you asked.

And I couldn't answer. Because until you asked, I was okay. Until you admitted inadvertently that you were thinking of me, I was great. and until you flooded my heart all over again with your concern and all around amazing 'you-ness', I was phenomenal. Up until my night was interrupted with memories of you, I was lying. I couldn't answer. I didn't know if i was 'doing oky' anymore. This was your idea, and I agreed. I agreed to it because you wanted it. I never wanted to exit your life. And I sure didn't want you to leave me alone in mine. That means you broke your promise. For me to break the silence means I'm a stupid girl who can't get you out of her head. It means I don't like your plan. It means I'm not strong enough to keep my distance from you. It means I want to be near you too bad. For you to break it means you were wrong. And if you were going to be wrong, why break my heart in the first place? I both hope and fear it means you still care. I don't need to know that. Because it means i'm still there, in your head, in your prayers, in your life. Except I'm not. You didn't want me to be there. So am I doing okay? No. I'm not. After everything we tried,

I miss you. 

Still.

I pray that I'll find the words to respond to you tomorrow, but please don't be upset when you learn that I ignored you at first. You asked, and I couldn't answer. I didn't know anymore. Even after all this time and all my efforts to replace you and all my contradicting thoughts on how to remember you, I don't know if I'm okay yet. I wish I was. I've been asking God to take the love for you out of my heart if it's not part of His plan. For months I've been begging. But it never goes away. He never said, "Ok Laurel, you can have your heart back. It doesn't belong to him anymore. Keep it safe, for I have a gift for give you. Love, in return. I don't want you to miss out on it, so I'll make it whole again. He doesn't even get to keep one piece. It's all yours. I'll help you guard it this time. I'll tell you when the time is right to light it on fire. Because you deserve it all." I'm still waiting for that to happen. I want it to happen. I want to be freed of you. I want to be able to look back and remember what good times we had together without wishing it never ended. I want to be able to start over, to get it right. to let the fire blaze. But I never got my heart back. I have been discouraged. The fire I lit with you has been slowly dying, and I cannot tend to it to make it glow. You don't want it to. 'Leave no trails.' But now I'm following a trail. You left it when you asked. I found that you still have it. I found that even now, 

I love you.

Still.

I wanted to tell you that I'm okay, but I'm not. I shouldn't have to tell you. I feel like you should already know. But then again,

you asked. 

thank you.

For saying something. God is amazing! And funny! Story time.

Side note: I'm a jealous person. I'm prideful and I'm greedy. Ok go.

All day I've been pumped up because of something a new acquaintance said to me this morning. What she said was an answered prayer. Yes! Finally! Thank you God for showing me that I'm not here for nothing! I wanted to know that You were using me. I wanted to make sure You were.. But I actually just found out that I just wanted to feel important. I'm so happy that something God said through me helped someone else come back to Him, but after I thought about it for a while, it started going to my head. I literally blew up like a balloon. Now, had I written about it this morning when it happened, this blog would be quite different. As it turns out, I didn't have time. I don't think that was an accident. Throughout the day, I started craving feedback. I wanted someone else to tell me how much I'd helped them. I wanted someone else to read me and say that I'm special. I'm such a goob. God knew that would happen too. He made sure it did. Right before I started writing, well, I couldn't. My mind was a blank. I had no inspiration even though 'the coolest thing just happened!' And where does Laurel get inspiration? The Bible. So I started reading my daily Proverbs, ch. 12. Nothing. Read it again. Nothing. I wasn't paying attention. My mind was being pulled elsewhere. Chapter three, chapter three, chapter three... OK I'LL READ CHAPTER THREE! Oh.

3:7 - Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. 

