of empathy. I just want to miss you. I don't want hard feelings or sadness to accompany me on this long road of self discovery. I want to say that you helped me. I want you to know that I loved you. Love you. That will never change. I'm not angry. I don't wish I'd never met you or regret anything we shared. It's a shame that it didn't continue, but what else can you do with stagnant water but throw it out and try again? Thank you for the past six months of my life. I had fun while it lasted. I'm sorry it didn't work. It's not your fault and it's not mine. It's just something that needed to happen, like you said. I don't know if this is goodbye forever, but it is goodbye.

Dear Jesus,

I need you. I won't live this life on my own. I've been so lost without you and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize just how much I love you. Even longer to realize how much you love me. I'm so grateful that you took the time to mold me, had patience to wait for me to come to you, and cared enough to hold my hand when I needed you most. I want the real thing. I want to know I'm wanted. I want to shine with your love. I want to be used by you. I want to have a purpose in this life. I want you to be proud of me. I want your forgiveness when I know it's already mine. I want it all, and I'm not afraid to ask anymore. I know you can hear me. I know you care. I know you'll listen when I say I mean it. I know you love me now. And i just wanted to let you know, I love you too.

just sure.

Don't you hate being insecure? It sucks. Why can't we all just accept each other for our differences and let it go at that? Why are we always second guessing ourselves? Maybe it's just bad for me. See? Lame... I always have to think about what I'm going to say before I say it just to be sure I won't sound stupid or so I'll fit in. I just want to be me. Why can't I let myself do that? Plenty of people don't have to hold back.. And they're just fine right? Why can't I do that? It's hard to please everyone. And eventually, I'll lose myself and end up being an empty void with a plastic smile stretched across my face waiting for someone to realize that I'm crying underneath it all. I don't want to end up like that. I just want to be crazy and wacky and not care who thinks I'm a dork.. Because I'll tell you right now. I'm just sure that's exactly what they'll think. Because it's true. I don't want to care but I do. And that's the worst part. I can't help it.

rather be.

So, my mother got married last weekend. I could never explain how happy I am for her! To see her glowing at every second of every day is such a blessing and I couldn't be more thankful to God that she gets a second chance at love. Since the wedding, they've obviously been on their honeymoon but when they came back last night something pretty comical happened... It was late and everyone who was home was about to go to bed. So my new step-father, whom would like us to call him 'pop' (totally joking of course..), started complaining that he had to drive all the way home. "OH WAIT A MINUTE!!!" Weird, but "goodnight" as he goes upstairs to HIS bedroom now. It's funny how things turn out. You never expect that your parents will divorce. But then when they do and you get your mom to yourself for all those years, it's almost a relief to see her married again. Even if it is the oddest concept; being present at her wedding. It's almost unnatural, until you see her cry up at the alter and you know there's no other place you'd rather be.

didn't hurt.

Ever noticed how hard that is? Just to breathe when everything hurts? It amazes me sometimes that we make it out. You make a mistake, beat yourself up over it, cry your eyes out, and suddenly it's over. Good or bad, it goes away. Right now I'm in that in-between stage. Right around the crying your eyes out part. I'm just waiting for my breathing to become regular again. I'm waiting for the guilt and anxiety to disappear. To be quite honest, it wasn't a big mistake either. The worst part about it was that it was my own rule that I broke. And I can't forgive myself. I didn't break it alone, but even that doesn't make it feel any better. Breaking that promise to myself sent reality crashing into the side of my head and there's no way I can ignore it any longer. You think you know someone when really, you only know them the way you want to.. Right? It's worse when that someone you know is you. After you see a piece of yourself that you never acknowledged before, you have to make a decision. Accept it and move on, or make a change. And what if you don't want it to be who you are, but at the same time you don't want it to change? What if you want to be the person you are even if it's wrong? Like when you know you shouldn't be doing something and you know it will get you in trouble and you promised yourself this time would be different and you wouldn't let it affect you the way it used to... But then when it happens, you can't make yourself stop. And you realize that all the time you spent trying to be better wasn't as wonderful as those few moments of giving in. That's when it starts. Air turns to water in your lungs, and you're choking. And every memory makes you wish you didn't like it that much. Your tears become acid in your eyes and no matter what you tell yourself, you can't stop them from burning holes in everything they touch. Even though he tells you it wasn't your fault, the guilt has already set in. You can't think about it without shivering. You can't talk about it because the words turn to ash in your mouth. And while you wait for him, you forget to breathe. Unconscious or not, you know that first breath will stab into your lungs like liquid fire so you simply refuse. You try to remember what it felt like when it didn't hurt.

I wanted to talk to you, but now I wish you hadn't called.