Got it. Sorry God... ummm.... You're right. I'm being selfish. You didn't do this so I could boast about it and congratulate myself. I shouldn't want the fame. It's not important that more people read my blog. It's only important that I keep writing what You put in my heart. To glorify You and the way You're changing my life. All that I do is from You, and it should all be for You too. Not for me, not for them. For You. So, thank You for letting me make a fool out of myself. We both know I learn by trial and error. I'm thankful that my words inspired someone else to return to You, but I realize now that I didn't actually do anything. Thank You for showing me that You're using me, but also that I'm not strong enough to not let it go to my head. Lesson definitely learned. You can stop laughing now. Amen. 

it wasn't.

The more I reflect, the more I'm convinced that I wasn't ready. I wanted it, I thought I needed it. I was so consumed that I refused to see what I was really doing to myself. What I was really doing to you. I thought I was in love. Actually, I knew I was. There was no way anyone could have told me otherwise. I was blind to any objections, any instructions, even advice. I wanted what I wanted and I wanted it right then. I was impatient and I was reckless. Just like you said. I was being irresponsible with my own heart as well as yours. I thought I had it all figured out. I had it under control... I used you is what happened. I wasn't strong in my faith and you were, and I tested it. I was selfish and I was greedy. I wanted all the joy and completion that comes with love but I was underprepared, even unwilling to give you the same. I was afraid to let you in, and I lied to you to hide from my sins. I rushed into your heart with a disregard for your feelings and I regret to say that I cared more about 'me with you', rather than just you like I should have. It was not my intention to hurt you, but I fear I did anyway. 

Promise me... not to awaken love until the time is right." (Song of Songs)

I had it in my head that you were it. Maybe it is you.. I guess i won't know until I reach the end. But when it came to being the right time, for us or for me at all, it wasn't. And I'm sorry.

right time.

Song of Songs. I was wandering the pages of the Bible after I finished my reading of Proverbs for the night and that particular book caught my eye. I'd read parts of it before but never to study it or take in its true meaning. So I began, slowly, to breathe it all in. The more I read, the more confused I became. I'm not sure who these people were, whether they were married, how long they'd known each other, what the fascination with lilies was all about, or how eyes could be like doves. But most of all, how could he leave her like that? 

6:5- "I jumped up to open the door for my love, and my hands dripped with perfume. My fingers dripped with lovely myrrh as I pulled back the bolt. 6 I opened to my lover but he was gone! My heart sank. I searched for him but could not find him anywhere. I called to him but there was no reply. 7 The night watchmen found me as they made their rounds. They beat and bruised me and stripped off my veil, those watchmen on the walls."

She goes on to ask the help of other young women to find him. She begs them to tell him that she is weak with love. She describes her passion for him and why he is better than all others. And when he is found, he's browsing in his gardens; among the lillies. All is forgiven. Then it's his turn. He comments on her every feature, praises her beauty, and they re-fall in love all over again. All of this and nothing is resolved. And to be honest, only their looks are mentioned. How flawless her smile is. How his eyes are set like jewels. What is that? Where's the relationship part? Why is it that every time they get close, something terrible happens? Then you get it.

Maybe it wasn't the right time. 

The reason they kept missing each other. The reason they were constantly trying to get the other to come away with them without success. The reason it never quite worked out the way they wanted it to. It wasn't Gods time. These two young people were trying to make love theirs when they should have been making their love Gods. To seek Him with every move. To ask for His blessing. And to be patient. Not rush into things like they did. God has a plan for you. If we get it in our heads that we can somehow change that or bend His will to our liking then we are seriously mistaken. Like the two young lovers in the story found over and over again, He will find a way to mess up our plans to make way for His. God wants us to be happy. He knows how to make us happy. He created us! To think that we know better than Him in that department is completely ridiculous. If we learn to seek him in all we do and ask His blessing on our hearts desires and learn to be patient and trust that He knows what He's doing; our lives will become complete. He knows the formula to our happiness. And if we give everything we are up to Him, He will give us the world. When that happens, it will be the right time. 

be his.

I had many good conversations today about Jesus and how much He loves us. It's amazing to think about really, being in love with the Lord. Not just because He loves you either, but because nothing else makes you feel so complete. Every breath is deeper. Every friendship means more. Every word speaks volumes. Every movement becomes important. Every day, a gift. Every prayer fills you with such satisfaction and hope. And when you open your eyes, you know that you're not alone. You're never alone. Everything you do is for Him and it all becomes your personal way to praise Him. To be cared for in such a way makes you whole. You want nothing more than to be His. 

"I can't imagine a life without You, without You, 'cause it's all for You. Yeah it's all for You God!"

-Hillsong United.

go missing.

I'm not sure how He does it, but any time I'm in a rough spot or having a hard time truly appreciating all that's around me, God finds a way to bring me back to Him. Sometimes it's so simple that I fear I miss most of what He's trying to tell me. Yet he always knows where to find me when I'm lost. The beginning of the year has not been smooth and I know I started to get caught up in trivial things that shouldn't have consumed me the way they did. I lost sight of what was important. I was thinking, "it's the new year, time for some change." And right there, I started focusing on all the wrong areas of my life. I'm going to stop doing this, I'm going to take this out of the problem, I'm going to remove this from my mind, and I never stopped to think about all the good things I could bring into my life. I was so enwrapped in the negative and what needed to be erased that I started a cycle. I was stressed about getting money for school, starting school, my best friend leaving, saying goodbye to a selfish love, feeling I had no one to talk to, and it didn't stop there. It was all I thought about. I was so unhappy and I had no idea I was doing it to myself. And I'll be honest. I never asked God to help me figure out what had gotten me in such a rut. 

Turns out I didn't need to ask. He knew. And He found a way to tell me. This is where the Lord becomes so awesome. What I'm about to tell you couldn't have been set up more perfectly. 

Right in the middle of a conversation about negative and positive vibes towards certain holidays and plans for next year, a friend of mine switched subjects like a fair-weather-fan switches teams. He said, "Our GOD is a great GOD isn't he!! Psalm 43:5. Read it."

'Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my savior and my God!'

How did he know? He didn't. He went on to tell me two others that he has hanging at work as reminders. Hebrews 13:5.

'Don't love money; be satisfied with what you have. For God said, "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you."

and Psalm 143:1. 

'Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea! Answer me because you are faithful and righteous.'

"Thought maybe you would enjoy the verses."

This is where I find peace. I could never explain how perfectly those verses fit with my thoughts. And had it been any one else to recommend them to me, I wouldn't have been so eager to look them up. It just so happens that I trust him and I respect his faith. He's become one of the most supporting friends I've been blessed with. It had to be the right tim and the right place and the right person. How could anyone know what exact formula to create to make it all work together?

God knows. He uses us every day. Cameron probably didn't know he was helping me get back on track. He was just sharing his faith. If you think about it, sharing your faith could be life altering. I don't know when Jesus uses me for His works. I want to be more aware. Because if I can feel it, maybe I could do more. If something so simple as asking someone to read a Bible verse could make a destructive thought pattern turn a 180, imagine what we could do if we really tried. If we knew what we were doing when we did it. I want to make a difference. I want to trust Him completely. I want to be loved. I can have all of that if i just make God my life. It's not hard either. I could make all the excuses I wanted, try and get out of it. But why would I do that when getting into it is the only way I feel whole? It's when I'm happy. When I'm alive. I don't know how He does it but He always finds me when I go missing. He always brings me back. 

'God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear when the earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!' -Psalm 46:1-3.

wake up.

I had a dream about you last night. Everything bad that happened was all taken back and all the terrible things we said weren't true. You sat down, kissed me on the forehead and told me that everything was going to be alright. And in that moment, I knew it would be. I was 100% sure. In that moment I felt peace. I was happy and I knew that I would have you forever. I told you I loved you and I meant it. But like all good things that end, I woke up. Everything that was right went away and I had to accept it for what it was. I would do anything to have that feeling back, to have you back, but it was just a dream. And at the end of every dream, you wake up.